Page 86 of Payback
Before I know it, I’m sliding into Vi’s car and taking off down the road like a bat out of hell. Minutes later, I pull up to Tower Park, and my heart races when I see Roan’s car in the parking lot.
On shaky legs, I step out of the car and straighten my gown that I’ll likely want to burn after the mess that this night turned out to be. The look on Roan’s face when he saw the video will haunt me forever, and I deserve to be haunted by this. It was probably the worst thing I could have done to him.
I unlock the player’s entrance and let myself inside of Tower Park. I take a quick left like Mac instructed and see lights shining at the end of the hallway. When I reach the wide opening, I see the Tower Park field. It looks different at night, the electric green grass almost cyan because of the faint blue security lights.
My eyes land on Roan, who’s hunched over on the sideline bench about halfway down the field. His suit coat is draped over the bench and his white dress shirt is unbuttoned at the top with his bow tie hanging loose around his neck. He looks so beautiful. Beautiful and broken. I did that to him. I caused him this pain.
My heels sink into the soft grass, and my hands shake as I stop to pull them off. My metallic dress drags noisily as I walk barefoot toward him. Roan hears me coming and instantly stands up from his seat like he’s going to run.
“I’m not ready to see you,” he snaps, pacing back and forth like a lion in a cage.
“I need to talk to you,” I reply, my voice shaking with anxiety. “I need to explain.”
“Explain what?” he growls, turning to face me as I stop a good ten feet away from him. His face is dark in this light and the right side of his jaw looks red and swollen. Has he been crying? “Explain that you filmed us fucking without telling me?”
I pull my lips into my mouth, wishing a thousand more times that I could take that night back. “It was an accident.”
“An accident?” he barks, his hands flying up to grip the back of his head as he stares up at the sky. “An accident that you propped your phone up to face the bed? Or an accident that you pressed record?”
I inhale a shaky breath. “I didn’t mean to let it run that long.”
“How long did you mean to let it run?” he exclaims, his eyes wide and accusing on mine. He marches closer, looming his anger over me and spreading his heady scent in the process. His face looks positively evil when he asks, “Long enough for me to stroke my cock in front of you? Long enough for me to eat your pussy? Long enough for me to slap your ass? Or were you just waiting for me to make you squirt because you knew it’d be good to sell?”
“Stop!” I yell, jerking away from him, feeling slapped across the face by his vulgar words. My chin trembles as I fight back tears. “You know none of that sounds like me.”
“I thought I knew you, but the woman I fell in love with wouldn’t have pressed that fucking record button in the first place!” he yells and backs away from me, looking at me like I’m a piece of shit he found on the sidewalk. “That was you who pushed record, right? Or was I fucking some secret twin sister you’ve been hiding from me as well?”
“It was me,” I confirm, tears running down my face. “I just…It wasn’t supposed to show your face. It wasn’t supposed to even show mine. I tried to stop it after I took off my clothes for you, but I guess I missed the button. I don’t know. I was caught up in the moment. But I was never going to show us having sex. That wasn’t a part of my plan.”
“Do you fucking hear yourself right now?” he roars, his hands clutching his head in complete and utter disbelief as he turns away from me. “You clicked a button on your phone to record the two of us fucking in your hotel room…You fucking used me, Lis! You used me like I was nothing. How did your conscience not stop you from doing that?”
“I don’t know!” I scream and cover my face in horror. Hearing everything described back to me—hearing what I did and how I did it—makes me sound disgusting. Despicable. Unforgiveable. Iwasusing him at the time and telling myself it was okay because he was a stranger. But none of that defence makes any sense to me now.
My voice is hoarse from crying when I say, “I was a mess when I met you. It had only been two weeks since my entire world had been turned upside down. I thought if I could record myself doing a striptease for a faceless stranger, it would make my ex jealous and show my stepsister that she didn’t break me. It was a stupid plan, okay?”
“You’re goddamned fucking right it was stupid!” he growls and swerves toward me, hovering close to me again. His eyes fill with anguish as he adds, “I could get kicked off the team. My mom and my sisters depend on me. They depend on my support. And I can kiss that endorsement deal goodbye. You have completely fucked-up my life, Allie!”
“I’m sorry!” I sob, reaching out for him, only to have him jerk away from me like I’m a diseased animal. My voice is a garbled mess as my body shakes violently with regret. “Truly, I’m so sorry! But you have to know I was never going to show them. After I got to know you that night, I knew I couldn’t go through with showing them. You were too special.”
Roan barks out a disbelieving laugh. “Well, lucky fucking me, you waited to release it until after I fell in love with you.”
“I didn’t release it.” I sniff and wipe away my tears, my chest heaving with emotion. “Rosalie had access to my Cloud, and she threatened to leak the video unless I came to her wedding and supported my father walking her down the aisle.”
Roan freezes in place, dropping his hands to his sides as he stares back at me in complete silence, communicating only with the pain radiating from his entire body. Finally, he says, “That’s why you didn’t want me to go with you to their wedding? Because you were afraid Rosalie was going to call you out?”
I rake my hands through my hair, hating how this keeps getting worse and worse and knowing that my words won’t make any of it go away.
“Was anything you said to me true, Allie?” he asks, his voice composed with a tone of finality to it. I see tears shining in his eyes and it kills me. It kills me that he’s letting this one mistake discredit everything we experienced together.
“Yes,” I croak, moving toward him. My hands reach out, longing to touch him and pull him to me. To comfort him and show him that I’m still me, not the monster that he currently sees me as. “I love you, Roan. I love who I have become with you. I love my life here in London with you. This place doesn’t feel like home without you.”
“Home,” he laughs and shakes his head. “I can’t believe I took you home. I can’t believe I introduced you to my gran. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid.”
Pain. Searing, torturing, relentless pain slices through me at his words. My knees threaten to give out, and as he moves past me, I hear myself call out to him, “Is that it then?”
He stops midstride, only turning his head to reply, “Yeah, that’s it…because you definitely weren’t worth the chase.”
I drop down on my knees, sobbing as he walks away and leaves me alone on the pitch. Each step he takes further from me feels like a vice squeezing my heart. I want to run after him. I want to chase him the way he chased me and beg him to forgive me, but I know it’s too late. It’s all much too late. Closing my eyes, I let the pain of losing the man I love overcome me.
