Page 53 of The Cruelest Chaos
She looks startled, as if during the course of this soul-baring conversation, she forgot just how careless I can fucking be.
“Sid,” I say through gritted teeth. “I know you’re going through a lot. I know you’re scared. And I know you’re adjusting to an entirely different world. But guess what, Angel? You’re not the only one going through some shit, alright? So can you watch how you fucking talk to me, for just one goddamn minute?” I’m breathing hard and so is she, and for one split second, just like at Liber, for one terrible moment, I wish she wasn’t who she was. I wish we didn’t share blood. I wish she wasn’t my brother’s wife, and I fucking wish she wasn’t pregnant with his fucking child.
Her chest is heaving, her lips parted as she stares up at me through those thick, dark lashes, and my chest tightens. I need her out of my house, but I can’t let go of her either. I can push my own needs aside, but I need her to walk out of here okay. And right now? She’s definitely not okay.
“I’m sorry,” she finally says, a little breathless. And then she sinks into me, her head against my chest, her arms wrapped around my body.
I stand there for a moment with my hands up, not touching her. I’m not sure what to do with my hands, I’m not sure I can stand her being so close to me. But her arms only tighten around me and I know that she really needs someone. Someone who isn’thim.Maybe she needs me as a replacement for whatever Jeremiah has been for her the past year and a half. Maybe she just needs a friend, and considering Ria is “missing”, Brooklin, and Jeremiah’s fuckboy, Nicolas, have vanished, and Natalie and Atlas are currently still fighting, she doesn’t really have anyone.
Anyone but me.
I put my arms around her, careful to keep them on her shoulders. I don’t want to touch any part of her body that I don’t have to. I don’t want to tempt myself.
Or her.
Fucking her was a mistake, and it still makes me feel ill. But there’s no part of me that isn’t fucked up, and blood or not, nothing has changed that.
“Sid,” I murmur against her hair, my body curling over hers. She smells like lavender. “Do you miss Jeremiah?”
She seems to tense against me, and I wonder if she’ll pull away. But I think it’s a fair question. Lucifer goes on and on about how much he hates him. I mean, hestabbedhim for fuck’s sake. Left him to die in a burning building. He’s made no secret that he wants him dead in the ground and that I fucked that all up for him.
But I highly doubt he’s bothered to ask Sid how she feels about him being gone. And my other sister is with him. I have to believe that as fucking horrible as Jeremiah is, there’s some part of him that’s…decent. Sid loved him. Probably loves him still. Something in him must have made him worthy of that love.
Or maybe it’s just because Sid likes violence and Jeremiah is so good at giving it.
“Yes,” she whispers, as if she doesn’t really want me to hear her answer. “I miss him.” She pauses. And then, “Are you going to kill him?”
She must be thinking of Brooklin. We can’t start a war with the fucking Order of Rain yet, because of the fact my sister is there. The 6 might have written Brooklin off, and they might be fine with whatever her fate may be in Jeremiah’s hands when they come for him, but I’m not quite ready for that yet. I want both of my sisters.
I don’t lie to Sid. “I don’t know,” I say instead. “Probably, in the end. One of us has to go.”
She nods against my chest, as if she agrees, and I’m wondering who she would want dead first. Me, or him. I don’t ask her, because I don’t want to know the answer.
Slowly, I pull away from her, cup her face in my hand. “Talk to Lucifer, okay? I can’t…I can’t do what you want me to do. And I know you’ll find a way no matter what. I know you won’t do something you don’t want to do. Not for him. Not for anyone.”
She gives me a surprisingly shy smile at that but doesn’t say anything.
“Just tell him, Angel. You might be surprised to find out that he wants you more than he wants anything else at all, including a baby. I know he’s dying to have a kid with you, but…” I trail off. I don’t say,but he wants that because he wants you to be more trapped than you already are,because it’s not the whole truth and it isn’t the right thing to say. I swallow, try again. “But he’s dying for you towantto be with him more than anything else in this fucking world.”
That is the whole truth.
She nods, and I see her eyes welling up with tears, which nearly breaks my heart. It reminds me of when she was in Lucifer’s house, outside of his door, listening to him finger fuck Ophelia. I pushed her into his arms, let him take her to my house. Let him let her go, to find solace in Jeremiah’s arms because Lucifer knew that was the best place for her to hide from Lazar.
And yet Luce expected her to be over Jeremiah just because he said so?
I don’t get the heart at all, but Lucifer…he really doesn’t fucking get it.
“Okay, Mav,” Sid says.
My heart swells at that. I thought I liked her calling me by my nickname. But hearing her say that name, the one my brothers use…
I pull her into me again, and for a long moment, we just stand there in silence, holding onto each other.
“Wait a sec,” I say, breaking off our hug. She wipes the back of her hand over her eyes as I peel off a sheet of paper from a notepad on the kitchen counter. I open up a drawer, grab a pen, and scribble down an address.
I hand it over to her and she takes it, scanning the page. Her brows furrow. “This is…your address?” she asks, confused.
“Yeah.” I nod toward the paper. “You won’t always be able to sneak away from that jealous SOB.”
