Page 50 of Not Falling for the Forward
I sigh through my nose as I run my hand through my hair and lean back against my chair. “Em,” I choke.
“This can’t be more than it is right now.” I don’t even have my eyes open, but the pain in her voice I enough to crack my heart. “I’m sorry.” Her voice cracks, “I just—” she takes a deep breath, in through her nose and out through her mouth. I turn my head towards her. She is staring out the wind shield, her shoulders slumped. She fiddles with the keys in her hand. “I just don’t think I can give you what you need.”
***
Emily
There, I said it. The thing that has been running through my mind for the past few weeks. The weeks where he said he just wanted to get to know me, and in doing so, has mademeget to knowhim.And everything I have learned, I really fucking like.
He is kind and so fucking generous, not just to me but to strangers. He’s always happy to take a photo and chat to a fan. He is polite to service staff and leaves stupid tips because it’s basically spare change to him. He laughs with his whole body, not all the time, but I know exactly what makes him double over. He would do anything for the people he cares about, and the way he was looking at me tonight gaveme a horrible feeling that I am becoming one of those people. It was never supposed to go this far.
He is so open and honest with his feelings, he deserves to know how I feel. That I am guarded. Broken. That I will not let that guard down for anyone, I can’t. I can’t allow someone that kind of power over me again.
He wants dates and to spoil me and to care for me and to what? For me to become his girlfriend. Then what? We move in, I become his fiancée, and he decides he wants to fuck an accountant he works with, and I’ve wasted another eight years of my life. No. Not again.
Better that I end it now and he leaves before we both get in too deep. I know it’s the best thing for both of us if I push him away now, so why does my chest hurt my chest to think about doing it?
“What do you mean?” Jack has turned so his full body faces me. He reaches out a hand as if to touch me, but he pulls it back before he does.
Be brave.
I turn to face him fully. The understanding in his eyes is enough to finally make the damn burst and I let the tears fall from my eyes. Big warm hands cup my cheeks as he wipes them away with his thumbs.
“Shhh,” he says, “just talk to me.”
A shuddering breath leaves my body, “I can’t let anyone in like that again, Jack. It’s safer for me this way. What you said tonight, it freaked me out. I wasn’t expecting to like you like this, you were supposed to be a rebound. You weren’t supposed to want to build a foundation for some kind of future.” I huff a laugh. “You weren’t supposed to take care of me and make me feel like I could have fun and be myself again. You were supposed to give me enough orgasms that I forgot how to breathe and so I had a story to tell the girls, about that time I was seeing a famous person.”
His forehead meets mine and he takes a deep breath. We sit like that for a while, whilst he slowly wipes each tear with his thumbs as they fall.
“What happens after the orgasms?” he asks.
Another small laugh escapes me, “You leave and move on like everyone else. I’m sure there’s a hundred women you can move on with.”
He sighs through his nose. “Is that what you want?” His voice has gone deep. “You want me to fuck you until you forget who you are? Where you are?” He shakes his head against mine, “You want to forget what he did to break your perfect heart?” He places his palm flat on my chest, right over that pesky organ.
I feel my head move at its own accord, a small nod.
He’s on me in a second. His lips crush against mine and I am pushed up against the door of the car. A gasp escapes my mouth as he moves to my neck, kissing, exploring. His hands do the same, they are everywhere, cupping my breasts, along my thighs, one works underneath me to squeeze my ass. He is rough and strong. Exactly what I need.
His lips clash with mine again, I open and he groans as his tongue slides in. My hands twist into his hair, pulling him towards me more. I don’t want this to stop. I don’t ever want to stop kissing him.
Too quickly, he pulls back. His chest heaving, his gaze roams slowly from my face to my chest where my top is low enough to show more than enough cleavage. His tongue skirts over his lips as he wets them. He takes me in, slowly, almost greedily his gaze comes back up to meet mine. His eyes are on fire as he looks at me.
“Not until you trust me.” I almost don’t register what he has said, until his weight leaves mine and he slides back over to his side of the car. His gaze doesn’t leave my body as he reaches down and readjusts his trousers, an obvious outline of the evidence of how much he wants me clear.
I adjust my own clothes sitting up straight again. I am panting. Fuck, he’s a good kisser. “What?” I ask as what he said runs through my mind.
“When you trust me enough to let me in. That’s when I’ll fuck you how you need it. How you deserve.” He offers me a cocky grin.
“That’s never going to happen.”
“Shame.” He has the audacity to wink.
I scoff and roll my eyes at him. I reach for my handbag that fell into the footwell at some point while he jumped me. A big hand grasps my arm and I turn to be met with Jack’s intense gaze studying me. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Weird, that’s what Chris used to say. Wonder where he got to?” I deadpan and look around as if searching for him.
“We’re not all like that prick, Em.”
