Page 90 of Ice
“So, talk to me, Reacher. Let’s see if I can help you too.”
Forty-Two
Doclistened,andhedidn’t judge, or at least he didn’t do so outwardly. He was alert enough to notice when the spasms finally eased too, and thank fuck for that.
“You’ve gone six minutes since the last one. Is it over?”
The urge to shrug was strong again, but my desire to keep the pain away was stronger.
“Hopefully. If so, it’ll be an easy day. It only lasted twenty-eight minutes.”
“That’s not normal?”
I watched him pack his tablet away again.
“It’s lasted an hour before. I think it depends on what set it off. I over-extended, so I knew it would happen, but it’s not as severe as if I’d lunged at someone in a fight or something.”
“The pills don’t do a damn thing, do they?”
I shook my head. “It’s like an instinct to take them, like maybe this time it’ll work.”
“I’d like to ask that you bin them, and don’t get more. You don’t need more addictions, and if they’re not helping, thenyou’re literally just taking them for the sake of it. That’s not gonna help you in the long run.”
Whatever. I nodded in the direction of the kitchen.
“They’re out of date anyway. Doubt they do anything anyway.”
“Prick. Okay, the exercises the physio gave you, you got them to hand?”
I snorted. “Course not. No idea what happened to the sheet they gave me. I did them a few times, but it’s hard when it’s painful, and when it’s not, it’s like why would I want to risk setting it off again? It’s… I know I’m a man, and I’m supposed to just shrug shit off, but it’s debilitating, man.”
He glared at me. “Pain is relative. Everyone feels it differently, and everyone has a different pain threshold. I’ve seen bigger men than you brought to their knees by something far less severe than this. Don’t make out it’s no big deal. There’s no shame in how we deal with pain. I just wish I had a solution to it, but right now I can’t help you while it’s still tender. I’ll find out what I can though, and work with you on a physio plan. What’s your strength like in that arm?”
Hell. It was all coming out now, but if he could help me, was it wrong to be honest? Shouldn’t I take this opportunity to try and fix the thing that could lose me my place in this club?
“Not good, man. I dunno, could it atrophy? It feels weaker.”
“Makes sense. Brother, you should have come to me with this straight away. Even if the damage is permanent, we’ll find a way for you to live with it, without such frequent pain.”
I wished. I would do pretty much anything to never have to feel that much pain again.
“Uh… so I guess there’s a question you’re trying not to ask me…”
He grimaced, leaning forward in his seat.
“Yeah… is this why you were using? Was it an attempt to cope with the pain? To mask it? Stop feeling altogether? You wereself-medicating?” Oddly it wasn’t the question I’d expected. The one I’d been dreading.
“Yeah… I think it started out that way, and then, you know… a little becomes a lot. Sometimes becomes often. I don’t think I realised how deep a hole I’d been digging for myself.”
“We were all afraid for you. We could see it happening, and we had no idea how to stop it, short of locking you in a room and forcing you to get clean, but that’s not exactly the safest way to handle it either.”
And anything short of that, I’d have fought against tooth and nail, and he knew it. I was so sure I had things under control back then, at least until I realised that point had passed, and I had no idea how to undo it.
“I can’t promise I won’t slip again, but I’m trying, man. And Lissa helps. She really does. She knows about this, and she’s the first person I ever told. The first person who sat with me, and tried to help. I don’t think I can manage without her.”
He shrugged. “Your old lady is your old lady, man, and when you find her, you know it. Watching some of the others pairing off, it’s tough. It’s like we all fucking want that, yeah? With the exception of a few brothers, who’d probably rather keep dipping their dick in everything, like it’s some kind of fucking paint by numbers situation. Hell. I know I want to find someone to settle with, but who’s gonna want a gruff bastard like me, a single dad at that? It sucks.”
I felt for him, because my loneliness hadn’t felt so obvious until I’d had her with me, and had to be away from her again, but what if it was just my addiction hiding it from me for so long? What if he was feeling that way every day?
