Page 59 of Petals of Blue: Part Two
The guys and I haven't talked about much, and I don't really want to. My mind is a lot to unpack right now, and I'm happy for the space they're giving me. Maybe if I talk to Clara first, I can get some of my shit sorted before we hash everything out. I know we need to talk, especially about the role they played in saving me.
I'm scared to hear their side of the story. Their feelings for me will become very fucking real once I know the effort they put into my rescue. Am I ready for that? Ready for them and for this thing between us to grow?
Because I know without a doubt that once I listen to their point of view, our connectionwillgrow. Between kisses and cuddles, the physical is developing fast, because well,have you seen them? Plus, they're so gentle and intentional about where they touch. Like the small of my back, my upper thighs and behind my ear.
Our bodies are creating something between us first, and it's hard to comprehend after everything we've been through. But it's easier than forming a mental connection when there are so many issues running rampant in my mind.
I have a lot to work through before I let them explore my sanity and mental state.Yeah, I'll text Clara in the morning.
For now though, I'm just going to enjoy this time listening to Violet chatter away while I doze. She tells a pretty good story. The drama and angst with this one are off the charts.
Forty-Two
ROMAN
I'm not sure Declan, Felix, or Jared have noticed that Blue's exhaustion isn't normal anymore. It's been about five days since we got home. Eight since we found Blue.
I can still feel the mud sinking beneath my knees as I crash to the ground beside her lifeless body. At night I wake to the bangof gunfire behind me. I've begun to use the memory of her heartbeat to calm down by patting the rhythm on my chest.
Waking up with cold sweats because I can't tell what's real and what isn't hasn't been fun. Eventually, I realize that it was, in fact, real that we found Blue. That she's safe at home.
I would feel better if I were near her. Sleep seems to be my biggest issue, and I'm starting to wonder if she's struggling more than she's letting on as well.
We just got home from having another day at her apartment. Today we had to share her with Janine andDakota, which is fine, but I would have liked to have started some of the conversations we need to have.
Firstly, we need to discuss her mental health. The need to check in on her emotions and PTSD is strong, but it's hard when Felix still encourages her to talk as little as possible.
While I can appreciate his focus on her physical health, I'm starting to stress about what's going on inside her head.
I'm not the only one who has had to say her name a few times to get her attention when she's zoned out. Sometimes she goes pale randomly. I've even noticed her flinch away when someone comes up behind her too fast.
There are plenty of signs of her trauma affecting her day-to-day life.
Then there's the matter of talking about what happened. I know she's curious about what we did to get her back, but she's holding her questions back. Fear of what it could mean is my best guess about why she hasn't said anything.
If I know Blue like I think I do, she needs all the information before making a choice. She needs a level of control in all situations to feel secure and confident, so why the hell is she allowing Felix to silence her?
Unless thatisher control. I've heard her talk with her friends when Felix isn't there, but as soon as we're around she's quiet. Her body shows us how comfortable she's becoming, but there's still a big fucking wall up.
Blue Bennett is studiously choosing not to seekinformation because she doesn't want to deal with making an educated decision about us. I'd bet my fucking ass that womanknowsher heart will call out for us once her mind is allowed to be involved.
The Blue she's giving us is a shell, and annoyingly enough, we're enabling this avoidant behavior.
"We need to talk," I shout, slamming our back door closed. Felix was a few paces ahead of me, so he's the first one I grab and drag to the living room.
He grunts and shoves me off of him once we're in front of the couches. "What the hell is your problem?"
Jared's already sprawled out on the cushions, and Declan exits the bathroom with a frown.
"What's with the yelling?" my brother asks, eyeing me and his boyfriend like a fight is about to break out.
I won't fight even if I am acting uncharacteristically, but my patience is gone. "I have some things I need to say. Please sit so we can actually talk about all this shit."
"All what shit?" Felix growls, crossing his arms.
This is what I mean by avoidance. It's unhealthy as fuck, and I can't take it anymore. "Everything. We went through some horrible shit, Felix. So did Blue. We're not helping anyone by acting like nothing happened."
"Excuse—Believe me, I haven't fucking forgotten," Felix snaps. "Every time I look at her pretty face, I see her scarred eyebrow, her fading bruises, and the handprints around her damn neck!"
