Page 72 of Run to Ground
Sam’s glare was not nearly as sweet. As he tried to follow Theo out, Jules grabbed his arm. “Nope, Sam-I-Am. We’re talking.”
Although he didn’t look happy about it, he let her tow him to the kitchen table and plopped down in his usual chair. Jules lowered herself into the chair across from him, and they sat in silence for a few minutes. She shifted, not knowing how to begin this sure-to-be-awkward discussion. It turned out that she didn’t have to.
“H-how c-c-c-could you?” The words burst from Sam in an explosive rush.
“How could I what?” Even as she asked, she knew what his answer would be. After all, she’d accused herself of the same thing over and over. How could she endanger her family’s new life by getting involved with a cop? How could she put this crazy infatuation before her siblings’ safety and happiness?
“K-k-k-k…” His inhale shook. “Touch h-him like th-th-that. H-how c-c-c-can you st-stand it?”
Shock made her go silent. They stared at each other, Sam breathing hard, as if he’d sprinted a mile. The goal had always been to get custody, to get the kids away from Courtney. She’d never thought beyond that point. Jules had always just assumed that, once her siblings were living with her, once they were in a safe place, they would be okay. And that, she saw now, sitting across from her wonderful, sweet, tortured brother, had been really dumb of her.
What could she do, though? For now, therapy was out. With the big secret they were keeping, it would probably do more harm than good. It was up to her, then, to muddle through. Suddenly, Jules felt useless. If she couldn’t fix the stupid water heater, then what hope did she have of fixing her brother? As she searched for words—the perfect words, the words that would make him feel right and whole again—the silence stretched between them, and Sam started to look alarmed.
“D-d-did h-he f-f-f-force you?” he demanded.
“No!” Mentally, Jules swore at herself for already messing up. “No, sweetie, no. I wanted to kiss him.”
That didn’t lighten his horrified expression. “Wh-wh-why?”
“Um…” She never thought she’d have to explain attraction to her little brother. Jules would have paid a lot—all of her tips for a month—not to have this conversation. “Because I like him. He’s kind and brave and handsome and he saved our lives. At first, he was really surly—well, he still can be surly—but when he smiles, or listens to Dee like what she’s saying is really important, or checks the house for any danger before I come in, or looks at me like I’m the most interesting and beautiful woman in the world… Well, then I want to kiss him.” She didn’t mention that she also wanted to kiss him when he was at his crabbiest. Since Jules didn’t even understand it herself, it would be impossible—and embarrassing—to explain that to Sam.
He didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at her with that baffled, betrayed expression.
“Haven’t you ever wanted to kiss someone?”
“No.” His answer came quickly, with no hesitation. His certainty made her heart break for him.
“Sam…” Pausing, she took a deep breath, praying that what she was about to say helped, rather than hurt. Sam had been hurt enough. “What Courtney did—”
He scooted his chair back so quickly and violently that it slammed into the wall behind him with a loud bang. “I d-d-don’t w-w-w-want t-to t-t-t-t…d-disc-c-cuss th-that.”
Frantically trying to think of the best thing to do—to push it or let it go, to change the subject or make him face it—Jules ended up just nodding and dropping her hands into her lap. “That’s fine, Sam-I-Am. If you ever do want to talk about it, though—”
“I w-won’t.”
“Quit interrupting your elder,” she scolded, trying to put a light note in her voice as she reached over and flicked his nose. He looked startled. “I’m here if you want to talk about anything. Got it?”
After several long seconds, he grudgingly shrugged. “G-got it.”
“Good.” She paused and then told herself to quit being a chicken and act like a parent. “What you saw me and Theo doing—”
“Y-you d-d-don’t have t-to t-t-tell m-me th-th-this. Ikn-nowit’s n-not the s-s-same, okay? I j-j-just s-saw you with h-h-him, and…” He trailed off with a frustrated sound, as if he couldn’t find the right words.
“Sure,nowyou say that.” His grudging smile at her teasing sent a flood of relief through her. “And quit interrupting me. What you saw, that was completely consensual. We both wanted it, and we were both enjoying it. At least,Iknow that I was enjoying it, and by the sounds Theo was making, I’m pretty sure he was enjoying it—”
“J-JuJu!” Sam groaned, but he was actually laughing a little.
Smiling, Jules continued. “Hey, you asked!” Her smile faded, and she leaned across the table. If Sam hadn’t been out of reach, she would’ve grabbed his hand. “And I’m going to say this last part, and you’re going to listen, and then I won’t bring it up again unless you want to talk about it, okay?”
He looked a little anxious, but he didn’t try to stop her from continuing.
“What you saw just now, between me and Theo, is not the same thing as what was done to you. It’s not even close.” All trace of a smile was gone from his face, and he just stared at her, every muscle in his face and body tense. “Kissing and touching and sex—those things should come from a place of affection, of love. What Courtney did came from a place of sickness—hers, not yours—and a misuse of power.” Sam started to shake his head and say something, but Jules continued, flattening his protests with her words. “I just want you to know that they’re not the same, not even close, so you don’t look at me and Theo and think we’re hurting each other like Courtney hurt you. When you find someone you love, who loves you right back because of the wonderful, amazing,lovableperson you are, I don’t want you to think that you’re hurting them. It’s not the same as the awful things Courtney did, got it? It’s not the same.” Her words came faster and faster as tears pressed behind her eyes, seeking release.
“J-J-Jules.”
“What?” She sniffed and blinked rapidly several times.
“Stop t-talking.”
