Page 237 of Like Grim Death: Part One
“I don’t have anything to give you.” It’s the most honest thing I could say to him.
When I walk inside the dark mansion from a side entrance, it’s silent. I push the door closed and it locks automatically. I need to unlock it, because Sevryn doesn’t have a key, but I need a second.
I sag against the wall in the narrow corridor, burying my head in my hands, the cold plastic of the lighter pressing against my skin. My eyes screw up tight, my chest squeezes, but I won’t fucking do it. I can’t.
I have to stop being so fucking pathetic. So fucking scared. I cannot let all these fucking emotions show, because someone has to be in control. When I wasn’t, Lilith ran, and I can’t. I need her. Rain needs her. I need them both.
But it’s all there. Those haunting memories that have started to infect my mind since I first laid eyes on Mikhail fucking Malikov at the initiation ceremony.
The rope. The fucking darkness. Dirt under my nails. My throat was sore from crying, and I got hit for that. Every sound I made, a blinding pain. I saw fucking stars.
My dad… he wasn’t…anything.
He wasn’t fucking anything for me.
Why did you hate me so fucking much? I wasn’t a bad kid. I didn’t get into trouble until I was older, and I kept all of your fucking secrets and I did everything you told me to and… is that it? You thought I was a fucking pussy because I followed orders? Is that it? Is that why?
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I want to slap my hands over my eyes, but I don’t. I can’t. I’m not that person. I’m not that man anymore.
I’m stronger. Sid loves me. Rain loves me so much. I’m responsible for them both. I cannot break down just because a fucking stranger with my wife’s eyes starts to talk about his own horror. Why do I even care? I don’t give a single fuck about him. He is disposable.
Everything blurs. It’s raw against my throat. My head. There’s something warm down my face. I feel a little sick, like I’m going to vomit, and bile rises up to the back of my tongue and I need to get on my hands and knees, but this thing is too tight on my throat…
Shadow Villa. Why are we in this hell?
Help. I need help. Dad. My dad. I need help. Help, help, help. Warmth down my thigh. Help.
I need help, I need—
“Lucifer? Baby?”
I gasp, backing up and hitting my head on the door. I keep my hands by my sides, curled into fists so hard my knuckles ache but I won’t hurt her again.
“You’re right here. You’re right here, okay?” Sid is staring up at me, but she’s stepped back. She’s not close. Her hands are no longer on me, and I know why. I know she’s scared of how I might react, and I hate myself for that shit.
But I deserve it.
I take a deep breath, and it feels like gasping.“Lilith.”
She comes half a step closer. Her eyes seem to soften. No longer wary, but she still doesn’t touch me. I think of the knife to her head. The scar over her brow.
I’m so fucking sorry.
I don’t say it because I don’t want her to have to comfort me. Instead, I just say, “Why are you down here? Is Rainy asleep?”
Sid cocks her head, like she’s surprised, but slowly, she nods. “I followed you, after checking on him with Brooklin. I just wanted to make sure… you were okay.”
I want to hold her. “Come here.”
She glances past me, and I don’t know if she knows Sevryn is locked out there or not, but I don’t fucking care. I just want her.
She steps closer, and I hook my arm around her neck, pressing her to me, my other hand coming to her hip, slipping under her sleepshirt.
I bury my face in her hair. She smells so good. Like Rain, and lavender. Like innocence, and love.
“What’s going on, baby?” she asks me, her fingertips gliding through my curls as she cuddles close to my chest. Her words are against my heart. “Talk to me, Lucifer.”
I don’t want to. I’m supposed to be talking to Sevryn. I’m supposed to handle Atlas’s shit. Something is up with him I don’t know about. With Cain.Ella.
