Page 88 of Dying to Meet You
He pulls out the chair opposite me and sits down. He folds his hands on the table, his long fingers so familiar that it makes me ache.
“Thank you,” he says quietly. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
“Natalie wanted me to.”
He nods jerkily. “You know...” He looks me dead in the eyes. “I’ve always pictured how it would be when I finally got to talk to you again. I figured we’d run into each other at a café. You’re sketching something for work at a table. I’m having a good hair day...”
A stunned laugh bursts from my chest.
His lips twitch. “You look great, Rowan. Although I know you’re not here for the compliments.” He sighs. “They only give us thirty minutes, so I have to talk fast. Unless you have anything you want to say first?”
I’m too startled to do anything but shake my head.
“Fine. The reason I came back to Portland was to ask if I could be in Natalie’s life. I started with you. Got nowhere. Then she commented on one of the band’s Instagram photos, so I messaged her. Had no idea that she was going behind your back.”
“I got that,” I manage.
He nods. “Anyway, I’m sorry. I’m very unclear on why I got arrested on a bullshit violation, but we’ll get to that in a second. I’ve got something to tell you about Natalie that can’t wait. You have to keep her from smoking weed.”
I play that back in my head. “Um, what?”
“Weed. Marijuana. Grass...”
“I know what weed is,” I say icily. “But what has that got to do with Natalie?”Please God don’t let him tell me my daughter does drugs.
He leans forward in his chair and studies me with a level gaze. “When she was born, I started lighting up. I had a lot of anxiety. New baby with a woman too good for me. Terrible job prospects. I smoked because it kept me level. After you and I moved back to Maine, I never did any other drugs.”
“Okay...” I try to take that in. “Really? Never?”
He shakes his head. “Just weed, but I made it a habit. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I’d begun to have bad reactions to it. Hallucinations.That night in the bar, when I ruined our lives? I was hallucinating. Thought that guy was some kind of demon.”
My head jerks back. “What?”
“Yeah, I didn’t get it, either. Went to prison. Started feeling more like myself. There wasn’t a lot of weed in prison back then. The smoke is too easy to smell. They tend to go for the hard stuff in there. Never wanted anything to do with the hard stuff, so I steered clear.”
“I’m confused as to where this is going.”
He gives me a sad smile. “Bear with me a second. A few years in, weed becomes legal in Maine, and edibles start making the rounds. I trade a guy for some. To break up the monotony. And—bam—I’m right back to major paranoia and seeing things. I hurt another guy. My sentence is extended.”
My chest hurts. “Because ofweed?”
“Well, weed and stupidity. The only good thing that came out of it is that I went to a court-mandated substance abuse class—they teach one inside. I told the substance abuse counselor my strange story, and he listened. Then the next week he brings me an article about a syndrome called cannabis psychosis. It’s a real thing that happens to a tiny percent of the population.”
Cannabis psychosis. I have chills.
“But hey—some guys are just lucky.” He spreads his hands like it’s a joke.
“God, I had no idea.”
“I know. Me neither. And I’m okay now.” He shrugs. “I’m sure you probably think I’m some kind of major druggie, but getting off weed wasn’t even very tricky for me, once I understood what it was doing to my brain. Weed isn’t as chemically addictive as some other drugs. The guys who get hooked on opioids have a harder time. But Rowan—my reaction might be hereditary. And marijuana is legal in Maine. Natalie can’tevertry it.”
“Oh.”Oh.
“I was going to explain it all. To both of you. But I only sat down with her once. I brought it up. Said I had some health things she neededto hear. Especially about drugs, and she cuts me off. She’s all, like, ‘I’d never do drugs.’ ”
In those four words, he captures her flippant teenage tone so perfectly that my throat tightens again.
His gaze dips. “Rowan, she’ssobeautiful.” His eyes are suddenly red. “God, I thought I’d die when she walked into that coffee shop. Couldn’t believe it. She looks just like you. I thought I’d get more time to tell her exactly what happened to me.” He inhales sharply. “Promiseme you’ll make her understand. No cannabis. No CBD oil or anything. We just don’t know.”
