Page 53 of Petals of Blue: Part Two
"Violet," Janine says softly. "We're all here. We're watching and will monitor you too. You also went through something incredibly traumatic. Don't think you can hide from us."
Silently cursing, I feel some of my crappy walls begin to disintegrate as tears spill over my eyelashes. I really thought I had cried all my tears, and I never thought Janine would be the one to pull them out again. She's not one for feelings, yet she saw right through my terrible masking abilities.
I'm worried she might be right. With all the people in my life who care about me, there's no way I'll be able to get away with stuffing my feelings in a box and tossing them in a lake.
After hearing about how Blue did that, and just kept pushing through, I was mad. How could she do that to herself?
I should be mad at myself too. And I am, but I also understand it now. It sounds appealing to ignore the negative ick inside and just be what everyone needs me to be.
How do I do that without drawing attention?CanI do that is the real question.
I'm a happy person. Someone who embraces the wild unpredictability of life. I don't think I can be like Blue.
I'll need to find another way to shield her from the guilt that's wrapping around my soul.
Thirty-Eight
BLUE
I'm fucking out of here!
If I could squeal without hurting myself or Felix pinching my lips together, I would. Christ, it feels good to think about something other than imminent death.
"You okay, Blue?" Roman murmurs, leaning into me. He's careful not to touch me, which I've noticed the other three have gotten over pretty quickly.
Roman is gentle and maybe a little too worried about pressing on a random bruise, so I grab his hand then nestle it between mine and my cold thigh. The leggings Dakota brought for me are comfortable, but I'm struggling to stay warm.
It's the third morning after waking up in the hospital. The one I've been waiting for. Doctor Jim, who I learned is Felix's uncle, suggested I stay an extra twenty-four hours to ensure the trajectory of my recovery. I was slightly peeved about everyone agreeing, but relented in the end.
My head still hurts, as does my throat. I have to move slowly for quite a few different reasons, but I'm hopeful that by the end of the week, I'll start to feel better. Jim told me two or three weeks might be more realistic for my ribs, concussion, and sore throat, but I'm ignoring him.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm going home, so that means I'm already better.
"Blue?"
Looking up at Roman, I realize I had been zoning out on his hand. I know they're worried about how much I've been staring off into space, but I can't help it. There's so much to think about now that I know I have a future again.
"I asked if you were okay," Rome murmurs, turning towards me a little more. Felix and Declan are in the front seats and Jared is in one of the middle seats. All three have turned to look at me.
In the far back of the big SUV, I'm comfortable and surrounded. I feel safe, so I nod as my answer. Even smile for them all the while my forehead pounds.
The worst part about all the shit my body has been through is how tired I am. I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep on the drive back to Chicago, but we'll see. Visitors, pain, and bad dreams have broken the rest I've gotten. Honestly, I'd rather have memory dreams again than the nightmares I've been experiencing.
Jared reaches back and brushes his fingers along my calf. "You sure, Bee?"
I bite the inside of my cheek when he touches aparticularly deep scrape and nod. "Good," I whisper, avoiding Felix's narrowed gaze. "H-home, please."
Felix turns around and shifts the gear into drive. A breath of relief immediately whooshes out of me. The total happiness of leaving the godforsaken place in the rearview mirror is heady and keeps me awake for the first hour of the drive.
I continue looking out all the windows, partly out of anxiousness, even though I know Clarence is dead. Also, because I wasn't sure I'd see the world again. Really, I thought I would die in that shed. Then I thought I'd die in a puddle of mud with sunflowers bowing their heads above me.
The guys carry on quiet conversations about work and what their week will look like. I learn they took time off to search for me, and for some reason, that feels hard to comprehend. It doesn't fit with the anger I have toward them.
My friends, Jared's parents, and Violet have all mentioned something about the effort the men put into finding me. They must have agreed I wasn't ready to hear them all gush about the amazingness that is the four of them, because it was only quick comments.
Giving my statement to the officers the other morning was incredibly odd. It made me realize how much I don't know about what happened to me. Unnerved was how I felt when I couldn't remember anything about being transported from the theater to the middle of fucking nowhere.
These missing pockets of time are what keep me up at night. It's like my mind is trying to fill the emptyspaces with the worst possible options. I even asked the guys to leave so I could request a vaginal exam.
