Page 111 of From Ice to Grace
Still, he’s considering Boqvist instead of me.
What if he trades me? Will Avah stay here? Or will she come with me?
The thought leaves me with more uncertainty and a sense of loss that cuts deeper than I thought it would.
I get up and leave his office feeling hollow. The pictures of the different teams over the years line the walls as I make my way back to the locker room for practice. A reminder that everyone here is dispensable. This is the Rangers, and if you can’t work with the team, then you’re out.
I’ll just get traded for another player…one that fits them and their image better.
The meeting with Harry is still fresh in my mind when I step through the front door.
My mind is reeling. I want nothing more than for it to quiet down. A drink would help, sure. Up to a certain point, it used to calm down my thoughts. But then it would get worse.
I don’t want that, I want Avah.
I want her.
She looks up from the dining room table, where she’s sitting with her laptop. She’s been trying to keep busy despite her work situation, something that I admire in her. She doesn’t give up, but pushes forward.
A smile spreads on her face, just like every other time I’ve come home.
I didn’t know how much I needed this. Someone who’s waiting for me. Someone who’s happy to see me after the day is over. Someone I can wind down with, someone with who I can just…be.
“How was your meeting with Harry?” she asks, getting up and walking over to me.
She’s wearing my jersey and it has a sense of belonging settling in me.
I pull her close, holding her tight. The scent of her grounds me, the soft embrace lending comfort I’ve never known before. Deep down I’m reminded of why I’ve never stepped into a real relationship with anyone.
Fear of losing what I have right now winds through my entire being, reminding me of how I mess up everything I touch, everything I care about.
“Is everything alright?” she asks, against my chest. “Did he say something about Axel?”
Hearing her say his name digs into my chest.
I pull away, sighing. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
The fact that he’s possibly staying on the team…it’s hard to process. My own actions created a gap for him to come in and not only threaten my place on the team…but my very fragile relationship with Avah.
She looks up at me, her blue eyes filled with worry.
“What do you need?” she asks.
The words get lodged in my throat. Because I can’t ask that of her. Instead, I place my palm on her face and lean closer.
She meets me halfway. Hope blooms in my chest as her lips brush against mine. It’s a soft, gentle kiss. A reminder of how she has the ability to make me feel lighter when everything else in the world feels heavy.
I lean in again, needing more.
Needing her.
Her arms slip around my neck and I take it as permission. Unable to help myself, I deepen the kiss. The need for her has been burning through me for a long time, and even though this is me breaking our agreement, I know a part of her wants this too.
She kisses me back. The dull ache from this morning melting into warmth, spreading through me. For a moment it’s easy to forget every uncertainty. Harry, Boqvist, all of it…it’s just me and her finally admitting that there’s more between us than either of us have been able to voice out loud.
“Declan, wait,” she whispers, pulling away, her hand on her mouth. “We need to stop.”
Her voice is gentle and still it feels like someone sucked all the breath out of my lungs.
