Page 9 of To Crave Deeply
“If only it were that simple,” she fumed.
She was angry and upset about something and my heart gave a little clench. I didn’t like seeing her upset and I knew it was foolish to ask, but I was going to ask anyway. Looked like I was a sucker for punishment too.
“What do you mean?”
Her eyes met mine and it was only then that I realised that they were a soft brown. Where had her demon gone?
“Remember how we all thought I’d finally assimilated with my demon? Turns out that bitch lied to me. She merely hid herself deep enough in my mind that I couldn’t feel her and then, when Camael took my soul, she took control of my body. And now, she’s walking around down there like it’s hers!”
Something in me snapped. I was angry. If my heart were still pumping blood around my body, it would be searing my veins with how angry this made me. I hated that I reacted this way, that seeing Lori in pain turned me into an angry creature determined to avenge her, but I was dead and there was fuck all I could do about it now. Unless I went back, like they wanted me to. Apparently, they thought I had unfinished business down there. But I didn’t.
She was standing right in front of me.
“How is that even possible?” I growled. “I thought she was a demon born when you were born. If she’s got her own will and soul, then it means she’s not what we thought at all.”
“I know. Cindy is speaking to someone about finding a way to send me back. She said she’s never seen something like this before.”
“Cindy?”
“My afterlife caseworker,” she replied with the ghost of a smile and my stupid heart melted at the sight. “What were you doing in the corridor?”
Shit. I was hoping she’d forgotten all about that. I pulled away from her. I didn’t want her to look at me when I told her that I’d rather choose death than sort out my unfinished business. And I couldn’t lie to her. For some reason, the words just wouldn’t form in my mouth.
“They want to send me back.”
Her face lit up like a Christmas tree and I groaned. She was so happy with that news, so hopeful that I was going to be able to live, that my stomach squirmed as I thought about those little dreams I was about to crush.
Fuck. I was starting to feel too much. I was starting to care, and I couldn’t have that. Not when I needed Lori to let me be. I felt the emotionless mask slip into place on my features. I learnt a long time ago how to hide my emotions from the world and I was fucking good at it. It was like finding a mental switch in my mind and just flipping it to numb my soul to all the pain and sorrow that was always buried there. But doing that also switched off my ability to love, to care; Hell, I didn’t even laugh anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I heard that sound emanate from me. It was probably on that bloody day fifty-four years ago when I chased that back-stabbing bitch through the forest.
I shouldn’t think about that day because it only made me angry and then all I wanted to do was give in to my dark side that enjoyed pain. I could always feel it flickering deep in my soul and, as I looked down at Lori, I knew I was going to hurt her. I couldn’t stop myself from inflicting it. I couldn’t hold back that curiosity that had me itching to push Lori just to see how far she’d go. I knew I was a sadist, knew that I craved the exploration of a person’s pain. It’s what made me so good at getting information out of unwilling participants in my interrogation room. I didn’t know why I enjoyed it so much. I figured it probably had something to do with my past and being so disconnected from the world. I was unable to feel, unable to truly connect to my emotions anymore, and I knew that I had the power to switch them all back on if I wanted to, but I’d lost the ability to really process anything I felt. The only way I connected to someone now was through their pain.
“Cassian?” she asked warily.
I smirked. She could probably see the coldness seeping back into my features as I thought about all the fun things I could do to her. I wanted to pull her apart to find out what made her tick. How was she so persistent in getting through to me on an emotional level, even though I’d tried to scare her off more times than I could count? Why couldn’t she just stay away and leave me alone?
But I’d missed my chance. I’d chosen to die on that ballroom floor because simply being alive hurt more than dying.
“I’m not going back.”
She flinched at the cold tone of my words and her face dropped.
“What?” she asked in disbelief. “Why?”
“There’s nothing left for me there.”
I could tell the moment her disbelief morphed into anger. Her mouth thinned to a flat line and her brow pinched into a deep scowl. I could almost feel the heat from her eyes as she glared at me with a fierce stare of fury. She really was magnificent when she was angry. I enjoyed pissing her off just to see that look.
“Nothing?” she spat. “There’s nothing left for you?”
“No,” I replied flatly. “Not one single thing could tempt me to even think about returning.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“You’re wrong, princess. I couldn’t care less about the mortal plane. And now that we’ve established that, I am going to go and find someone who will actually help me move on. I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure knowing you, but… well, you’ve been a pain in my ass since day one. Goodbye, Lori.” And with that, I turned on my heel and left the room and Lori behind me.
I was finally going to be free.
Chapter 4
