Page 3 of Imperfect Saint
“But, he’s still Joshua. The same Joshua I spent half my life loving and I’m scared that the minute I see him, I won’t be able to help myself. He’ll say he’s sorry and that he’s changed and he’ll promise me the world. He’ll charm my panties off and that’ll be that, no matter how many times I tell myself I know better and I deserve better.”
Lemon arched an elegant eyebrow, “So you’re saying he has some kind of power over you? Is it the power of earth-shattering orgasms? Are you stuck in his dicksand?”
Millie wanted to laugh but the words hit a little too close to home so she simply sighed, “It’s more than that. He hates to lose. He doesn’t lose, ever, but he lost me and I’m afraid if I don’t stay away from him that he’ll set his sights on getting me back again and that’ll be the end for me.”
Lemon softened, “Hey. Don’t talk like that. You’re strong and confident and you won’t let him back into your life this time.”
Millie’s heart clenched because the truth was, her friend had more confidence in her than she had in herself. She wasn’t strong. Not when it came to Joshua. He’d made sure of that. He’d told her she was weak and when telling her hadn’t been enough, he’d shown her the truth of it.
Every time she’d left him, she’d thought she was strong but she hadn’t been or else she wouldn’t have taken him back time after time.
The last time she’d left him she’d said it was for good and she’d been strong enough to hold her ground for months, but what if she was wrong? What if she hadn’t gotten stronger? What if she’d only gotten better at avoidance?
She’d avoided being anywhere near Joshua since she ended things but there would be no way of avoiding him at Colin’s wedding. He’d be right there all weekend, stuck to her side like a wart. They were Best Man and Maid of Honor so they’d be sitting together at every meal. No doubt they’d be paired for whatever activities the grooms had planned. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Millie would have to take his arm and let him lead her down the aisle when the big moment came.
The very idea of walking towards an altar with him made bile rise in her throat but even so, she wasn’t certain she was strong enough not to fall back into his bed if he wanted her there.
At work, she’d adopted a not to be messed with persona that made people think twice about pushing her around, but as soon as she stepped out of her high heels and pencil skirt, she went back to feeling like the real Millie Turner. Lonely, sad, and a little bit pathetic, she felt like an afterthought and her family certainly didn’t help the situation when it came to her breakup with Joshua.
Colin told her that she and Joshua had been perfect together. That surely, despite what Joshua had done, they could find a way to get past it. Her father constantly touted the importance of their pairing for the “good of the family” and even her grandfather had pulled her aside at Christmas to talk to her about the situation. He’d all but implied that men like Joshua, men that had grown up with every advantage and would be powerful enough to one day run this city, were allowed to make mistakes but they needed a strong woman to stand by their side. She hadn’t spoken to her grandfather since and wasn’t looking forward to seeing him any more than her father at the wedding.
If only she’d had a strong woman in her life, Millie thought for the millionth time, maybe she wouldn’t have ended up in that situation with Joshua in the first place. If she’d had a mother or a sister she could talk to, maybe she would have been smarter. But her mother had died when she was barely old enough to remember her and Millie had no aunts, no female cousins, and no sisters. She’d led such a sheltered, secluded life as a child that she hadn’t even had close girlfriends until she went away to college and by then it was too late.
She’d been one hundred percent Joshua’s by then. Heart. Soul. Body. She’d been his and nothing and no one could have told her there was anything wrong with their relationship. They’d been the perfect couple. Everyone had said so. They still did. The only thing that had changed was Millie and the lens through which she looked at herself, at Joshua and at the life they’d very nearly had together.
“Camilla Evelyn Turner.” Lemon pulled her out of her thoughts by using her full name and Millie grimaced.
“You know I hate it when you do that.”
“I wanted to be sure I had your attention.” Lemon pointed a finger at her, “You are one of the smartest women I know and you are not going to fall for whatever used car-salesman tricks that philandering jackass has up his sleeves.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Are you not still royally pissed off at him for cheating on you?” Lemon prodded.
“Of course I am.”
She bit her lip and stared down at her desk, willing Lemon to let it go when she didn’t elaborate. Of course she was angry. Joshua had made a fool of her. He’d treated her like she was nothing until she’d started to believe it. After getting away from him and out from under his spell, she’d been humiliated by the person she’d seen looking back at her in the mirror. It was the humiliation that still remained. It was the knowledge that she had been so very, incredibly naïve and so very, purposefully stupid that hurt her even now.
Shewassmart, just like Lemon said. Which was why Joshua still scared her so much. Had he really tricked her all that time? Or had she been so caught up in the life she wanted them to have that she’d ignored all the signs?
That was the power Joshua had over her. He made her second guess herself. He was the kind of man that could start an argument and then somehow convince her that she was the one that had initiated the fight. In the months since she’d left him, since she’d been on her own, she’d done her research. She knew that the picture of the perfect boyfriend she had in her head was built on lies he’d carefully constructed. She knew he had traits that signaled he was a narcissist and that he’d used his tricks to manipulate her. But even knowing all of that, she couldn’t be sure that being back in his presence wouldn’t put her right back under his spell.
“I don’t trust myself around him, Lemon.” She admitted even though she didn’t want to. “He has a way of twisting everything I say and think until it fits the story he wants to tell. I’ve managed to make it through the few minutes of polite conversation he’s forced me into over the last few months but I don’t know how I’m going to get through an entire weekend. He’s nothing if not persistent and I won’t have the luxury of simply walking away every time he approaches me.”
Lemon nodded understandingly. She stared out the window for a long moment but Millie didn’t say anything. She knew what it looked like when her friend was deep in thought. She wondered if Lemon was putting together all of the things Millie didn’t say, all the details she kept to herself. Lemon was smart too and she had her own past and demons, but no matter how much she might relate, Millie had never been able to tell her friend the whole truth. And even if Lemon had her suspicions, she was kind enough to keep them to herself until Millie was ready to broach the topic. She let the silence hang heavy between them until Lemon finally turned back to face her.
“There’s only one solution.”
“Is that so?” She raised an eyebrow, waiting for whatever crazy idea Lemon had cooked up this time.
“Yes, and it’s not bailing on your brother’s wedding.” Lemon leaned back in her chair again and gave a slow smile, “You need to take a buffer.”
“A buffer?”
“A date. Somebody to keep your mind off Joshua and your body away from him.”
Millie thought over the idea. A buffer. A date. Somebody willing to run interference whenever Joshua got too close to her. It wasn’t a bad plan. Not really. God knew it was the only way she’d managed to survive the times Joshua had forced his way into her life over the past few months. She typically used Colin as a middleman but he would be too busy getting married to stay by her side this weekend. It would have to be someone else, but that just raised a new problem.
