Page 19 of From Ice to Grace
“You’re a hypocrite."
“No,” he says with a grin. “It’s called a big brother. It’s in the job description.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I say, drinking my peppermint tea while settling at the counter in Hannah’s kitchen. “I really don’t want to go back to Sweden.”
After the guys went outside to get the grill ready, I spilled my guts to Hannah. I’m convinced God sent her to me since it’s so easy to talk to her. There’s never been an ounce of judgment from her, she sets me at ease, and I know when I talk to her I’ll get Godly wisdom and advice.
Hannah continues to chop the tomatoes for the salad, not looking at me but rather focusing on what she’s doing.
“I don’t understand,” Hannah says, a small frown on her face as she tosses the tomatoes in the bowl next to the chopping board. “So you have two weeks left at your job…”
“Yes, and then I have about a month's grace period. But I can’t work at that time. It’s basically to get my things in order before I go back.”
“And you can’t just reapply?” she asks, rinsing her hands before adjusting her braid over her shoulder. I’ve shown her a few new ways to braid her hair while we’ve been friends.
“Not from here, no.” I sigh. “I’d have to go back, unless I can find a company willing to sponsor me in the next few weeks. But that’ll be difficult, especially considering that I’m already counting down the days until I have to leave. No one moves that fast.”
Hannah grimaces as she grabs the cucumbers from the fridge and gets to work on them.
“Okay, so if you have to go back…then what?” she asks, eyeing me carefully. “You look for a job from there? Or apply for a different kind of visa?”
I shake my head, not even wanting to consider it. “I want to stay. I don’t want to go back, not even for a day.”
In a bid to keep my hands busy, I reach for the sugar snap peas waiting on the counter and tear open the packet. My mind goes to Axel’s self-righteous face and the fake tears he sported when I walked into the locker room and found him tangled up with one of his many, many fans. Snapping the peas in half is oddly satisfying especially since I can’t help but imagine it’s his collection of signed hockey sticks I’m breaking instead.
“Why?” Hannah asks. There’s caution in her voice. During the playoffs I mentioned that I used to be engaged before I moved to New York, but I haven’t told her more than that. I didn’t want to, and I’m forever grateful that she hasn’t asked.
I sigh. Looking out the kitchen windows, my gaze settles on EJ and his teammates sitting around the grill, happily chatting away. I try to erase the feelings bubbling up, the feeling that I don’t have a place like that. A place where I completely fit in and belong.
You can’t run forever. At some point you’ll have to face it. You’ll have to forgive…
My wounded pride bristles at the thought. Forgiveness? He didn’t even try to call after that night…Except, that’s not entirely true? Is it? He called and texted. I just didn’t want to hear what he had to say. He even showed up at my parents’ house when I refused to see him.
I grip another sugar snap pea too tightly. It breaks, juice splattering across the counter.
I know I should forgive him, even if he hasn’t shown a shred of remorse. Perhaps he hasn’t because I never gave him a chance to show it. But it’s hard. It’s easier to tell myself he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. I’ve already given him everything, and I’m not giving him anything else.
“It’s a long story,” I say, tossing the broken pea aside.
I wipe my hands on the dishtowel, looking at Hannah. The person who’s been the only real friend I’ve had ever since moving here.
She glances over her shoulder to where the guys are putting the steaks on the grill.
“We have time…” she says, leaving the floor open if I should decide to share.
“Well, you know I was engaged.” I sigh, popping a sugar snap pea in my mouth and biting into the crunchy vegetable. “I swear, looking back, God had a plan for me to escape. That job came out of nowhere. And the fact that it was here, in New York, over 3000 miles away from Axel, was just exactly what I needed.”
Hannah continues to cut the cucumbers, her green eyes filled with compassion. She’s always managed to make me feel comfortable and supported by just being near me. I have no idea how she does it, it’s a gift from the Father, honestly.
“And Axel is the fiancé, right?” she asks.
“Ex-fiancé,” I correct her. “Yes.”
Hannah nods, tossing the cucumbers into the bowl. “The guy who never really knew you…the one who bought the engagement ring you never really liked.”
That was the part I shared with her when she got married to Lucas. That and not a lot else.
“Yup. Exactly.” I toss in the rest of the peas, before opening the feta cheese. I’m not about to tell her that even though I didn’t like the ring, it’s still neatly tucked away in my dresser.
