Page 2 of Defying the Crown
“I’d be very careful what you say, or there won’t be any cookies for you,” Jayda says ominously, before turning back to me with bright eyes. “Please Daniel!”
I cave, tossing my wet jacket off to the side and joining her in the kitchen. Jayda is a force of nature, and there really is no opposition to her when she wants something.
She hums to herself happily, measuring the ingredients as I obediently follow her directions and mix them together. As we bake together, she chats about her day and all the little things in her life that she wants to share. Contrary to her appearance, Jayda is probably the sweetest and most bubbly person you could ever meet. She’s also crazy protective of those she loves, which luckily enough includes me.
“So, how did your therapist session go?” she asks, glancing up at me innocently.
“It went like I thought it would; like it always does. He asks me questions; I do my best to avoid answering them.” I say with a sigh, eyes resolutely staring down at the mixing bowl and the whisk in my hand.
“Oh honey, you need to be open to the process. I know after last year, and what Alex did, you don’t want to relive it, but you need to go through it.”
Alex. Just hearing his name makes me feel rage and despair all at the same time. He was supposed to be the one, the guy that was going to be my happily forever after. We built a life together, and then all in one swift moment it all came crashing down like a house of cards.
“I don’t really want to talk about him,” I say, hastily trying to change the subject.
“Well too bad, we’re going to,” she insists. “You need to move on from that asshole; I get he broke your heart, but you can’t let him hold this influenceover your life forever Daniel. He’s already hurt you enough.”
In my mind, I know she’s right, but my heart still won’t accept it. How do you get over finding the love of your life in your bed with another man?
“Why don’t you try that website your therapist told you about? Maybe you can find someone who gets what you’ve been through. With Alex and...after that,” she says softly.
“Yeah maybe, I dunno. It just feels weird.”
“Seriously Daniel, you need to try to be happy again. You know we are both here for you, but we want our little ray of sunshine back! You can’t keep living like this.”
“You know what, I think I’m feeling pretty tired from today. I’m going to head to bed early.” I say, hastily tossing the whisk back and stepping away towards my room.
“Daniel, please. We just want to help you be happy again; just let us in.”
“I’m fine, don’t worry about me,” I say, rushing behind the bedroom door and closing it firmly then dropping to my bed.
I curl into a ball, holding myself tight. Part of me wants to sob, knowing that they’re right. I’m not happy and I haven’t been in a long time. Another part of me is angry at myself for being weak and showing them that I couldn’t take care of myself.
There is also that quiet voice inside my head telling me that I’m not worth it, and why do I keep trying when it would be so much easier to just give up. That voice comes and goes, and when I let it control my actions bad things happen. Last year was horrible, and the voice was fully in charge then.
I sit up, forcing myself to stop dwelling on it and ignore the voice. I grab my laptop and bring up the website they all want me to sign up for, www.mindsupport.com. The homepage has flashy graphics and talks about being there to support one another with mental health, so basically the same corny lines that the therapist throws out each session. At this point, I already know this site is a waste of time. I might as well just sign up so I can tell them all I did it and get them off my back.
I make an account with the usernamemindovermatterand start navigating the site. There’s a forum where people post their stories, and there’s the typical tragic stories like“help me, I’m so stressed, I have exams, I’m broke, I don’t know what to do”.None of these people know what it’s actually like to have issues and not know where to turn or what to do. Theydon’t know the real feeling of helplessness and impotence when you feel trapped.
I bring up the create a post tool and write up a little about me blurb and my story. I might as well put something on here, otherwise Michael might call my bluff about signing up. Quickly writing it up I hit send, then slap my laptop shut.
I can feel the siren call of my bed and after today I need the sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
New Post by Mindovermatter:
19Sep2024 21:42
Hi,
I don’t even really know what to say here, so I guess I’ll just start by telling you about myself and my story. I’m an American and live in New York City. I’m twenty-four years old, a guy, gay, and latino. I wouldn’t say I’m hot stuff, but I also don’t think I’m bad looking either. I’m about 5’10”, 160 pounds, and very little to no muscles to show for those 160 pounds. I also suffer with depression, and because of this my therapist suggested I come here.
I grew up in the foster system, and being a gay kid in the foster system didn’t do me any favors. Most families didn’t want me, and I was bullied at every school I went to. I bounced from foster home to foster home until I aged out of the system, and then didn’t have a home. Luckily, I met some friends who helped me find a place, a minimum wage job, and took care of me. For the first time in my life, I felt appreciated and worth something.
With their support, I was able to get a better job. I started taking care of myself, doing the things I liked doing, and eventually I even thought I found love. I met this guy named Alex, and I thought he was perfect. He was quiet and calm, yet passionate and ferocious all at the same time. He had this way of building you up and making you feel like you were the most important thing in his life. He made me feel like I was special and loved and, at least for a while, I felt like I was worth something and that life was worth living.
That’s when things came crashing down, and I realized that I’d been living a lie. I came home after a year of us dating to find Alex in my bed with another guy. Some random he found off Grindr apparently, not that I really wanted to know that. He broke my heart and then left me. I discovered after the fact that he had been seeing guys behind my back for the entirety of our relationship. I guess I was his running joke, and he laughed about it with his friends. At least, that’s what one of his friends drunkenlytexted me after he left.
I went from feeling like I was the center of his life and valued, to realizing that I was nothing more than a booty call and a joke. Everything that made me feel valued and like life was worth living was taken away from me, and I spiraled into a deep depression.
