Page 9 of Once Upon An Ever After
This was his fault, he realized. He had pushed Dawson to this. He had forced Dawson to make this move even when it was clear that it wasn’t what he wanted because that’s what Dawson did. He took care of the people around him. He tried to be whatever it was they wanted him to be because he had a bone deep fear of being left alone, of losing those he loved like he had lost his parents when he was only a child. And the worst part was that Beau had known that about him, had figured it out early in their friendship, but it hadn’t stopped him from wanting something he knew Dawson couldn’t give him.
He’d wanted this and so, Dawson had given it to him but not even Dawson could force his body to want something that it didn’t and his dick’s lack of interest was more than proof of the lie the last few minutes had been.
He swallowed bile, “I think you should go.”
“Beau, wait…” Dawson winced but Beau didn’t wait. He couldn’t. He couldn’t stand to look at Dawson for another minute. He didn’t want to hear his excuses or his rationales. He didn’t want to be anywhere near him because all he felt in his presence at that moment was guilt and shame for what he’d taken from the man he loved more than anyone, something they’d never be able to get back.
He moved to the side and rushed back into his bathroom. He slammed the door behind him and flipped the lock. He pressed his back to the solid wood door and bit his lip to stifle the scream that wanted to rip out of his chest.
“Beau? Beau, come on. Don’t do this. Talk to me.” Dawson’s hand pounded on the other side of the door so hard it vibrated against Beau’s body, making him move further away.
“Go away, Dawson. I can’t do this right now.” His voice came out too low, too soft and full of the hurt he couldn’t hide but the pounding stopped so he figured Dawson had heard him anyway.
“Please, Beau. Just… please?”
He had no idea what Dawson was pleading for and he couldn’t let himself care. Not in that moment. He moved towards the shower which was still damp from earlier.
“Leave. Now.” He raised his voice, “Please Dawson. If our friendship means anything to you at all…. Just go.”
Beau didn’t wait for a reply. He twisted the knobs on the shower and let the water drown out whatever response Dawson might have given. He stepped back into the shower and sank down to the bottom of the tub, curling into a ball and holding his knees to his chest. He held it together as long as he could, hoping that Dawson had listened and left because he couldn’t stand the idea of Dawson feeling guilty about this when it was Beau’s fault for wanting more than he deserved in the first place.
Whatever small thread of control he’d managed to maintain slipped from him as steam began to rise around him in the small space and he cried. He cried for what felt like hours. He cried because he’d had a small taste of what being with the man he loved could have been like only to have the dream crash in on him. He cried because he knew that as much as Dawson might want to talk things over and work them out, he knew better. There was no going back now. Everything they’d shared. The friendship that had come to mean so much to him, it was ruined now. They were broken and he didn’t think they’d ever fit back together again.
Chapter Five
Dawson found himself standing outside the tallest building in Knights Port with no idea how he had gotten there or even what time it was. He had left the 400 Block Apartments in a daze of regret and embarrassment. His feet had moved and he must have driven his car but he had no memory of it. Inside his head there was only a whirlwind of emotions that he was struggling to control and a need to scream that he was only barely managing to keep back. Outside he could recognize that it was dark now, much darker than it should be if he’d driven straight here from Beau’s apartment, but however he had ended up in front of Bran’s apartment building he knew why he had come here.
Bran would listen. He would understand. He would be able to relate to Dawson fucking up the best thing that had ever happened to him because until Bran had started dating Julian he had been a fuckup of the highest level. Something inside of him knew instinctively that Bran would know what he should do next so he had come to his big brother for help without even thinking it through.
He had screwed up royally. He knew that. Just like he knew that there was no going back. What he had done, changed everything, but in the heat of the moment that’s exactly what he had wanted.
Dawson had gone to Beau’s apartment to talk because he didn’t want to lose him. He’d wanted to explain himself, and his feelings. He’d wanted to tell his best friend that even though he was certain he wasn’t gay that he had feelings for him that he didn’t know what to do with and he was tired of pretending otherwise. But instead of talking, instead of acting rationally like he always, always did, Dawson had gone completely off book and now he’d almost certainly ensured that Beau would never speak to him again.
He knew he had acted rashly. He knew he had probably ruined their friendship. But dammit, Beau was wrong when he’d said that Dawson didn’t want him.
He did. He wanted Beau more than he could possibly put into words. He loved Beau and he’d loved touching him and kissing him. He’d loved seeing the pleasure on the face of the man he loved most in the world. He had wanted Beau, wanted more, but his damn dick had betrayed him.
He didn’t understand it. Had no explanations. Because his cock had been showing interest in Beau for months now but in the heat of the moment, he’d wilted like a cut flower.
What the hell was wrong with him?
That, he had clearly decided at some point, was a question for his older brother.
Dawson glanced at his phone one last time, wishing that there would be a message from Beau asking him to come back. There wasn’t. Of course there wasn’t. But he couldn’t give up on them that easily so he typed out a quick message of his own and hit send before he could overthink it too much.
We need to talk.
Dawson stared at the phone, his heart leaping with excitement when he saw the three little dots appear. Beau was typing. Beau was responding. Beau wasn’t still sitting alone, locked in his bathroom, thinking the worst of Dawson. Then the phone buzzed as Beau’s response came through and Dawson deflated all over again.
Not right now. I can’t. I’m sorry.
Dawson frowned and typed back quickly.
I’m the one who is sorry. That’s why we need to talk. Let me come back and explain.
Not tonight.
Dawson could feel his heart breaking. It was a physical pain that nearly took him to his knees. Beau wouldn’t talk to him. He wouldn’t see him. If Dawson was someone else he might have thought that just meant Beau wanted the night to collect himself before they faced each other again but despite whatever his brothers might think, Dawson knew he wasn’t normal.
