Page 52 of You Only Live Once
‘Do you think I’ve been horribly selfish?’
‘No,’ Jack said. ‘I don’t. You were devastated and you did what you had to do to try and keep yourself sane. But I do think it’s possible to get into a habit, a rut, which can then be very difficult to get out of, partly because we’re so used to doing things a certain way, and partly because then doing something different can seem overwhelming.’
‘Yes.’
Whether he knew it or not, Jack had hit the nail right on the head. Not that that meant I wasn’t still terrified at the thought of social situations. But if I let myself think about it, it hadn’t really registered that I was missing out on special moments in Ruby and Freddy’s lives. Those were moments I would never get back. I’d missed Felix’s fortieth birthday party a few years ago, and Poppy’s. As much as I’d wanted to go, I just couldn’t do it, but now I knew I should have forced myself. Those nights weren’t about me, they were about Felix and Poppy, and I’d missed out on celebrating the wonderful people they were. I’d missed so many opportunities.
It sounded easy. Just stop staying in, go out, accept all the invitations. But I couldn’t go from zero to full speed. I’d wrapped myself up in my own security blanket for far too long to just throw it away in one swift move.
‘You’re doing a lot of thinking over there.’ Jack’s deep tones broke into my thoughts. ‘There’s practically steam coming out of your ears.’
I gave him a brief smile, the thoughts still churning.
‘Come on,’ he said. ‘Just forget about it all for now. Come out with me and Clive and enjoy the scenery and the exercise and the glorious day. Imagine Emma and her companions looking out over a similar view all those years ago.’ His words made me smile as he referenced one of my favourite books.
‘I didn’t realise you’d read it.’
‘I have a little confession to make. When I used to come round to your house years ago, you often had your nose stuck in a Jane Austen novel and seemed so engrossed, I wondered what all the fuss was about. I mean, obviously I’d seen that there were plenty of adaptations, not that I’d watched any. Anyway, after my wife left, I didn’t really feel like being all that sociable either for a while and I took up reading.’ He pushed open the door and I followed on my side, meeting him at the rear of the car, where we both changed into walking boots.
‘You hadn’t been a big reader before?’
‘No, not really. Something else my parents despaired of, having spent a ridiculous amount on my education. Obviously, I read all the texts I needed to for my studies, but the thought of picking up a book for enjoyment as you always seemed to? I couldn’t really wrap my head around that.’
‘And then you started with Jane Austen?’
Jack laughed as he opened the boot. Much to my surprise, Clive didn’t spring out like a wind-up jack-in-the-box suddenly released, but stayed put.
‘He’s not jumping out.’
‘Nope. He’s been taught not to,’ Jack said, clipping the lead onto the dog’s collar. ‘Come on then, mate.’ At this direction, Clive leapt easily from the car, his tail wagging madly back and forth in excitement. He wandered off a little to the length of the lead, towards the edge of bushes, and began sniffing. Jack was patting his pockets.
‘You OK? Forgotten something?’
‘Just checking I have poo bags.’ As if on cue, Clive, in the shade of the bush, squatted and then trotted back to us, looking pleased with himself. Jack handed the lead to me and walked over to the spot, crouched down and tidied up. ‘There’s a bin just there. I’ll be back in a moment,’ he said, jogging off. Clive gave a small whine.
‘It’s all right. He’ll be back in a moment,’ I said, reaching down to ruffle his chin. He sat, pressed his head against my thigh and waited. As Jack strode quickly back towards us, Clive stood up and did a happy, excited dance at his approach.
‘Somebody likes you.’
‘Well, at least someone does.’ He gave me a wink and gestured for us to set off. I held out the lead for him.
‘Can you hold on to him for a minute?’
I looked at him warily, suspecting he might be trying to coax me into getting used to the dog and therefore changing my mind about keeping him. Jack rolled his eyes and waggled his phone at me. ‘I just want to check the hike route on the map.’
‘Oh. Right. Yes, of course.’
We walked off slowly as Jack familiarised himself with the direction and then held his hand out for me to hand over the lead. ‘We can let him off in a minute anyway.’
‘Is that OK? He won’t get lost or run into a road?’
‘No, he’s got a really good recall and we’re away from the road now.’
‘Oh. Right.’
Jack bent down to unclip the lead. Impulsively, I gave Clive’s face a little fuss. ‘Now, don’t you go running off, OK?’
He appeared to listen for a moment then shot off across the field like a greyhound out of a trap.
