Page 75 of Ice
“There’s nothing to apologise for, Ice. Please don’t dwell on this.”
He sighed heavily, not even making any attempt to return my embrace.
“Don’t dwell on having a useless dick? Sorry, babe, we men just aren’t wired that way.”
I pressed my face against his shoulder, trailing kisses over his warm, damp skin. I could feel him trembling slightly, or was he still suffering with tremors? The poor man was going through so much.
He suddenly tensed, and let out a pained groan.
“Fucking perfect. Why not now, huh? Bastard arm.”
Oh no. I pulled back, releasing him from my arms.
“Your shoulder’s spasming?”
He nodded, tensing up, and gripping it with the other hand, probably in response to a spasm.
“Oh god, Ice. Let me ask the doc if he can give you something for it.”
“No! Nobody can know. God… they’d take my cut. I can’t lose the club, babe. I fucking can’t.” It seemed unbelievable to me that the club would fight so hard to keep him safe and healthy, just to callously kick him out on his rear if he couldn’t ride, but what did I really know? My little knowledge of club life came from my brief time here, and what mum had told me about dad’s club. They sounded pretty brutal, which thankfully didn’t to be seem the case here, unless I just hadn’t been here long enough yet.
In the end, to give him a few minutes to wallow in the pain he was suffering, without my eyes on him, and making him feel like he had to ‘man up’; a phrase I hated, by the way, I went down to return the soup bowl and order some dinner for us for later. I figured I’d bring some coffee back too. Looking after my man made me happy, but I just wished I could do the same for his pain.
Thirty-Five
Shecouldpretendallshe liked that my pathetic excuse for a cock wasn’t a problem, but we both knew it was. I’d been blessed with a fair sized dick, but honestly, it was next to useless at the moment. Before my shoulder had started, I’d been tempted to suggest we try the hunting thing again, to see if I could get out of my head enough to just enjoy the moment.
Once I was in a buttload of pain though, that was a guarantee that my dick wouldn’t work at all. She deserved better than me. What good had I been for her so far? What had I done to improve her life? Fuck all. I’d managed to lose her the job she loved, her reputation, her driving licence, and now she couldn’t get a good dicking, because I was incapable of it. What fucking use was I?
While I gave nothing in return, she’d helped me so much. She’d helped me by getting me to talk about shit I’d held back for way too fucking long. Having someone who knew about the pain I suffered, especially when I did stupid things like punching walls, or trying to punch my brothers. Knowing that I could just tell her I was in pain, rather than having to hide it, and hideevery flinch, and every reaction to the waves of agony, was a relief that I didn’t know I could experience.
She’d made me tell her about my life growing up, and in doing so, she’d helped me find the fucking root of my hatred for Has-Been, and what the fuck. How the hell had I not realised what that was? And why the hell was I blaming a grown man, who’d mostly just been mildly disapproving of me as a person, for something that he never did, not even as a kid. It wasn’t his fault that I’d somehow mentally linked his presence with evil, and abuse, and suffering.
I wasn’t really sure what to do about that now, either. Should I tell him? Did he need to know? Or could I just stop acting like an asshole around him? What if I wasn’t even capable of that? What if five minutes in his presence switched my dickhead button back on?
And Reacher, the poor bastard; the guy was in hell, and trying to shoulder that shit alone, well, maybe with Ryder’s help, since he seemed to rely on him a lot more than I think even he realised. Stitch, my missing brother. Why the hell was he hiding from us, when we could be supporting him through whatever the hell he was going through?
I got up and dug out those expired pain pills, staring at them for a moment. Could I take them with what the doc gave me? He hadn’t given me anything for the pain because I’d taken paracetamol at Lissa’s house. I mentally shrugged, because it wasn’t possibly physically, and washed two down with a glass of water. It wasn’t like they really helped, but for some reason it felt like the only control I had over the situation. I winced as another spasm tore across my shoulder and arm. Fucking hell.
I sat down to wait for Lissa to return, but half an hour later, with my spasms finally subsiding, she still hadn’t returned. What the hell was going on down there? I shouldn’t go looking for her, but if I did, maybe I could do something to make herproud on my way through. I could bury the hatchet with Has-Been, who’d been a fucking rock for me these last few days. I might be a fucking joke in the sack, but I was going to fucking make something right.
I dressed carefully, and left my room, heading down the hallway to knock on Has’s door. He took a moment to open it, and when he did he frowned, and adjusted the angle of the door, like he had something to hide.
“Hey, man. ‘Sup?”
This was so much harder now that we were face to face, but I couldn’t back out now.
“I uh… Jesus. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for, well, yeah, being a dick to you for, fuck me, for years. It was my shit, not yours, and thank fuck for Lissa, because she made me see what was behind it, and it was never your fault, man. I’m sorry.”
His eyebrows were practically up in his hairline by the time I’d finished, but they quickly dropped down to join the scowl on his face.
“Well, that’s really special and all, but you can go fuck yourself, yeah? And while you’re doing that, you can stay the fuck away from me. I don’t need assholes like you in my life, and-”
“Wait, stop it, both of you!” Lissa’s voice came from behind him.In his fucking bedroom.While I sat in my room and waited for her, she was in here with him. That son of a fucking bitch! I lunged at him, and we both crashed back into his room.
Lissa
Ithoughtthingswerefinewith us, and I thought I understood what we had. He’d told me he loved me, didn’t he? Didn’t he tell me that he wanted me? I’d even been allowed back in the clubhouse by the bastard who’d banned me, because I had one more chance. One more chance to make Ice happy, but what about me? Didn’t I deserve that too?
