Page 128 of Ecstasy
His eyes narrow but he doesn’t say anything.
“I never wanted him.” My voice breaks.
“That was my fuckingbest friend,” Alex seethes, as if I don’t know. As if I don’t see just how screwed up everything is. How screwed up Eli is. How screwed up I am. “How could you?How fucking…could you?”His voice breaks, his hold weakening. He presses his forehead to mine and I smell him, feel him. It’s overwhelming, him being so close to me after so long we’ve had apart. “How the fuck could you, Zara?” His words are soft, broken.
I swallow down the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” But there’s something more pressing, something moreimportant. “I’m sorry but you can take the pills. You can take everything. There’s even a stash in my shoebox that I’ll—”
Alex pulls back, taking a deep breath, composing himself. “I already got it.”
I fight down the flash of anger, and just take a deep breath instead. “Right, well, you can take it all. I’ll stay here, in this apartment, but you don’t need to give up your fall break to stay with me.” I stare into his eyes, pleading. “I need to be alone. I need space to think. I could even go home, to see my mom.”
He looks at me for a long moment, his face unreadable. He doesn’t drop my gaze and I find it almost hard to keep my eyes on his. To not look away. To not cower, because I’m full of shit. But he can’t see that. He doesn’t know me like he thinks he does. If he thinks Eli is bad, he’s got no fucking clue how I am.
Kylie doesn’t know me either. We really just became friends, and that was all bullshit too, because I didn’t tell her any truths and she kept shit from me.
“Yeah,” Alex finally says, and I feel relief start to spread like a warm blanket over my limbs. He lets go of one of my arms, brushes his thumb over his lip and steps back, finally dropping my other arm. My knees feel weak with gratitude, that he bought the lie.
But then he slides his hands into the pockets of his sweats and says it again, “Yeah.” He blows out a breath. “Here’s the thing, princess. You’re full of pretty words. But I know you’re full of shit, too. I know, because this isn’t my first fucking rodeo with girls like you.” He reaches a hand from his pocket, strokes my cheek.
His fucking mother.
The touch is tender, despite his words.
It makes tears prick behind my eyes and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because I’m trapped or because of something else…
I don’t know.
I just don’t know.
“I can’t promise you much after this, but I can promise I’m going to take care of you, princess.” And then he presses his lips to my forehead. “And you’re not leaving this apartment until you’re better, because I will not fucking let you destroy your life.”
I try to shove him away, but he grabs my arms.
I try to move, to pull myself free from his grip while Kylie watches, her hand over her mouth, silent.
“Let. Me.Go!”I scream at him, trying to get to the door. But he’s so much stronger than me and he doesn’t let go.
“Let me fucking go!” I scream again, at the top of my lungs. He spins me around, pulls my back to his chest and covers my mouth with his hand.
“Relax,” he whispers in my ear. His voice is still so broken, it gives me pause. It’s so broken and I hear the grief in his tone. “Just relax, princess. I’ll take care of you. Just don’t fight me, please. Please don’t.”
His words lingerin my head long after he pulls me to bed. Long after I give up the fight for tonight. Long after Kylie leaves with a warning for Alex that if he hurts me, she’ll call the police herself.
Long after he takes off my shoes and my clothes and offers me his own shirt. Long after he pulls my back against his chest and wraps his strong arms around me.
“Don’t fight me. Please don’t fight me.”
40
Alex
I’ve got approximatelya dozen missed texts from a dozen different numbers asking me what I’m doing for break. I put my phone on silent, open my music app, and then flip it over.
MANTRAby Saint Slumber plays alongside the sounds of frying bacon on the back burner as I scramble some eggs on Zara’s stove.
I could’ve taken her to my house for the week. Eli was supposed to be away, for a wrestling tournament. But we haven’t exactly been on speaking terms lately and I’m moving out at the end of the semester.
So, Zara’s apartment it is.
