Page 51 of You Only Live Once
‘No, I get it,’ Jack said, without taking his eyes from the road, and a distinct lack of emotion in his voice.
We drove on for a while with little conversation and just the background noise of Classic FM playing quietly to break the silence until we turned off the road. I caught the road sign as we began to climb a hill.
‘Box Hill? Is that where we’re going?’ I asked, excitedly.
Jack glanced across. ‘Yes. There are some good walks here and I thought you might enjoy the setting.’
‘I’ve wanted to come here forever. Mike and I always meant to come but somehow never got around to it. There’s a picnic scene in—’
‘Jane Austen’sEmma.’ He smiled at me briefly, but I was relieved to see warmth in it this time. ‘I know. I’m afraid I can’t quite arrange all the servants and the full spread, but I did get a few things from Marks and Spencer yesterday on the off-chance I could persuade you out, so hopefully that will be OK.’
I felt the smile on my face get wider. ‘Our own picnic?’
He nodded, concentrating on the bendy road and the clutch of cyclists in front of him. How they even began to climb up here was beyond me.
‘If you’re up for it, we could get a roast at a pub later. Obviously depends if you just want to get home, though.’
‘Oh! Umm…’ I looked out at the bright sky, and the beautiful green countryside surrounding me in every direction.
‘Like I said, we don’t have—’
‘No, I’d love to. But will Clive be able to come in? I don’t think I’d feel comfortable leaving him in the car. You hear all these things about dognapping and stuff. I’d never be able to enjoy a meal if I was worrying about someone stealing Clive.’
‘No, I know.’
‘And this doesn’t change my opinion. Just because I’m unable to keep him doesn’t mean I want anything bad to happen to him.’
‘No, I know,’ Jack repeated, languidly. ‘The place I was thinking of is definitely dog-friendly so we’d just take him in with us.’
‘Oh, OK. That’s good. Yes, much better. That sounds lovely, then. Saves either of us cooking and,’ I gave a small throat clear, ‘it, umm, might be nice to do something like that for a change.’ I paused. ‘I actually can’t remember the last time I did that, aside from my breakfast out a few weeks ago. Felix and Poppy used to suggest going out but I think they just gave up asking after a while. I don’t blame them as I always refused to go. I suppose that seems rude, really. I hope they didn’t feel that way, as it certainly wasn’t meant that way. You don’t think they felt like that, do you?’ I asked, suddenly a bit agitated about it all.
Jack removed a hand very briefly from the wheel and touched my leg momentarily in reassurance. ‘No. I know for a fact they don’t feel you were being rude.’
‘How?’
‘He spoke to me about it.’
‘He did?’
‘Yes. We’ve had the odd chat about things over the years. Thankfully for me, distance didn’t affect my friendship with Felix. He just worries about you. Although it all got a bit heated between us, he feels the same way as I do – he’s just concerned you’re not enjoying life as much as you deserve to. They know you’re not doing anything to hurt anyone on purpose.’
‘But they are hurt? Even if I’m not doing it on purpose.’
Jack indicated left and pulled into the car park at the top of the hill. We drove around to a space and he swung the car in. Switching off the engine, he twisted a little in the seat to face me.
‘Do you want me to make you feel better or do you want the truth?’
I heaved a deep breath.
‘The truth. I think…’
Jack waited.
‘Yes. Definitely. The truth.’
‘Yes, they’re hurt on occasion when you don’t feel able to join them in birthday celebrations out, or parties for the children. They’ve explained to the kids as well as possible and, at the moment, they know that you won’t be there for birthday parties, but I don’t know if they’ll always accept that as they grow older. That’s an unknown, but Poppy and Felix have certainly done all they can to smooth things so far.’
I sat for a moment, staring out towards the trees that were all bursting into leaf, from vibrant lime to deep hunter green. It hadn’t occurred to me that Felix had ever felt that something – or more accurately – someone was missing from their celebrations. My stomach churned and twisted.
