Page 56 of Ecstasy
My limbs feel heavy with his words because I don’t know the answer to his question. And I wish I did. I know I should let her go. I know she fucked me over. I know she cheated on me, and humiliated me, and I know I should hate her for it.
But I don’t.
I just don’t.
Just like as much as I want my mother to be free of my dad, I also know it’s probably best if she doesn’t leave. Because if she does, who will be there for her? Who will make sure she doesn’t OD? Who will take care of her?
I can’t stop picturing Zara’s blue-green eyes. Her arms around me when I picked her up at Jax’s.You are so beautiful.How her hair feels in my hands. That coffee-and-flower scent that she wafts around her wherever she goes. How my sheets still smell like her, and I kind of hope they never stop.
I know she hurt me.
I know I need to cut her off.
I can’t.
“I don’t know,” I finally answer Eli, looking down at my hands. “Honestly, I just don’t know.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and then he says, “You need to stay away from her, man.”
I tense, clenching my fists, but I don’t look up. I know he’s just being my friend. He’s just saying what’s best for me.
“Girls fucking line up to suck your dick. Forget Zara.”
I can’t help but laugh, even though I’m definitely not in a playful mood. “I don’t know, after Rihanna, they might all be scared of her.”
I look up and meet his dark gaze. He furrows his brow. “You think she had something to do with Rihanna?”
I shake my head, stare up at the stars above us. “Nah, I’m just fucking around. Guess it’s not funny.”
He laughs. “Not yet. Maybe a few more days.” Then he asks, “I’m not trying to start anything, but why are you still fucking with her? After what she did?” And it’s amazing, because he really doesn’t sound like he’s trying to start anything. He’s just asking. Clinically. Curiously. He wants to know.
I keep looking up at the stars. “You really wanna know, man?”
“That’s why I’m asking.”
“She’s addicting,” I tell him. I dip my head down and he turns to look at me, his dark green eyes locked on mine. “All of her fuck ups, and even the way she gets a little out of control, she’s just addicting.”
“Do you love her?” It’s a fast question, straightforward. It surprises me, coming from Eli. He doesn’t really talk about girls, and we definitely don’t talk about love.
“Yeah, I think so.”
He nods, as if he expected I’d say as much. He gestures toward me with his beer. “You know she’s not okay. You know she’s still using. And you can’t breathe for her too. She’ll pull you down in that grave and bury you with her.” He takes another pull from his beer. “She’ll fuck you up, Alex. You won’t save her. She’ll just destroy you.”
16
Zara
One in themorning on Monday, and I can’t sleep. Sunday, I did fuck-all. Ended up chugging cough syrup in the middle of the day, and now I’m reaping the consequences.
I turn on my side to grab my phone from my nightstand.
I still haven’t confronted Eli about his bullshit. Alex and I have texted since he dropped me off here Saturday, and I told him again I was sorry, but I’m not that sorry.
I’m fucking pissed.
I know Eli is probably sleeping, although I’m not sure hedoessleep, but I can’t help it. I’ve been thinking about his bullshit nonstop, just waiting for him to tell Alex. Or to blackmail me to meet him or some shit.
But he’s just ignored me.
