Page 149 of Unorthodox
She doesn’t move for a long moment, and I know what she’s thinking. She’s thinking that if she gives in, she’s fucked in the head. That if she enjoys any part of being around me, she’s broken.
There was a time I was able to disappear into my head when my father came for me. The first time I was raped for disobeying him, it wasn’t by a man.
It was with a stick.
It wasn’t one of my father’s guards on the other end of it.
It was my father.
That pain was blinding.Deafening.It was louder than my screams. So loud I didn’t hear my own tooth crack when my father hit me for crying.
It lasted for what felt like hours.
But after a while, I wasn’t there anymore. My face was in the dirt, and I was breathing in the earth. I was tasting blood in my mouth, but even that faded away too. I was…gone.
As far as bad experiences go, it wasn’t so bad after that.
The worst, though…the worst is what Addison feels right now.
The worst was when I stopped fearing what my father wanted done to me, and when I started to like it. The worst was when my own body betrayed me, and my mind couldn’t stop it.
When Addison reluctantly comes to me, settles herself down in my lap, her back to my chest, every muscle in her body is tense.
When I grab the blanket she’d been using and drape it over the both of us, and she leans her head back against my chest, careful to avoid my shoulder, I know she hates herself.
She can’t stand the thought of finding solace with a man like me. It makes her feel dirty. Shameful. And yet despite all of that, she’s still right here where I want her.
I didn’t see it then, when I was a kid. I didn’t see my stupidity and my shame as what it was—brave.
It’s bravery.
It takes fucking guts to find peaceful moments with someone who holds your life in their hands. It’s not for the faint of heart, looking for comfort in your own personal demons.
Maybe it’s ignorance, and maybe it means you’re fucked in the head, but it’s also a sort of strength that you only know if you’ve lived it.
We’ve both done that.
Evora tried to do that too.
I bring my arms around Addison, holding her close to me and breathing in her sweet scent as she looks toward the TV. My chin is against her hair and I close my eyes.
She’ll do this with Jameson too.
Maybe he’ll be good to her.
Fuck, for all I know, he’ll love her.
If she could make me remember all the things I want to forget, if she could touch some part of me that I thought was long ago dead, she can do the same to any man.
Even a man likethat.
Even one that’s hurt someone I love.
Don’t think about it.
“Are you okay?” I ask her, whispering the words against her ear.
She tenses, brings the blanket up to her chin. “What do you mean?”
