Page 165 of Fe
Oh Fen. You hate being slow at anything.
“So he’s going to be all right?” Daisy was at Ripley’s side, clinging to Alistair’s hand.
“So far so good. We’ll continue to reduce sedation over the next two to six hours, providing electrolytes, heart rhythmand blood pressure are okay. And they are.”
So far so good? Ripley tried to tell himself he was expecting too much. After major heart surgery, he couldn’t expect any doctor to be full of reassurances.
“Can we see him?” Daisy asked.
“Remember he’s unconscious. A machine is helping him breathe and he’s attached to a lot of equipment, but in a little while, yes, a short visit from close family is fine.”
Fen’s friends and family looked at Ripley. He knew they expected him to want to go in first, but he couldn’t.
He hadn’t changed his mind even after they’d waited another thirty minutes for a nurse to come and tell them they could now see Fen.
“You go,” he said to Fen’s mother.
“Thank you.” Daisy held onto Alistair and they went together.
Ripley felt a moment of guilt that Daisy thought he was doing her a favour, when his offer had been made through cowardice.
They weren’t in there long.
Daisy hugged Ripley when she came out. “He looks…” She stifled a sob. “My boy…”
Don’t make me cry.
They left, then Morgan and Seth came back from Fen’s bed and Morgan shot Ripley a little smile.
“Everything looks fine,” Morgan said. “He’s in good hands. He’ll wake when he’s ready.”
Judd spent longer with him than the others and he was crying when he came back.
“I’m not used to him being so quiet,” Judd said. “Would you like me to stay with you?”
“Go home, Judd. There’s nothing anyone can do. I’ll call you if there’s any news.”
Judd nodded and left.
Ripley carried on sitting there and didn’t go in to see him. He could hear Fen talking in his head.
You promised. You said you’d be waiting, and waiting anywhere other than the side of my bed doesn’t bloody count. Get in here! Now!
Ripley’s brain managed what his heart couldn’t, and he went to see him.
Fen had a tube in his mouth, electrodes on his chest, a dressing over the incision, lines going to bags of fluid, others to syringes inserted into machines, cannulas in his arm and hand, machines beeping…all this to keep him alive.Why do I want to look at any of that? Look at his face. It’s still him, still the man you love.
“You can sit with him,” a nurse said.
He gently took Fen’s hand and made himself look at Fen’s face.Still Fen. Still alive and he needs me. Maybe not as much as I need him, but…“You can wake up now, lazy bones.”
Fen was never lazy. Tired, yes, but never lazy. He always tried so hard.
Ripley stroked his fingers. “Do you remember the first ski holiday we had? One lesson on how to use an adaptive bike and you were bloody fearless. The instructor said you took to it better than anyone he’d ever seen. I couldn’t believe it when you launched yourself down that black run. You made it look easy. Everyone was in awe. Even getting on and off the chairlifts didn’t worry you. I was so proud.”
Had he told Fen he was proud of him? He hoped he had.
Using a skibob might not have been as physically demanding as ordinary skiing, but every night, Fen had fallen asleep the moment he lay on the bed—clothes on or half-off. They’d both laughed about it.
