Page 9 of Petals of Blue: Part Two
Providing information she thought would be useful was her way of helping, and all I did was hate on it. Blue would have bashed my fingers into pancakes with her water bottle if she had been there.
Janine was eyeing up the block of knives in Blue's kitchen, and Violet was looking at me as if she were scared. I can't even remember if I apologized;that'show fucked up my head is right now.
I think around the time I realized what a dick I wasbeing was when my mom called me. Relaying the terrifying turn of events to the woman who raised me and loves Blue will go down as one of the hardest ten minutes of my life.
Hearing my mom cry through the phone and my dad's alarmed voice in the background shattered something inside of me. Once again, I let everyone down.
How do I keep letting everyone down?!
I'm supposed to be the respectable one. For fuck’s sake, I teach kidsmath! I'm smarter than this. That's what I keep telling myself, but it doesn't seem to be true.
I'm losing it. I've been losing it since last night. Since Blue was taken from me. The thing about so many people loving and caring about the woman I love is that they rapidly take up space I need for my feelings.
I barely have capacity for my own struggles right now, and somehow we've found ourselves at the fucking center for information and referral. Some-fucking-how we became literallyeveryone'spoint of contact.
Christ, how did we become Human Resources?
How am I supposed to manage my own shit along with my three best friends, Violet, my parents, my sister, Blue's three girl friends, her two guy friends, and her coworkers?!
Bethany, Dakota, and Janine wereonething. Their tears and plotting were only marginally welcome once I stuffed my numb face. They are probably the only people acting fucking normally.
Then my parents frantically questioned me. After that, there were unknown numbers calling Felix, whoended up being staff members worried about Blue missing her shift tonight.
We're barely holding our shit together.
Yeah, I'm aware I'm being a dick. But the cracks are getting bigger and bigger.
Of course, a jacked fucking douchebag bangs open Blue's front door and shatters any and all illusion of control I have.
Levi barrels toward the biggest guy in the room, his face red and eyes flaring. "You!" he shouts, pointing a finger at Roman with so much disbelief and emotion radiating from him. "You said you were going to look out for her! Protect her! Where the fuck were you?!"
"Levi!" Violet gasps and recoils from the male dominance sucking the air from the room.
Something inside of me sparks to life in a horrifying inferno I'm not prepared for. My hands curl in response to the threat toward my friend. Levi's muscular size makes my jaw clench. But it's his uninvited presence in my woman's home that breaks the leash on the beast inside me.
One I didn't even know existed.
Before I even know what's happening, I'm rushing forward with spittle flying from my mouth as I force myself to stay quiet. A twinge in my shoulder is the only recognition I have that my arm cocks back.
The following pain in my knuckles and blood splattering on Blue's couch is the only warning I get to tell me, once again,I've fucked up.
Seven
DECLAN
Depression. That's what Bethany said was wrong with me, and she might be right. Last night and all day today, I've been feeling stuck in this weird haze. The harder I try to crawl out of it, the further I sink.
The four of us have battled these kinds of feelings before, but this time is different. So many things are different now. We’re not wallowing in the what-ifs of our childish choices anymore; we're living with the repercussions.
Maybe if we had found Blue sooner or reached out to her so long ago, we wouldn't be in this situation. She wouldn't be missing, the police wouldn't be giving us vague answers, and she would be married to us.
Or maybe this was all meant to happen like some fucked up book about fate. But do we really need to be shown twice that life sucks without Blue Bennett? I say absolutely not because, believe me, we got it the first fucking time. We were amess.
That doesn't excuse the fact that we should have called her right after I jumped off that roof in college, but thatisour reason. A stupid one that stupid kids made.
I can't believe she's gone again. And this time, we can't reach her with a few taps of our thumbs. This time, our separation is not by choice.
Living this nightmare has heightened my emotions. Especially the self-loathing ones. My stress is through the roof, and I can barely keep any food down.
