Page 19 of Nyx
“Yeah?” His voice is rough as I release him, and it doesn’t escape my notice that he swipes a hand across his face before turning towards me again.
“Stay,” I plead as I search his eyes, hoping to find clarity there that might help me make sense of these confusing emotions. Everything is hot and cold, slow-moving but too fast, andcloudyand overwhelming, and I don’t understand any of it.
I only know that I don’t want him to leave.
“Stay?”
“You…” I trail off, my mind muddy, and try again. “You… I…” My hand shoves through my hair as a quiet whine forms in my throat. Fear and anxiety turn into a physical thing and steal my voice. They wipe the words from my head and leave me blank. Empty, but longing to say more.
And Ihateit.
I hate that I can’t communicate what I want… that I can’t evenunderstandwhat I’m so desperate to say. The blaring afternoon sun does nothing to soothe thebone-deep chill that makes my limbs quiver, and my gaze falls back to the ground. I can’t look at him. Won’t. Pity would be unbearable, and anything touching anger would fracture these precarious bindings that allow me to hold myself together.
“Oh, Nyx,” he whispers, and I squeeze my eyes closed as a single traitorous tear trails down my cheek. “We, uh… we never ate alone together.”
Surprise makes my gaze flip up to his, and I catch a flurry of emotions. Sadness, and a deep-seated rage I instinctively know isn’t aimed at me. A silent understanding that the others seem incapable of grasping.
But no pity.
“What?” I manage to ask, and he flashes me a sad smile as he gestures at the muffins.
“We said we could eat alone… together. Something tells me neither of us wants to be by ourselves right now.”
A shuttering inhale fills my lungs as I close my eyes and breathe through the oppressive hands of my past that squeeze me like a vise. I nod, able to form only a single word.
“Yes.”
“That’s great, that’s… really great,” Reyes says, gesturing towards the forest. “A few weeks ago, I found this beautiful spot, and it even has some flat rocks we could sit on to eat. I haven’t shown anyone else, so maybe it could just… be ours? Is that alright?”
A single dandelion seed hovers above our heads, and as I watch it float, I wonder if it’s the one that holds onto my wish. If it’s the one with the power to help me hold on to this light.
My eyes move to his, and I let their warmth fill me. It doesn’t replace those cold, fractured parts of me, but it calms them. It sneaks between the cracks and illuminates those long-hidden pieces that were once happy.
It reminds me that someday I might be happy again.
Right now, that’s enough.
Reyes waits for a response, so I take a deep breath and, for the first time in so many years, I decide to be brave. For him. For Elas and Ronan, and the others who have shown me this is a world worth being brave for.
“Yes.”
Reyes
Seatedcross-leggedonastretch of rock, Nyx nibbled his way into that first bite of muffin like a bird. He pecked off a piece so tiny I wasn’t even sure he’d be able to taste it. But then his face lit up. Those pale sage eyes went wide as he licked his lips, a flash of rose-pink tongue scooping up the dusting of crumbs left behind. A sweet little groan of pleasure built in his throat, but it was muffled by the absolutely enormous mouthful he took next.
His eyes closed, and his cheeks pushed out like a squirrel storing its food for the winter, and I wasgiddy.A lifetime of hard work was wiped clean by that moment, and suddenly, that damn muffin was my greatest accomplishment. The highlight of my life. His face smoothed, unburdened by its usual heaviness, and I wondered if someday it might always be that way.
He insisted on sharing, so I agreed to take a muffin from the box and treated it as a precious thing even though I baked it. It was special because it was a gift without stringsor expectations. Something that gave him joy when there’s been so little of it to be found in his life, and he shared it withme.
We didn’t talk as we ate, just were. We watched the leaves sway in the evening breeze, and listened to the sounds of the forest, and neither of us tried to fill the silence.
Nyx was more relaxed than I’d ever seen him, and I was fascinated when he scattered crumbs along the rock behind him. Birds that normally wouldn’t come within a hundred feet of us landed on the rocks. They bounced on their funny little feet and scooped up the treats he left for them, and I taught him the species I knew. Cardinal and Robin, and yes, they’re capitalized because those are their names, and he was thrilled to use them.
They seemed thrilled too.
In the week since that first time, we’ve eaten together twice. Nyx hasn’t initiated, but when I show up at his door with food, he doesn’t hide his excitement. His eyes ignite, something akin to a smile lifting the sides of his lips. I collect those tiny gestures, those nearly invisible signs of his happiness, and cherish every one. Tuck them away safely in my memories, where I can play them on repeat.
On those nights, we trek through the forest to our spot.Ourspot, alone in the woods where no one can burst our private bubble. I fight the whispering voice in my head that wants to beg him for more, and plead for any scraps of himself he might give me. That wasn’t part of our deal, and it isn’t fair of me to demand anything of him when he has so little to offer.
