Page 121 of Exactly What I Needed
“How? All of that is factual,” Carter taunted as usual, and I stopped in front of the classroom door.
“I have a tattoo.” I winked and disappeared without giving anyone a chance at a rebuttal.
The music reached my ears before I saw the stadium. A football field turned into an arena for a concert. The bleachers were rising higher than before, while on the opposite side, somehow, the stage now stood in place of the seats that had once been there.
A familiar black backdrop draped behind lights that were not flashing with the song they were rehearsing. One that pulled at my heart, tuggingme from the nerves that were riddling within my bones. I clutched Xander tighter against my hip, standing frozen at a makeshift entrance through the fence.
One security guard was posted there, and he recognized me, remembered me, despite three years of my absence. Not a sound had been made, nor an attempt to move toward me as I slipped inside and just watched.
What if this was a terribly, horribly wrong idea? What if it only made things worse? But how much worse could it really get?
Sweat dripped down Asher’s bare torso, the humidity and sun scorching hot as all four men rocked out shirtless. All four of their faces glistened from the salty moisture that lined their foreheads. But my eyes were stuck on the singer.
More tattoos sat upon his ribs, both sides now, and down his abs as well. He’d actually done it, adding to the ink after all. I liked it. All too much for my plain lifestyle. Yet, I also didn’t care anymore that I didn’t fit the stereotype of who I thought I should be for the Dark Banshee. I was who Asher wanted.
Or at least I still hoped I was.
A child giggling snapped me out of my frozen stupor, and my eyes slid to the open turf directly in front of the stage. One toddler jumped up and down, clapping her hands. The bright blonde hair told me she had to be Ava’s, as the little girl with pink noise-canceling earmuffs ran to the very girl that was her mom.
Seated beside her was Nova, holding what had to be twin babies. Both wearing black, one with a bow, the other without. They weren’t evenquite a year, yet, it seemed, as Nova grinned at the little toddler before she waddled away from Ava and nearly crashed into a very pregnant Elysia.
I smiled softly, seeing absolute bliss on her face. One of the few people that I wished I’d been able to maintain some contact with. In fact, all three girls were constant thoughts that had tumbled through my mind over the past few years.
They looked absolutely happy and content.
No one here needed me.
Except maybe him.
My eyes lifted back to Asher, whose brows knitted tightly together, and anguish filled his eyes as he sang the most haunting words of desperation and sorrow I’d ever heard.
Though I wasn’t sure if I was whatheneeded, or if it was just time and hopefully his son.
My feet forced me to take a hesitant step forward as I adjusted the same noise-blocking earmuffs on Xander as the other three littles were wearing, though his were red.
And another step crunched beneath my shoes as I stepped cautiously over the track and then back onto the turf. Each inhale, each breath of desire, pulled me closer to the man who held all of the red flags and green flags on this earth.
His eyes, hollow and focused on the back of the stadium, raked across the empty chairs that were folded neatly against the rail beside me. And I froze.
Everything was happening way too quickly. There had been no time to pause and breathe. I needed a moment to process Asher’s sudden arrival,and he was deserving of a minute to sit with the fact that we had a son. Stepping back against the fence nearest me, I slipped into the shadows to hide, and clutched Xander a little closer to my chest.
I’d been running for years. For a lifetime. This wasn’t me running again. This was me taking a moment to allow everything to settle. I needed time, and so did Asher. Time to sit with what was happening. If I’d changed over these past three years, Asher probably had as well. Plus, I couldn’t imagine what he was thinking and feeling concerning Xander. There had been no signs, no warnings, and Asher had lost over two years of being with his son.
Being here, having the entire band and old friends see me didn’t allow either of us room to think clearly about how we would move ahead concerning Xander. We’d barely had a moment to figure out what was happening between us. It had been a couple hours, that was it.
Slipping the diaper bag around to the front, I found a crumpled old receipt and a pen at the bottom of the bag. I scribbled my new phone number and current address on it, then raced back out to the entrance.
I paused in front of the security guard and extended the piece of paper to him. “Would you give this to Asher for me when he’s done? I need— I can’t—”
He tugged the receipt from my hand and cut me off with a nod. And I quickly jogged back to my little car, grateful I hadn’t needed to explain things.
The drive home was surprisingly quiet. Somehow, Xander didn’t make a peep as he simply flipped through the little board books I kept stashedin my vehicle for him. My mind, however, was not as silent. Open flames burned around me as every possibility roared within me.
Keeping myself closed off, and pushing Asher into the role of dad and nothing more, was the better and safer option. It kept me away from the fame that had blown us up in the first place.
Except that wasn’t entirely true. No. It was my friends, my relationships, and my choices that had shattered my connection with Asher the first time. That something was a sin I would carry until the day I died. But he was here now. He was back and clearly knew what burdens I came with and carried.
If he never showed up at my apartment, then maybe that meant he wanted nothing more to do with me. I could accept that because it would be his choice… The silence and emptiness that would bring, however, would be harder to embrace. Xander also deserved a father.Hisfather. I didn’t deserve Asher’s love or company. Not after the hell I put him through.
