Page 109 of Like Grim Death: Part One
He would’ve liked it.I should’ve let him help.
“What happened?” Mav asks, ignoring my question. His thumb comes to the hollow of my throat. He doesn’t press, but his other fingers curl around my neck, gently.
I keep my chin lifted as he examines me, the voices of the others drifting down the hall.
I swallow beneath his hand, grinding my molars together. I don’t want his anger or his pity on my behalf. I saw how he looked at me in the dark when he noted the bite marks from Luce. “Nothing bad.”
Mav’s lips press together. “You’re gonna need to clarify for me, Angel.”
“Is something wrong with Lucifer?” I can’t help but ask the question.
Mav doesn’t move his hand as he whispers, “No.”
“Then tell me why you’re here.”
He strokes his thumb up the curve of my throat, his eyes tracking the movement as I clench my hands into fists. I dart a glance at Ella. Her eyes are focused on Mav’s hand on me.
“We wanted to celebrate Rain’s birthday. It’s what family does.”
“But that’s not all,” I retort, and I know I’m right at the smirk on his lips.
He doesn’t speak for a second, just smiling at me. “Cain is right,” he finally says, distracting me and dropping his hand, but keeping his fingers pressed against Ella’s shoulder.
I feel strange without his touch, and slowly, I dip my chin, but keep my eyes on his.
“You look tired.” His eyes search mine for a moment before he speaks again. “We’re here to protect you, and Rain—”
“I don’t need—”
“Your protection,”Mav mocks me, finishing my sentence. His nostrils flare as he clenches his jaw, staring at me with something like hot anger. It’s like he’s dying to tell me something, but after a moment, he shakes his head, and keeps ridiculing me. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’re good all by yourself in this big, empty, fucking house, alone and caring for a newborn, worrying your pretty little head off about where Jeremiah Rain is and feeling him break your heart into tiny little pieces in that hospital bed, over and over and over again. You’re all good, right?” He steps closer, his boots touching the tips of my toes, the scent of him—leather and earth—consuming me. It’s familiar, and comforting, and right now, I need it. “You’re good with not eating and watching Rain’s every movement like the moment you let him too far out of your sight for too long, something terrible is going to happen to him, and it’s going to beyour fault.”He leans down close, eye level with me, his gaze locked on mine, and I can’t look away as Ella comes closer to his side, like she wants to remind himshe’s here.
“You can’t sleep, and you’re wasting away, and you’re dreaming of him, and I don’t mean Jeremiah, although I’m sure he’s haunting you too, huh, Angel?” His lips tip upward, but it’s a cruel expression, nothing like a smile. “No.” His hand comes to my waist, pulling me even closer as my feet skid along the floor, my toes on top of his boots, and I have to let him hold me upright before I lose my balance. He puts his arm around Ella, pulling her in too. Her shoulder brushes mine, the cake bumping between us. I can smell her vanilla scent, and something like mint. It’s like we’re in some weird, twisted hug. My heart races, and my blood grows hot in my veins.
“It’s our fucking dad in your nightmares? When you close your eyes, you see it all happen?” I know he knows exactly what happened. I know Lucifer would have told him every scene, frame by frame.
My stomach drops.
I didn’t expect it would eat him alive, like it’s eating me.Why do we never talk about this shit?
In my head, I see it again. I hear Maddox, what he said about Lucifer’s mom giving birth to him, in the hospital, naturally, and how Maddox and Lazar both thought it disgusting. Their hatred toward women was fully alive to me then, in that room, and even though, sometimes, I like to think Maddox regretted it, and that’s why he took his own life, I can’t forget what he called me.
His own daughter.
I can’t forget the words he spoke, even after he knew what happened to me. Where he left me. All the people he let feed off of me, as a child. No welcoming arms. No toys, no fun until Jeremiah tried to help, to protect me. But then I was ripped from him too and thrust into danger wrapped in gentleness, because sexual abuse isn’t always violent.
And that hurts the worst. Thinking I grew up the way I am because sometimes, I remember thinking it felt good, and it’s something I hate myself for.
“Yeah.” Mav’s breath is soft against my lips. He angles his body, so he’s holding both me and Ella, turned toward both of us as she remains silent, letting it happen. “You think you don’t need our protection from the outside, but it’s not that I’m trying to save you from, Sid.” His voice breaks, and some of his cockiness falters. He glances down, long lashes nearly brushing his cheekbones as his lips press together. Then he lifts his eyes back to me, his fingertips digging into my side. “It’s yourself. Those memories are going to eat you alive if you stay alone.”
“I’m not alone.” All of that, and it’s the only thing I can say. It comes out jagged though, like the splinter of a lie.
“Even when Lucifer is here…” Mav trails off, breathing in through his nose. Out. “You can’t seem to let him in, can you?” He glances at Ella. I know he means the words for her too, or maybe about himself. It’s no wonder we’re related.
There’s a lump in my throat. I couldn’t speak even if I knew what to say.
“I know he can be an asshole,” Mav continues, his eyes flickering with a spark of amusement. “He’s a fucking fallen angel if there ever was one. But once upon a time, he deserved a place in heaven too.”
The lump grows bigger. My teeth are clenched, my brows pulled together. I look toward Ella, who is watching me closely, and I don’t know if she’s sympathetic, or if she wants me to break.
