Page 62 of Casper
She trailed her fingers gently over my abdomen. My gunshot wound was pretty well healed. Other than some soreness if I moved too quickly, I was feeling much better. The doctor had told me to take it easy for a few more weeks. No vigorous gym activity, although he had cleared me for intimacy.
“Maybe we can pass the time waiting for the food doing something more enjoyable. I think there’s a reason this movie never made it to theaters.” Luna held my face with a hand, pulling me in for a kiss.
She ran her tongue along my bottom lip before sucking it into her mouth. Every part of me wanted what she wanted. Yet I still resisted.
Feeling like a jerk, I signed, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It might still be too soon. I don’t want to rush anything. I would hate to make things worse for you.”
This wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation. Luna had been eager for intimacy since my last check up when the doctor said it was fine. Except it wasn’t fine. Not after what Jace had done to her.
She pushed into a sitting position, pulling away from me. “I think it’s up to me if it’s too soon or not. I want to be with you. Do you not want me? Am I tainted now or something?”
“Of course not. I will always want you. But I worry that you’re trying to use sex to cope. The last thing I want is to do anything to make you relive that trauma.” I truly did worry about her. Didn’t she see that?
“Is that really it?” she asked, eyeing me curiously. “Or is it because you can’t look at me without seeing Jace?”
Maybe that was part of it. Not a day had gone by when I didn’t relive the moment he’d forced her down beneath him. What if I did something to take her back to that place while she was with me? I didn’t want to risk it.
“It’s because I want you to take all the time you need to heal first. I worry about you.”
Luna watched my hands move as I communicated my feelings, her frown deepening. I noticed how she absently traced the letters of her tattoo. Something she seemed to do without thought. “I’m ready for this, Casper. I need it. I need you to cleanse him from me. To take away his touch and replace it with yours. Don’t you understand?”
On some level, I did understand. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. The thought of being inside her and sending her into a panic attack or having her fight me off was too much.
“Flower, there’s nothing more I want than to chase away his touch. The timing has to be right for both of us.” I gently drew her back down against me, wrapping her in my arms.
Luna felt stiff in my embrace at first. Gradually, she relaxed against me. Her finger tickled my arm as she traced the many tattoos inked into my skin. “I’m ready now. I know that you’re afraid after seeing what he did to me. And I love you for that. It means a lot to me that you’re not trying to rush it, but I don’t want to wait forever.”
I didn’t want to wait forever either. This adorable little fairy had become my entire world. Protecting her still meant more to me than anything else. That’s what I was doing.
Capturing her chin in my hand, I tipped her head up so she could see my grin. Raising my hands so she could see them, I signed, “Trust me. You won’t have to wait that long.”
A soft smile crossed her face. She studied me for a moment before asking, “Do you think you’ll ever speak again? Not trying to put you on the spot or anything. I’m just curious. You shouted my name. I almost thought I was imagining it.”
I didn’t blame her for wondering. I wondered that myself all the time. There had been a time in my early teens when I’d sat alone in my room, trying to force words out. There seemed to be a disconnect between my brain and my voice. It wouldn’t happen.
Watching Luna suffer had done something. Something inside me had snapped, and her name burst free. It felt rough, like I spoke with gravel in my throat. My voice had been hoarse and raspy. I’d often wondered what it would sound like now as an adult.
“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly. “It’s been a long time since I’ve tried. Back then it felt almost impossible. Like I’d been silent for so long the words would no longer come. When I saw him hurt you, your name burst out. I had no control.”
She held my face as she kissed me. “As much as I would love to hear you say my name again under much better circumstances, there’s no pressure from me. I love you no matter what.”
Not once had Luna made me feel inferior or pressured because I didn’t speak. She was special that way. Accepting of everyone. A very come as you are attitude. She made it so easy to love her.
While we waited for our Chinese food to arrive, we pressed closer together. Needing to feel one another. Simply holding her put so many of my broken pieces back in place. I knew we were far from healed. If every moment of holding her in my arms put us both back together even a little bit, I would never stop.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
LUNA
“Wow, Luna, check out these boots. They look like something you would wear.” Athena held up bright turquoise ankle boots with decorative buckles.
Drawn by the color, I gravitated over to where she stood in front of a wall of footwear. Taking a boot, I turned it around in my hand, examining it from every angle. “These are pretty cute. I would definitely wear them.”
Storm, Codie, and Ripley browsed on the other side of the store. We’d decided to treat ourselves to a day of shopping as a group. The girls thought I could use the day out. They were right.
It had been over a month now since the night Jace turned our lives upside down. The holidays were upon us. Casper had been doing better with his therapy visits. Making a genuine effort. I understood that it wasn’t easy, especially in the beginning. My own therapist had been helping me with coping skills. I still struggled to sleep some nights. I trusted that would also get better in time.
“I think I need to buy this skirt.” Athena held up a short black plaid skirt. “Tell me that it’s okay to put this on my credit card.”
