Page 21 of Blood of the Fallen
I nodded. “It is.”
She seemed to exhale in relief as if she’d expected it to still be there, holding me back, preventing me from being whole.
“Good.” Without another word, she turned and walked away, leaving me feeling oddly empty.
I didn’t know exactly what I’d been expecting from her, but maybe it was more than just a businesslike reaction to what was the most life-changing event of my existence. It seemed all she cared about was my readiness to perform in her stupid trials.
And if that was the case, she had nothing to worry about. I would fight to become the triad’s alpha. I had a score to settle with the Academy and being the leader of the powerful trio gave me the best chance at accomplishing my goal.
CHAPTER 8
Thenextdayaftera spotty night of sleep, I was sitting in Ila’s tent, a heavy pelt wrapped around my body as I tried not to shiver. It was midday, and the sun was warm and inviting outside, but the beautiful spring weather seemed to have no effect on me.
Ila pushed through the door flap, carrying several clay jars in her arms. She’d gone out to work on making healing salves, and it seemed she was done.
As she set them down on a set of shelves set up in one corner of the tent, she turned her attention to me. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” I said, which wasn’t entirely a lie.
Physically, I felt all right, healthy, and aware of my strength in a way that I’d never been. But my body wasn’t the problem. It was my mind. I was broken, and I was deluding myself thinking I could ever win the trials.
Despite my best intentions, all the things I’d endured played inside my head, awful images flashed randomly when I least expected them. My friends’ rigid corpses landing on me, their clammy, cold skin slapping against mine. The guards chasing me. Val’s finger flying through the air as I pulled the sword back from his grip. Scorching flames melting my skin off. Horrible pain as my body broke free from the coda’s magic. And worst of all, everything mixed together like the clammy touch of the corpses turning to lapping flames. The agony of burning alive morphing into the pain of my body shifting for the first time. It was enough to drive anyone crazy, and I feared that was exactly what was happening to me.
Ila watched me with care, her eyes so inquisitive I felt that she could see right through me.
“I’ll make you something that will help,” she announced, then set to work putting some sort of dry leaves in a clay cup and pouring hot water on them. After a few minutes of steeping, she removed the leaves with a wooden spoon, then mixed in one of Bethel’s honeycombs.
She thrust the cup in my direction. “Drink.”
I took the cup from her and cradled it in my hands, enjoying its warmth. I sipped slowly, expecting the bitterness from her previous tea, but this one was mild and delicious.
“Hmm, thank you,” I mumbled.
She sat cross-legged in front of me. “Do you want to talk about it? It might help.”
I blinked up at her, taken aback by the question. I had never been the kind to share this kind of thing. At the Academy, it would’ve been a sign of weakness. We were never encouraged to talk about our feelings. In fact, we had exercises that taught us to project strength because succumbing to our feelings would only make things worse. I had to assume that, like all their other lessons, this was also bullshit, and I shouldn’t follow the advice.
I fought against the embedded need to bottle everything in and nodded.
Ila smiled gently, looking a bit surprised by my willingness to talk. “You have my undivided attention.”
I scratched at the clay cup with my fingernail, trying to figure out where to start. I had never told anyone what had happened the night I escaped from Lux Academy.
“Um…” I started haltingly, “the night that Kall, Maki, and Novuk came to Lux City to bring me here was the night of the Reaping. The initiates who were to become apprentices were… separated from those who would be rejected. They put on a big banquet to say goodbye and pretend they were sending us away to a new life, but it was a lie.” As I went, the words flowed more easily.
“They gave us something in our drink. I suspected it and didn’t touch it, then played along as my peers started walking in a trance. They guided us to a hot spring that runs under the Academy. I didn’t even know it existed. Then they had everyone pick up a dagger and… slit their wrists.”
Ila gasped, pressing a hand to her mouth, her eyes so wide they showed white all around.
“I played along like a coward,” I added.
“No, don’t say that.” She shook her head. “I’m sure you would’ve done something if it’d been possible.”
“I don’t mean to be rude, Ila, but you don’t really know me, so how can you be so sure about that?”
“Idoknow you,” she protested. “You always had a big heart, and I can tell it’s still there. You gave yourself away to save Nirliq. I don’t need any more proof.”
I opened my mouth to argue, then realized it was useless. She was looking at me with what seemed to be…
