Page 45 of Before We Break Again
It’s strange to hear this, he didn’t even ask for a kiss?That’s so unlike him, but then again ... “He probably thinks he doesn’t deserve them—cuddles or kisses or ...any form of affection,” I mutter, knowing all too well the way Dustin thinks.
That man has a skewed definition of what he deserves, like love is something you have to be deserving of or be enough.And I haven’t exactly done much over the years to convince him otherwise, to show him that he’s worthy of love—our love.It’s not like I’ve been a prick, but I have us in the fucking closet.
I want to say he does deserve it, but the truth is, with my actions, I haven’t been very convincing.Not to him.Not even to myself.
My gaze falls on Halsey, and for a moment, all I can see is her hazel eyes, shimmering.Today, the brown freckles in them seem to glow like pieces of gold, tiny stars scattered across an endless sky.Each time I look at her, it feels like I’m seeing her for the first time—really seeing her, in ways I forgot were possible.
“How long are you staying?”I ask gently, not wanting to push her, but needing to know where we stand.
She shrugs, uncertain.“Hals, I don’t want to impose, or anything.I’ll take these five minutes with you.They’re plenty, more than enough.I get it, you have a life, and things with us are?—”
“Things with us were perfect until our parents, mainly mine, destroyed everything,” she cuts in, her voice hardening.“Dr.Aldridge offered me a job in Baker’s Creek, and even though I want to say yes, I’m not sure how things will look after.”
“You don’t have to uproot your life for me?—”
“Can I finish talking, please?”she interrupts again, but this time, she softens, pressing a gentle kiss to my cheek.
I raise my hands in surrender.“I’ll be quiet.”
“As I was saying,” she continues, “your recovery will take six to nine months—a year, tops.”She pauses, and I can feel the tension rise in my chest.That time frame doesn’t sit well with me.I want this fixed by the end of the month, not next year.But I bite back the frustration, keeping my mouth shut as promised.
“If I move to Baker’s Creek and you come back to Portland ...what’s going to happen to us?Dusty lives in Los Angeles.”Her voice dips, revealing the worry beneath her calm.“Long-distance relationships aren’t ideal.”
“I’ll be traveling with the team,” I remind her, trying to offer some reassurance.
“Yes, but wouldn’t it be easier if you came home and we’re there?Versus seeing us maybe on the weekends?A four-hour drive is out of the question, especially during winter.”Her words are laced with practicality, the kind that cuts through all the romantic notions with sharp, undeniable truth.“And then, there’s Dusty.”
“Dusty owns his time.He’d make it work,” I say, knowing he would.But then it hits me.“You’ve been thinking a lot.”
“Of course I have,” she replies, her voice soft but sure.
“What if this—us—doesn’t work?”I say, because she seems to believe that even after all this time things between us can still happen.
She pauses, her fingers lightly tapping against my chest, as if syncing her touch with the rhythm of my heartbeat.“Sure, we don’t know each other right now, not really.But there’s love.And that’s a start.We’ll make this work.”
Her optimism should reassure me, but there’s a heaviness in my heart that won’t lift.“You say that now,” I murmur, “but there’s a lot going on between Dustin and me.I can’t just suddenly come out of the closet.It’s ...”
“I know.You have to work on that.He doesn’t deserve to be hidden, and neither do I.If and when we decide to really be together, it’s the three of us.And you’ll have to be ready to accept it in front of everyone.”
I swallow hard, reality hitting me full force.“People might judge you for being with two men.”
She shrugs.“They’ll probably be jealous that I’m loved by two incredible men.Two men who protect me, who care for me, who I love back with every part of me.Let them judge.I have something real, something rare, and not everyone gets that.”
Her words hit me like a wave, pulling me under and giving me breath all at once.She’s right.This love—our love—can’t be confined to what the world expects, or neatly wrapped in some perfect package.It’s messy, complicated, flawed in ways that might never be fixed.But it’s ours.And for the first time in years, I let myself believe that maybe that’s enough.That we’re enough.
I reach out slowly, my hand trembling slightly as my thumb brushes her chin.Her skin is soft, warm, familiar in a way that feels both comforting and terrifying all at once.I tilt her chin upward, gently guiding her to meet my gaze.
Her eyes—those hazel eyes I’ve memorized down to the last freckle—lock with mine, and in that moment, everything around us seems to fall away.The hospital room, the distant sounds of monitors beeping, even the uncertainty of the future—all of it fades into the background.
All that’s left isher.
My Halsey.
I lean in, closing the space between us, my breath hitching as I get closer.Her lips are inches from mine, and suddenly, the years of distance, of hesitation, of longing, collapse like a dam breaking.I’ve imagined this moment countless times, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the flood of emotions that surge through me now.
I kiss her.
Softly at first, almost afraid that if I push too hard, this fragile thing between us might break.But the moment our lips meet, it’s like a spark ignites—a warmth that spreads through my entire body, a fire that’s been smoldering for too long.Her lips respond, tentative at first, but then with a hunger that matches my own, as if she’s been waiting for this just as much as I have.
