Page 88 of The Best Little Christmas Shop
I nodded. ‘He did. But Dan and Claire have been through IVF and I know how hard it was for them. What a strain it puts on things, on top of everything else that’salready going on. A relationship has to be incredibly solid to survive that. Ours was already fracturing, and I knew it wouldn’t survive that. But that wasn’t the only reason I walked away. I loved him but I couldn’t deal with it all. The side of the life he loved: the publicity, the constant questions. Never being able to just chat to someone casually in case they were actually a pap, tryingto get some sort of scoop. I couldn’t adapt to all that and in my heart, I knew I couldn’t make him happy.’
Cal remained silent.
‘I couldn’t make you happy either,’ I said miserably, leaving the tears to flow unchecked.
‘I disagree,’ he countered, his voice calm. He lifted his free hand and, cupping it around my face, brushed my tears away with his thumb.
‘Cal! Look at the state of me! Doyou think I’d be doing this if I thought it could work? Putting myself, and you, through this! I care about you way too much already, which is why I have to tell you all this. To make you see it won’t work. It can’t. It’s painful enough now, and I don’t want to think how much worse it would be if we let ourselves start something and I ended up completely head over heels for you. It has to be thisway. I can’t give you the family you need, and deserve. You missed out as a child and I’m not going to be the one to make you miss out as an adult.’
‘You’re already making me miss out. I’ll be missing out on you if you’re determined to end something before it’s even begun.’
I shook my head. ‘It’s better this way.’
He gave me the stormy look I’d seen the first time I met him.
‘I know you don’tthink that at the moment,’ I said, ‘but you will.’
He opened his mouth to argue, but I stopped him. ‘Cal. I hurt people. I don’t mean to, but I do. I hurt people I care about and it’s awful, knowing that someone is suffering and you’re the cause of it. It was bad enough with Marco but I know that with you, it would be so much worse. I just can’t take the risk.’
‘Life is all about taking risks,Lexi. You’re the last person I thought I’d ever have to say that to. I’ve heard quite a few of your daredevil tales from your family.’
‘That’s different. The worst thing I ever did then was break an arm. Taking a risk on this could result in something far more important getting broken and, to me, that risk is just too great. I’m sorry.’
I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment. ‘You don’tknow how very sorry I am.’
