Page 104 of Wilder at Heart
Answer me one question, no messing around, and I’ll shut up.
Do you still love him?
And I said yes. I told Theo I still loved Jonathan. Jesus Christ. How could I have been so dim? Was that when he bowed out? Approached Jonathan and told him to go for it with me?
‘He may have said a couple of things,’ I mumbled. ‘But I shut him down. I was so stupid.’
The tears are flowing freely now, and Jonathan puts a hand on my arm and pats it paternally. Jesus. It hurts so much I’m practically breathless. Theo has feelings for me—feelings that made him fall on his sword for me—and I’ve been totally oblivious to them and to my own emotions.
‘For what it’s worth,’ Jonathan continues, ‘he gave me a massive bollocking. Really laid into me. Told me I should be ashamed of how I’d treated you, that I’d shown you far too little respect after being with you for such a long time, and that he’d punch me in the face if I ever fucked up again. He said I didn’t know how lucky I was. That he’d give anything to have you feel that way about him.’
I ball my fist and press it to my mouth so hard my teeth hurt. My body’s shaking with the unsuccessful effort of stemming the flow of my tears.
‘I can’t believe he said that,’ I whisper. The Theo Montague I thought I knew didn’t have the humility to open up like that to someone he disliked.
To so openly concede defeat to another guy.
To rip open his heart and risk another man crowing his victory.
‘Look. He was right. I behaved in a shitty way. I didn’t handle things well at all, and I really regret it, for what it’s worth.’
Second only to a declaration of undying love, I’ve longed for an apology from this man. And here it is, and it’s quite satisfying to get it, but that’s all. Honestly, I couldn’t care less. Because he and I are history.
‘You were a total nob.’
‘I know. I’m sorry. I wish I’d behaved better, but you and I are better off apart, Nor. Things weren’t great at the end. I was restless, and I think you could sense it, because you got seriously twitchy. And bossy, while you tried to hold things together between us.’
I flinch. I know he’s right, but it doesn’t make it easier to hear.
‘But you’re not like that with him,’ he continues. ‘Not as far as I’ve seen, I mean. You seem more… carefree. He’s good for you, I think. Just like Lucy’s good for me. We’ve both found people we fit better with.’
My body’s still shuddering. I run my fingers up the stem of my wineglass. ‘He’s really good for me. He’s—God, he’s amazing. He makes me really, really happy.’
‘Yeah.’
We’re silent for a bit.
‘I love him,’ I blurt out, and start sobbing again, because it’s true. I’m head over heels in love with the guy I was warned about, who I was determined to stay the hell away from. I didn’t see him coming, and I didn’t recognise the feelings I had for him, because they were—are—unlike anything I’ve felt before. And maybe, if Jonathan’s correct, I’ve hurt Theo even more than I’ve let him hurt me.
As soon as I’ve kicked Jonathan out, I call Theo. Once. Twice.
Nothing.
I have to speak to him. Have to hear his voice. I feel like banging my head against the wall. What the hell was wrong with me? How the fuck did I not see what’s been staring me in the face? I thought I was so empowered, having casual sex with a hot guy. Compartmentalising my feelings. When in reality, being with Theo Montague has been the least casual, and most meaningful, experience of my life.
A few minutes later, I get a WhatsApp from him.
Sorry can’t talk—at dinner with Saoirse’s family. It’s rowdy! See you tomorrow, gorgeous xxx
I tell myself it’s a good thing. This isn’t something I should do on the phone. It needs to be face to face. I need to look him in his beautiful eyes while I attempt to express to him how strongly I feel. Tomorrow evening is the rehearsal dinner. Theo and I will be sharing a room. Putting on a cosy display at dinner for the benefit of his family.
I have to get to him first.
Because if he feels the same about me, we’ll find a way to be together. I’ll pack up my business. Decline Evelyn’s amazing, career-changing offer. I’ll follow him to New York, if he’ll have me.
None of it’s in the plan. But Theo’s more important than a stupid plan.
CHAPTER 39
