Page 61 of Inbetweeners
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Emmett was uncharacteristically quiet as Nix drove back. Harry hardly stopped talking. Mostly about what a fabulous house Emmett had lived in. How lucky he was to have a tennis courtanda swimming poolandenough room to play football. How brilliant to have rich parents. Wasn’t Emmett lucky, lucky, lucky!
“I wish I’d been you,” Harry said.
Nix might have thought the same, had he not met Emmett’s parents. Though they were not as bad as his had been. And probably not as bad as Harry’s either. What a trio they were.
“That house was so clean and tidy,” Harry said. “There wasn’t even a spoon in the sink. Who doesn’t leave a spoon in the sink?”
“My mother,” Emmett mumbled. “Not a cushion out of place, a smudge on the window or a son who annoyed her.”
Nix glanced across at Emmett who had his head resting against the window, his face blank.
“Blatant attempt to change the subject here,” Harry said. “I wish I could eat. What’s the food like in Hell?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“I do.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I really do!”
Nix growled. “I really don’t want to tell you.”
“What about Heaven then, Emmett?” Harry asked.
“You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to. If you feel like eating, you can have whatever you like, whenever you like. But where is fixed. Everyone eats together in a big hall. I assume there are millions of those.”
“Wow. So, are there people from thousands of years ago up there too? Cavemen? Do they get mammoth to eat? Were there Roman centurions? Did you see anyone famous? Elvis? Nelson Mandela? I suppose there’d be a queue to speak to them.”
“I didn’t see anyone famous. I suppose since Heaven has always existed, it must have people from way back. I don’t know how it all works. I can’t see that it can, to be honest, but somehow it does even though it’s impossible.”
“Didn’t you talk to anyone?” Harry pressed.
“Not if I could avoid it.”
“I love talking,” Harry said.
“We noticed.” Nix glanced at Emmett but he had his face turned to the window.
Nix pulled up outside the Tesco Express at the bottom of their road. “What alcohol do you want?”
“Tequila and margarita mix if they have it. Tequila, lime juice and lemonade if not.”
“Serious about getting hammered then.”
Emmett gave him such a bleak look that Nix bit back what he'd been going to say. He bought more than alcohol and came back to the car with a French baguette, cheese and a few packets of crisps as well.
“Party!” Harry whooped.
Nix didn’t think this was going to be a party.
“Is there alcohol in Heaven?” Harry asked.
“Not that I know of.”
“Shit,” Harry mumbled. “No Pornhub, no alcohol?”
