Page 31 of The Saviors: Part Two
I look up at Nolan. “Everything. I just got off the phone with Amber.” When I called her after I first got back, she was terrified and begging to see me. But since she doesn’t know about this house and Axel told me he didn’t want me at the townhouse right now, I had to tell her I’d see her soon. I’ve been ready to tell her and now feels like as good a time as any. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Something about telling her the ugly truth sends me into a panic. I know she would never judge me, but telling her about the guys didn’t feel like my secret to tell. We did talk about Sean’s therapy and my insecurities when I first met Mia. She’s about my height but petite. She has long, pretty strawberry-blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She’s gorgeous in a way that I’ve never felt. But none of the other guys even glanced her way unless they were being polite. After her first session with Sean, I knew she was the right one because she didn’t let his smart mouth deter her from her job. I instantly liked her after that.
“What did you guys talk about?”
“You mostly.”
He raises a dark brow. “Me?”
“Yeah. She knows about the other guys, but you’re…new.”
Nolan laughs. “New? I’ve been around.”
“The things I feel for you are new,” I say quietly, and his face changes when he realizes what I mean.
“And what do you feel for me?”
“A lot,” I breathe when his mouth moves closer to mine. We haven’t kissed since the day I kissed him in the car. Not that I haven’t wanted to, I just didn’t know how to approach that I wanted to do it again.
“Me too,” he whispers against my lips, then they’re on mine. Nolan’s kiss is much softer than the other guys until I push harder against his lips, begging him to take it further. With a quiet groan, he deepens the kiss, and I open for him automatically.
He slides his hand into my hair, careful not to push his body against mine. Frustration eats away at me, and I pull on his hip until he moves closer. He hooks his arm under my back and pulls until I’m lying flat on the bed. His body covers mine, and I can’t stop the needy moan from escaping my lips. This has been the closest I’ve been to one of them in almost two weeks. Nolan’s hand slides down my side, just letting his fingers brush the side of my breast, then I feel them on the skin of my stomach. Panic swells inside me, and I push against his chest. He sits up immediately. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take it that far.”
I roll off the bed, growling in frustration. “It’s not you. It’s one hundred percent my fucked up brain.”
He sits down on the side of the bed, watching me pace. “Why don’t you tell me what just happened?”
I rake my hand through my hair. “I was fine, and it felt amazing. Then just the thought of you seeing that,” I gesture to my chest, “freaked me out. I can still hear him in my head.”
“I understand. Even after all these years, I can still hear my dad telling me how disgusting I am because I like guys. I know it’s not the same, but I do get it.”
“I just want to feel like myself again.” I shake my head. “Or I’ll just live my life scarred, fat, and fucked up. Alone.” I turn around, head to the bathroom, and his voice stops me in my tracks.
“Stop.” I hear him walk up behind me, but I can’t turn around. “I hate what you went through, but I better never hear any of that bullshit come out of your mouth again.” He grabs my arm and gently turns me to face him. “Your scars don’t define who you are. They tell a story of the life you’ve lived and how strong you are that you came out on the other side. I don’t see anything when I look at you besides a strong, beautiful woman. I can’t dispute the fucked up part because you chose us, and we’re all a little fucked up.” A half laugh-half sob erupts from my chest. “Tell me what to do.”
I stare into his kind brown eyes and make a decision. “Please shut him up.”
Nolan nods, grabs my hand, and leads me back to the bed. We get settled side by side, facing each other. “If you want to stop, you stop me. Do you understand?” I nod. “Thank you for trusting me.”
I can’t explain why, but I feel more comfortable with Nolan. I know the other guys would go just as slow, but Nolan has a calming presence around him. Even when he’s bossing me around.
Nolan leans in slowly to kiss me again, and I wrap my arms around his neck, perfectly fine with this part. He kisses me until I’m pulling at him, silently hoping the voices stay quiet. When his hand goes to the bottom of my shirt, I pull away.
“Shhhh,” he soothes. “Focus on me.”
I take a shuddering breath. “Okay.”
His hand slides under my shirt and over my stomach, making me tense up. “Do you know how beautiful you are?” he says softly. “Every inch of you.” He massages my hip. “Here.” His hand moves up my ribcage. “Here.” Nolan moves his hand and brushes the bottom of my breast. “Here.” Brady’s voice rises up, but I fight him back down and focus on Nolan exploring my body. It’s almost like this is the first time. That thought makes me pause, and I pull back to look at him better.
“Are you a virgin?” He grins, and I laugh. “I mean, have you ever been with a woman? I know you’re not an all-around virgin.”
He chuckles at that. “I’ve been with a girl before, but we were both young.”
“You’re still young.”
He gives me a dry look. “Younger. It was before I finally came to grips with the fact that I might not be entirely straight.” He’s using my distraction to move his hand higher on my breast, and I’m thankful for it.
“You didn’t try again after?” I say breathlessly when he massages it.
He shakes his head. “No. I preferred guys.”
