Page 25 of Double Edged Hearts
My heart shatters as the tears fall.
* * *
I went into work early.
Deciding I couldn’t stay in that apartment for another second, I headed out a few minutes after Alex left.
I came into the office and sat at my desk with a cup of coffee I got from the machine in the breakroom.
It’s just gone eight so Lyndsey will be in soon. I don’t want to be in this funk when she gets here. I want to push everything that’s happened to the back of my mind and the back of my heart.
I keep thinking about earlier. Alex told me he loved me. He never said goodbye though. That will always stay with me, along with the memory of the hurt in his eyes as he walked away.
Joining the Bureau was about starting over with a new beginning and new ideas, something different to the path I was on. So far it’s been good and I’ve had opportunities to do all sorts of things.
Is it what I wanted to do? No. That will always be the answer to that question. However, it does align with all my academic studies at MIT and if my expertise wasn’t good enough I wouldn’t have been placed on a case like this.
When I got back from Europe I came to the conclusion that I needed a fresh start and maybe doing what Richard always hoped for me to do by joining him here wasn’t so bad. So far it hasn’t been.
I sip on my coffee and allow the caffeine to work into my mind, lifting the fog of exhaustion.
I can’t think about Alex anymore. Today was the end and I have to make myself believe it. I can’t be blamed for wanting to have a normal life. People say you can’t help who you love, but what happens when your life is in danger because of that person? It’s not like the chance of danger is minimal. It’s something he and his crew worry about all the time.
Alex had to kill his own brother, and he lost another to violence. I never mentioned that when I was talking to him because I didn’t want him to feel bad.
Jude will always be a touchy subject and I used to worry it would break him. I was there for him during that time and I saw what Jude’s death did to him. That was the first time that he broke down that tough guy exterior and I saw his true self. That year we saw more of each other. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. It was two years after that incident that Richard found out about us. Just when I saw we were getting serious, and at that stage when I knew we’d have to start telling people.
Maybe we were never meant to be.
Lyndsey comes in five minutes later, early for work just as I thought.
Although she looks exhausted, she has that lightness in her eyes that always comes from speaking to Owen. Today I admire it like I usually do, but it’s the first time that I feel my soul weep. Before, I just felt guilty for leaving Alex, now there’s a pain in my soul I have to push aside.
“Morning,” Lyndsey beams.
“Hey there,” I answer and smile a smile I don’t quite feel.
“You look like you had a rough night. You okay?” she asks, taking her seat across from me.
“I’m not too bad.”
I’ve never told her about Alex. Sometimes I wish I had. At least I’d have someone to talk to. I’m not used to having friends I keep longer than a few months. All that moving around I did as a child taught me to never get close to anyone. Or at least not for too long.
I did the same thing in my adult life. Lyndsey is perhaps the longest friendship I’ve had. It’s coming up to two and a half years since we’ve known each other.
“How about you?” I ask. “Did you get to speak to Owen?”
She chuckles. “I did, and I miss my guy. I’m sorry I was away for so long. I wanted to see if you were okay before you left.”
“Don’t worry about me, and never worry about speaking to him for too long. It’s nice.”
Her smile brightens. “He always makes me feel better. Always.”
My guy used to make me feel better too. “I’m glad you have him.”
“Me too.” She smiles but then uncertainty clouds her eyes. “I won’t lie Cora, yesterday made me question my chosen line of work. It’s not every day you see terrible things like what we saw. I don’t want to look like I don’t have the balls for the job, or I can’t hack it like the other guys but damn… sometimes it’s too much.”
I nod agreeing. “I know. It was too much for me too.”
