Page 133 of The Cruelest Chaos
“Did she leave?” he asks me, his voice tight with barely restrained rage. He’s still panting, his chest heaving, and he doesn’t give me time to answer before he asks it again, angrier this time: “Did sheleave?”
He drops the papers to the ground where they scatter, spreading in every direction. He fists my shirt in his hand, yanking me toward him until we’re nose-to-nose.
Ella is silent at my back, but Lucifer should be careful. I wouldn’t put it past her to hit him for me.
“You know the answer to that.” I grab his wrist, but don’t try to throw him off of me. For a moment, we just stand there, breathing hard.
He takes a deep breath in. Closes his eyes. I can smell his sweat, and mine too. I wonder if he’d rather be breathing in the scent of my blood, instead.
“Did she choose it?” he asks, his tone quieter. “Don’t lie to me,” he says quickly, eyes still closed, fist still clenched around my shirt. “Did she choose…him?”
I can’t watch it. I can’t watch the pain on his face. Even though I played a role in it—or maybe because of that—I can’t watch.
I swallow, try to wet my lips so I can get the words out as I close my own eyes. He deserves to know the truth. He’s already seen it, if the letters he dropped to the ground are any indication.
“Yes.” The word is hoarse, and I don’t even know if I’ve said it loud enough for him to hear. But I can’t hear him breathing anymore.
I can’t open my eyes either.
He yanks me closer, his other hand coming up and I think he’s going to hit me, and I think I’m going to let him, but then he just pulls me into a hug with both arms wrapped around me, his head on my shoulder.
I don’t hesitate. I hug him back. Holding him.
“I never told her.” His words are strained. “I never told her. And I never told you.” He swallows, hard. “Thank you. For Pammie. For getting rid of one of my worst nightmares. Thank you, and god, Sid,thank you, too, baby girl.”
His body heaves in my arms, and he collapses, all of his weight against me. I’m holding him up, his heart breaking in my arms.Lingerstarts up again and I don’t know if he’s doing this to himself or ifthey’redoing it to torture him.
I don’t know, but as his heart shatters, mine does, too. For him.
Because now I know. I know what it would be like to feel this pain. To know Ella chose to walk away. I know how it would taste a lot likesomething I deserve, knowing that any person in their right mindwoulddo what Sid did.
They wouldn’t walk away.
They’d run.
So fucking far that the 6 couldn’t get to them. Couldn’t hurt them anymore. And Jeremiah Rain is the only hope she has for that kind of protection.
And I know just how much that fucking guts Lucifer.
He buries his head in my neck and I feel the warmth of his tears, and when a cry leaves his throat, it’s a strangled sound. Something a wild animal might make.
His fingers dig into my back as he struggles to stay upright and I wince with the pain, but I don’t dare let go of him.
No matter what he’s done, no matter that Sid did what she thought was best, I won’t let go of him. Not until he’s ready.
His choked sobs rip through my own heart, the warmth on my neck growing hotter as his tears fall against my skin. I squeeze him as close as I can, and he trembles in my arms for a long, long time.
I don’t know how much time passes, but his muffled whimpers grow quieter, and then I feel Ella’s arm around me, and Lucifer slowly pulls away.
When I look up, he’s not looking at me.
He’s looking at her, and she at him.
He opens his arm, one still around my shoulder, and she sinks into him, and I sink into them, the three of us holding one another.
Her head is against his chest, and his eyes are closed as silent tears still fall, his eyes swollen and puffy even closed.
He calls Sid’s name over and over, like a broken plea.
