Page 89 of Has-Been
Elise giggled, stroking my cock more firmly.
“I’m not into women, Has.”
I couldn’t fight a laugh at her response. Wily little minx that she was, she’d broken whatever the hell that fatalistic cloud of darkness was, that hung over us. She’d made us both laugh, and from there, she was leaning closer, and pressing her lips against mine, as she continued to stroke me.
I finally gave in, pulling her tighter against me as I deepened our kiss, andthat’s when she froze.
Fifty-Five
Henoticedtheexactmoment that the thoughts intruded and ruined the moment for us. The moment I saw that bastard in my head, when he towered over me, jerking off and splatting his cum over my face and hair.
“Babe… it’s okay, we’re just gonna ease back and relax, okay?”
I burst into tears, because above all of the horror of what I’d been through, and the hideous repeats playing in my head, was this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt for pushing Has into a reaction, and then backing away like I was nothing but a tease. He’d been comfortable just talking or sleeping, but I had to push things.
I had to fight for something that I now realised I really wasn’t ready for, not tonight. I’d made him hard, because I wanted what I thought I wanted, and now I’d just aroused him and let him down.
Has just held me as I cried, trying to calm me down, and soothe me, and when I finally started to calm down, he got up and brought me a glass of water, and sat with me as I tried to gather up the courage to speak. To apologise for winding him up like that, and letting him down. A quick peek when he’d got up, had shown me that he wasn’t straining at his pants anymore, but I still felt like a bitch for encouraging him when he hadn’t wanted to start anything.
“I’m sorry.”
He groaned, climbing back into bed properly, and taking the water from me when I handed it to him.
“Nothing to apologise for, babe. Let’s get some sleep, and then in the morning, I want you to talk to Lissa, okay? Let all of this stuff out, and let her help you deal with it.”
“I promise, and I promise not to do that to you again. I know that wasn’t fair.”
We were snuggling down together in bed, and Has dragged me back over his chest, so he could hold me.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, babe. There’s nothing to beat yourself up for, but please get some rest. We’re both exhausted.”
His calmness, and the warmth and safety of his tight hold on me, sent me deep into a deep sleep, addled with strange and dark dreams that I instantly lost track of, as I woke the next morning. All I knew was that they weren’t normal dreams, and they left me with that vaguely unsettled feeling as I got up and went through the motions of getting showered and dressed.
Has had insisted on me getting ready while he made some calls, and by the time I was dressed, Lissa was already at the door. I guess he’d made the decision for me, and I was equal parts touched and frustrated, because his issues were probably worse than mine.
“Gonna take a shower and stuff, babe. You ladies take your time in here.” He disappeared into the bathroom after making coffee for me and Lissa.
We sat at the dining table, and I felt instantly on the defence, as that warm gaze of hers settled on me.
“Has thinks that you might benefit from a little chat this morning, Elise, but I know that wasn’t his decision to make. If you want to talk about nothing, that’s fine too. You’ll talk when you’re ready.”
I slid down further in my chair, hugging my mug to my chest.
“I guess I know I need to talk, but I’m still feeling weirded out, like maybe it’s too soon.”
Lissa nodded, tucking a wisp of red hair back and smoothing it into the elegant French plait she wore.
“That’s highly likely, Elise, and there’s no pressure on you to talk at all, but it will help you in the end. It’ll help you to work through what you feel about what happened, and it’ll help to reinforce the understanding that none of it was your fault. You didn’t make it happen, you didn’t ask for it, and you didn’t make some error in judgement that led to it.”
I felt the prick of tears at her words, because it was like she could see into my head. Maybe it was just that she was damn good at her job. I had no idea, but I sipped my coffee as I tried to hide how my lips were trembling against the torrent of tears I was holding back.
“Has explained what happened while you were being held by this bastard, so that you wouldn’t have to go into detail if you didn’t want to. This doesn’t mean you can’t, but it also means that I can help you if you need me. You’re an extremely strong person, Elise, but it doesn’t mean you can’t let it all out sometimes.”
A sob choked in my throat and I turned my head to stare out the window, at the annoyingly blue sky and bright sunshine.How could it be so pretty outside when the world was full of monsters, and cruelty, and fear?
“No shame, Elise. Your feelings and reactions are real and important, and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed for expressing them.”
I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks now, and I couldn’t stop them, even as I swallowed the next sob that rose up.
