Page 145 of Degradation
‘Yeah.’ I wrap my little finger around hers and shake it.
‘John knows nothing,’ I reiterate, and she nods solemnly.
‘For what it's worth,’ she says quietly, ‘I'm sorry. I didn't want to do it. But I'm scared, Jack. I’m...’ she looks down, ‘One foot wrong. That’s all it takes, and I'm gone. It's like walking on eggshells, knowing that at the end of the path there's a cliff, and no matter what, I’m going to fall down it unless I get myself off it.’
I put my hand on her shoulder and squeeze it gently. I don't like seeing her like this. I don't like knowing that she's so upset. I don't like that she's scared all the time because of my father.
‘There's things that... If we go on with this and you still want in, I mean... There's things that you're going to learn, and you're going to need to keep your mouth shut.’
‘I understand,’ she says.
‘No, you don't, but you will. You're going to need to be able to hold your own. The people that we deal with... If they sense weakness...’
She glances at me and her lip quirks upwards. ‘So, basically, a world of John Novelles, then?’
I chuckle, almost in spite of myself. ‘I guess so.’
She nods thoughtfully. ‘I'll do what I have to do. I told you. I don't want your father to decide my life.’
She’s quiet for a moment before she looks up at me. ‘Are the others very angry with me?’
‘No, not really. I think they want to be, but they can’t quite get there. They’re sort of just excited to start making it.’
‘Not here, right?’ she asks, clearly a bit scandalized that we might try to create our drug under the very noses of the administration.
I chuckle. ‘No, we have a space all ready to go. I’ll take you there soon but, Marguerite…’
She tilts her head at me.
‘This isn’t a game. The truth is it’s serious as fuck. You can’t tell anyone anything, not even Lu.’
I don't tell her any of the specifics, about the time constraints or Sauvage. I don't want her to know how close our necks are to the cutting block. The truth is, next month me and my friends might be hanging under a local bridge somewhere without her.
She’s solemn as she nods. ‘I get it.’
‘Are you ready for tonight?’
She looks down at her shirt and jeans like I’m nuts. ‘No. Of course not.’
I roll my eyes. ‘I mean mentally, Daisy. Are you prepared for him and his bullshit?’
‘I, uh...’ She looks back down at her figures.
It’s not the formula itself, but she doesn't even try to hide them from me, and from what I can see, the numbers do look very promising.
‘I don't think that anyone can truly be prepared for John Novelle,’ she murmurs. ‘It's best not to think about it. Otherwise, I'll get myself into a state, and he always knows when I'm in a state. He could always tell when I was close to an outburst, couldn’t he? Knew what buttons to push and when?’
‘I remember,’ I say quietly. ‘I miss her.’
‘Me too, though, I suppose in a different way, since I didn't have her for so long. I was jealous at the beginning,’ she admits. ‘But now that we're friends again, I'm glad you had her, and I'm glad that she had you. I'll bet you guys had some fun together, huh?’
I smile a little. ‘Yeah,’ I say quietly, ‘we had some fun together. She was a good mom.’
Daisy turns away, and I know she's hiding her wince.
‘I don't know why she never visited you,’ I say. ‘I don't know why she never called.’
She shrugs. ‘It doesn't matter now. It's over.’
