Page 48 of These Monstrous Ties
I gingerly lift my foot, examining the dried blood, and the wet blood, still coming from my inner arch. I set my heel on his thigh, and he reaches over to turn on the faucet, testing the temperature of the water as he does so. When it’s sufficiently warm, he puts the washcloth under it, rings it out, and then, carefully, starts to clean my foot.
I never knew my brother could be so careful. I’d never known him to be gentle,ever.
We sit in silence as he works, the white cloth turning red. He rinses it out, rings it, and starts all over again. When the dried blood is taken care of it, he rinses it again, and then holds the cloth to the wound, pressing gently, stopping the blood.
I cross my arms over my chest. Something tight is in my throat, and I swallow it down before I speak.
“Why are you doing this?” I finally manage to ask.
He doesn’t look up from my foot, the cloth still pressed against the wound. “I should’ve taken better care of you,” he says quietly.
I stiffen. He notices, and with one hand still holding the cloth, with the other, he draws circles softly against my ankle, then works his hand up my calf, massaging me. His hand goes back down, then up again, and I slowly relax against his touch.
“I should’ve been better,” he continues. “I should have found you, when we were separated.” He finally meets my gaze. “I went through hell, Sid. But I don’t even know what you went through. Where you went. I tried to find you when I got free. When I found my place with the Unsaints.” I watch him swallow and wonder how much of his lore is true. Had he killed his family? Had they locked him in a cage? For the first time I can remember, my heart hurts for my brother.
“I had been looking for you for a long time. I knew you had somehow made it to North Carolina, too.” He shakes his head at the miracle. He sighs. “I always remembered you liked Halloween, when you were a kid.”
I did. I had begged our mom to take me costume shopping, every single year since I could talk. She never did, but I found shit around the house to be a witch or a cat or anything that wasn’t me.
“When I found you at the asylum…” He blows out a breath and shakes his head, finally removing the cloth from my foot. The bleeding has stopped, but I don’t move. He keeps a grip on my ankle. “I didn’t know it was you, before then. If I had known…I would have never let you go, Sid. I would have never let Lucifer have you.” The leader of the Unsaint’s name comes out like a growl. “Lucifer was the worst of us. And I was so angry. So goddamn angry that I’d let you getthere. That it had taken me so long.”
I bite my lip, tears welling up in my eyes. I brush my hand roughly over my face, trying to hold them back. He had shot a gun just above my head, just last night. I’m looking for the trick in this, because the truth is…I want what he’s saying to be true. I want a big brother. A real one. One that cares. That doesn’t let men like Kristof put their filthy fucking hands on me.
“And I took it all out on you,” he’s saying. “I punished you with the bodies and the death because I was terrified that would beyou,if you weren’t careful. I’m terrified they’ll come for you. They never forgive. And I put all that pain I’d felt for you, all that regret I had about you, and I just unleashed it. Onyou.”His eyes are shining. I’ve never seen my brother cry. I’ve never seen him come close to it. But his green eyes are glittering with tears. He strokes my ankle again, pulling his lip between his teeth before he lets out an unsteady breath.
“I’m sorry, Sid. I don’t want things to be like this.”
I can’t speak. I don’t know what to say. I realize my hands are shaking, and I clench them into fists. I just stare at Jeremiah, trying to find the trick. The nasty surprise. But his face is open, unguarded, probably the only time in his entire fucking life.
He slowly sets my foot down and then he stands, crossing the space in the tub between us. He kneels before me, between my legs, his hands on my thighs. He doesn’t know it, but his hand covers that pearly white scar Lucifer had given me. Maybe he does know it. Maybe he doesn’t want to think about it.
“I love you, Sid. I’ve always loved you. And I missed you every day we were apart.” His hands squeeze my thighs, gently. “I want us to be different.”
I shake my head. “Why?” I croak out. “Why now?”
“Last night I aimed a gun at your head, to teach you a lesson. To show you the monsters that are outside these walls. But I was the fucking monster last night. I’m so sorry, Sid.” He reaches out a hand, puts it gently around the back of my neck and pulls me to him. I press my brow against his, looking down at him.
My beautiful, cold brother. Crying at my feet.
I nod, my lip trembling. “Okay,” I manage to say. “Okay. Let’s do this differently.”
And then I can’t hold back the tears anymore, and for the first time in my life, I cry on my brother’s shoulder.
* * *
Jeremiah himself hasthe glass on the balcony taken care of. And it’s Jeremiah I stand beside when he holds a gun in his hands, pointed at someone else entirely when we are in the meeting room. I usually don’t go in here. Jeremiah calls meaftera corpse is created. Before one, he briefs his men here. I have no part in that.
But he had asked me here this morning, after I had taken a shower and bandaged up my foot. He’d called me to watch him take care of someone.
I didn’t know what to expect when I slid into my seat, across from Nicolas at the table. Brooklin sat at the head of the table, one leg crossed over the other, looking bored. But she’d actually bidden me good morning which has never happened once before in the six months we’ve been living under the same enormous roof.
I only inclined my head in response, but it was something. I didn’t know what type of epiphany Jeremiah had had last night, or if Nicolas had said something to him, or if he was on drugs. I liked it, but it made me uneasy. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Like anything I did slightly wrong would disappoint him and make this all disappear.
And right now, I feel as if I’m holding my breath.
Three guards, Trey included, stand around the room, but Jeremiah is pointing a gun at his best guard.
Kristof.
