Page 62 of To Crave Darkly
Cassian was silent for a long beat, staring down at me with anger and disbelief swirling in the depths of his cold eyes. I needed this dragon on my side. He was the only one who could really train me and I kind of felt he’d been holding back because he hadn’t deemed me worthy. I needed to change that.
“Cassian, whether you like it or not, I am here, and I am not going anywhere. You don’t have to like me, but you can’t deny that I need your help.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “That is true. You can’t even throw a punch properly.”
I wanted to argue with him, but he was right. My shot was a lucky one. I’d caught him off guard and that wasn’t going to happen again. “Will you show me? Will you show me what it means to be a part of this team?”
He canted his head to one side as he considered my request. “Fine. We will start in earnest tomorrow. But I warn you, you’ll find Jasper a walk in the park compared to me.”
I groaned and I swear I caught a flash of a sadistic grin on Cassian’s cocky mouth as he left my room. He was going to enjoy making me suffer.
***
After a long, hot shower and a plate full of food, I went in search of Fenris. I hadn’t seen him yet since waking up and I longed to see him with my own two eyes. Until I had actually seen that he was ok, there was still a part of me that disbelieved that he was alive. I knocked softly on his door and heard his soft voice call from the other side.
I entered his room quietly, barely crossing the threshold. My breath was lodged in my chest. What if he hated me? Cassian was right. It was my fault he was there in the first place. If only I hadn’t run off like a coward. If only I had stayed in the bar none of this would have happened.
“Lori, is that you?”
Relief flooded my chest and tears sprang to my eyes as I drank in the sight of Fenris propped up in bed eating a bowl of popcorn and watching an old movie. His broad grin was all the reassurance I needed. I leapt across the room and threw myself into his arms.
“Ooof,” he said as I impacted him. I had never been so grateful to see anyone in my life. All the fear of losing him, the worry and agony, and then the joy at seeing him alive, had me sobbing into his shirt.
He stroked my hair and held me close. His familiar earthy scent surrounded me, and I clung to him like I was afraid I was going to lose him all over again.
“It’s ok, Lori. I’m fine.”
“I thought I’d lost you,” I cried as I sat back up to look at him. He looked a little pale, but I couldn’t see any permanent damage.
His hands wiped away my tears, which just made me sob even more. I hated crying. I was such an ugly crier but Fenris didn’t seem to care. “Nope. I’m still here and that’s all thanks to you.”
I looked away, guilt swimming in my stomach. “But it’s my fault. If I hadn’t run off, you wouldn’t have been there on your own. And I…”
“No. Don’t do that. This wasn’t your fault. If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.”
My gaze flicked back to Fenris and a glisten of unshed tears framed his dark eyes. “I should never have taken you off the base. I put you in danger and I was a fool to think I could handle any threats on my own. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s ok. I’m sorry too. I should have listened to you. You were right. I haven’t been fully on board but seeing you in that alley… Well, I guess that was the wakeup call I needed.”
Fenris chuckled softly. “I saw your demon make an appearance. She was fucking scary, a real badass. She made Cassian look like a teddy bear.”
I laughed. It felt good to laugh. I had been on such a roller coaster over the last few hours that I had almost forgotten what laughing felt like.
“Yeah, she’s pretty awesome.” Until she takes it too far. A vision of the empty husk of Flint flashed before my eyes and I blanched.
“What happened after I was gone, Lori?” Fenris’ eyes searched mine, as if he were looking for the answer in their black depths.
I turned away as the shame crawled through me. I felt my shoulders slump, and tears threatened to fall again. “I stole his… I…” I couldn’t form the words. I couldn’t seem to make my mouth move. I didn’t want to admit that I was a monster.
Fenris gathered me in his arms and pulled me back onto the bed with him. His big arms wrapped around me and I nestled my head into the crook of his shoulder. He always knew what I needed, and right now, I needed to feel that I was worth touching. That I was worth something to someone because right now, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be alive. For a few moments in that alley, I had become an abomination, and even though Flint was a bad guy, he hadn’t deserved what I had done to him.
I felt dirty, guilty and ashamed.
I could blame my demon, but deep down, I knew that I had let her take his soul. I hadwantedto take it. But what scared me the most, was that I had enjoyed it.
A shudder ran through me at the thought. I didn’t want to bare my sin to the world, but I knew if I didn’t get it off my chest, it would eat me alive from the inside. I snuggled deeper into Fenris’ embrace, enjoying it for a few moments longer, because once I told him what I had done, I was sure he would hate me.
I took a deep breath and told him everything. How my demon had appeared before I entered the alley, how she felt when I let her take control. I told him of the wrath that drove me to steal Flint’s soul, the elation I felt at consuming it and then the horror I felt in the aftermath. Through it all, Fenris kept hold of me, kept trailing his hands up and down my spine and it made it easier for me to bare my soul to him.
