Page 33 of Ashfall
Barely a word’s been spoken between Noc and I since we left that alleyway. Four days of complete torture in the silence, something I never thought I’d say. It was always my solace. Anger I can deal with, but the quiet that encompasses the hurt between us is excruciating. He's spent most of his time in his office with Adam and Phantom, going over plans for tonight and ensuring every back up is accounted for. The equipment is all set at the door ready to be loaded in the cruiser, and Blitz has been packing ammunition in the back and carefully securing any explosives in the event we require heavy fire power. I'm currently wallowing in self-pity and fighting my stubborn side to give in and talk to Noc. I know it’s me who needs to make the first move, but I feel almost too ashamed to apologize.
He's been coming to bed and not saying a word, facing away from me, like he’s trying to shield me from the ice coldness he radiates from a distance through the day. Then I wake during the night and feel him pulling me close, and it gives nothing but warmth. We still don’t break our unwritten silent vow, and that makes me know how deeply my words had cut him. Then, in the mornings, I find he's gone, and the coldness is back in its place.
The sleep I've had since his return has been the best I've had in years, and I know it’s because he's there. That alone screams that I trust him, should kick me up the ass to shove aside my pride and apologize. But, I’m currently cemented to the sofa, leaning across the back of it as I shamelessly watch the guys train outside. Noc's showing them how he uses the Systema style, and Adam and Phantom are intensively listening as they try to mimic the movements and incorporate what they can into their current fighting styles.
The sofa dips as Blitz settles next to me, placing a bowl of popcorn on the cushion between us, tapping the ceramic edge for me to take some. “Enjoying the show?” she asks, a hint of amusement in her tone.Caught. A dull laugh passes my lips.
“Funny, what's your excuse?” I snatch a handful of the puffed-out kernels and shove them into my mouth - I've missed these little delicacies. “I’m in need of some entertainment, and you looked like you could use the company. You’re like a puppy pining after its master. Just fucking talk to him.”
The groan that frees itself from my throat is muffled as I try to swallow down the unnecessary amount of popcorn I've rammed into my mouth. Blitz laughs, “Chew ya animal, and stop trying to inhale it to avoid speaking.” One of Blitz other talents apart from being able to fully assess every aspect of the structure of a building is to read people, and she reads well.
“I don't even know what to say, Blitz. ‘Hey, sorry for saying I don't trust you, I was angry seeing the role you’ve been playing. However, I know you risked life and limb to protect me, so I hope my shitty words show my appreciation. Please forgive me.’” I roll my eyes at her. “That’s not gonna cut it. I know Noc, probably more so now as I’ve mulled everything over. I've fucked up big time.”
I glance out the window and catch him staring back, even though the glass is coated darker from the outside, he alwaysseems to know exactly where I am. We’re magnetic, always being drawn to each other.
“Don’t keep words hidden that might not have a chance to be revealed tomorrow.” Blitz says in a low voice. I look at her and find her absentmindedly staring out the window, as the weight of her words bear down on my shoulders. “You shouldn't wait, Nyx. Not with how our lives are panned out. We live on borrowed time, each time we head out into the field could be our last. Speak to him.”
She gives me a sad smile, and I know she's right, she always is. “I hate your wisdom sometimes. I prefer when you say things that make me think you’d have been a perfect candidate for lobotomy.” She cackles a laugh, snatching the bowl back to her.
“Mother nature tested the balances of life with me. Now go.” she says.
“Okay,” I breathe, pushing back to stand as I wipe my sweaty, nervous hands down my bare legs. “I’m gonna head up and shower, see if the water can baptize me with some strength.” I laugh at my own excuse to delay the inevitable. She looks up at me, a wicked smile now taking over her face.
“Yeah you probably should, gotta look your best for when we take this asshole down later too.”
I head up to Noc’s hidden en-suite. It’s so heavenly here, anytime I step foot inside, I never want to leave. I head straight for the rainfall shower and strip out of Noc’s shirt and open the black glass doors, stepping in and turning it on. Letting the large angular block unleash the cold water over me, it’s like standing in the middle of a downpour in a forest; it soothes the battle raging inside my head, the water gradually heating up and drawing steam around me.
Awareness prickles over my skin, and I already know who the presence belongs to. I’m deathly still and hold my breath as I hear the door softly click behind me, still not brave enough toturn round. The only courage I muster allows me to glance at the darkened windows, and I’m trapped by his stormy eyes holding my stare before the steam fades them away. It takes me back to the club, when I forced myself to daringly look at him through the windows. His hands snake my waist, creating a burning trail up to my ribs before making their way back down, the sensation causing my breathing to hitch and my skin turns fiery against the water. His touch alone gives me the force I need to turn in his arms to face him. My heart and ovaries curse me for staying away from this godly forbidden human that towers above me.
His features are tender as he takes me in, but we’re still in that showdown of who's going to speak first. He’s waiting for me to open up to him, because he's tried his best to show me I can trust him, and he's run out of ways to prove it, needing me to reach a decision on my own. I place my hands on his inked chest, and he visibly relaxes beneath my touch when I speak. ''I’m sorry, Lev.'' I peek up at his eyes, needing him to know and taking Blitz earlier advice. He takes my hand as I cup it against his cheek, pulling it away so he can kiss the scar on my wrist.
“Do you trust me?” his tone is laced with need, and my body instantly laches to the pull.
“Yes.” The word comes out so husky I don’t even recognize it belongs to me. He walks me backwards until my ass hits the cold window, causing a shiver to wrack my spine.
“Do you trust me with your mind?” His hand trails painfully slow down my hip, around the curve of my ass then gliding to the back of my thigh, stopping until I speak again.
“Yes.” He tugs my leg up so that it rests against his hip.
“With your heart?” His other hand reaches between us, sliding the head of his cock up and down my wet slit.
I can't help the moan that climbs its way up my throat, when I don't answer from being lost in how aroused I am, he slaps it against me in warning.
“Yes.” My voice is strangled in need. Leisurely and agonizingly, he slides into me, forcing me up on my tiptoes as he grips my ass to him, so we're flushed together.
“With your soul?” Noc’s voice has lowered to a thunderous bass. I'm completely damned for this man in my arms.
I nod, it's all I can manage. My voice can't seem to find any words as they are constricted with emotion, the love I have for him is so inescapable, I can't comprehend how I lasted this long without him, never mind my foolish behavior the last four days. “Your words, Malyshka. I need you to use your words for me baby.”
Heaven almighty, please save me.
He starts to withdraw, and that jumpstarts my brain into functioning again. “Yes! I trust you Lev, with everything that I am. Vsegdá, moya lyubov'.” The sinful smile that widens across his face at my words, his eyes speak nothing but pure obsession, and I know I'm about to be devoured. I took the time we were apart to learn something other than battlefield vocabulary, ones I could use for our own trenches.
That would mean something to him.
I bind my arms around his neck as our lips collide to claim us. He grips underneath my thigh firmly as he moves like it’s the last thing he'll ever do on earth, my leg coiling tightly around him so that he never lets go, that we never have to escape this moment. I reluctantly break from his kiss, just so I can stare into my favorite color of oceanic eyes. I don't care if anyone can hear us, I'm lost in the enchantment only he can pull me under. And I don't ever want to come up.
Not for air. Not for life. Not for anyone.
