Page 77 of Petals of Blue: Part Two
I shit you not, I bounce in my seat. "Yes! I'm so excited."
Nothing like good company and greasy goodness to alleviate my anxiety and quiet the deep thoughts.
"Alright. You've been fed, you've had a beer to calm your nerves, now spill."
I choke on my sip and stare at Clara with wide eyes. We've been chatting about my plans for my career and what hikes Violet hopes Clara will go on with her. "Um, what?"
Clara smiles and raises her eyebrows. "Honey, you're living in a house with four men who are in love with you. I'm old, not clueless."
"Clara!" I gasp. "You are not old."
"Shush, do not change the subject. How's it going living with them?"
I can't contain my smile. Clara is so fucking awesome and sassy, yet sweet and gentle all at once.
"One of those four men is your son," I remind her, taking another sip of my beverage for some courage. "Are you sure you want me to spill the tea?"
She waves her hand. "Just don't give me a heart attack. Now tell me, what has you all in a tizzy?"
"They've been so amazing," I begin without much thought.
"But?" she implores.
I shake my head. "That's just it. There is nobut. All four of them have been so good to me. They're thoughtful, respectful, and so sexy..." Clara laughs and I blush, mumbling an apology, "Sorry. It's just. Shouldn't I still be so angry? You know what happened when I moved in high school."
"You feel like you should still be mad."
Tracing the rim of my glass, I think about what she said and realize she didn't answer my question. "I'm asking if you think I should still be angry."
"Do you feel angry?"
That's easy. "No. We've had some good conversations about what happened and I—"Hmm, how do I say it?"I feel at peace with what happened."
"So you are no longer angry with them for abandoning you."
"No but?—"
She stops me. "I thought there weren't any buts.”
I narrow my eyes at her. "Shouldn't I be angry, Clara?"
"Says who?"
Why is she fighting me on this?"You know. Everyone will think I'm weak if I completely let them back in. Some people will judge me for not making them grovel enough."
"Who the fuck cares what anyone else thinks? Why doyoucare, Blue? You're one of the strongest women I know. You know your mind and your feelings better than anyone else does. You said you aren't angry, and that's that."
I don't have anything to say to that because she's right. I'm surprised she swore, but I needed the tough love. Why have I been so caught up in what someoneelse would do? Or expect me to do when I already know the answer for myself?
"Howdoyou feel if you aren't angry, honey?" Clara prods, softening her tone, effectively bringing my walls down.
My eyesight blurs as I drop my gaze. Chewing the inside of my cheek is another bad habit, but I do it anyway because I'm afraid to say it out loud. Clara's warm hand grabs mine, and the words come out with a relieved sigh. "I'm falling in love with them."
"Good." Clara's beaming when I look up at her. "I'm proud of you for acknowledging your feelings. They are powerful, and the positive ones can be a great guide for you to follow."
"What do you mean?" She's talking like I would imagine a therapist would. Actually, thinking back, I realize she just used her therapy tactics on me. Flipping my questions right back at me and making me think.
She just showed me I have all the answers I need.
