Page 91 of Like Grim Death: Part One
Dominus steps back, bringing them both away from the lip of the baptistry as he plants his feet in a fighting stance, his fingers gripping Lucifer’s wrist tightly, stopping the punch from connecting.
“You don’t get to do this.” Lucifer whispers the words, and they sound harsher somehow, because of it.“You don’t get to fucking do this to me.”Every muscle in his body is rigid and tense, and I can’t see his face, just the back of his head, but I watch Elijah’s eyes lock onto his.
And it isn’t anger there, despite the fact Lucifer just tried to attack him.
Lucifer shrugs out of his grip, backing up and pulling at his hoodie.
Elijah keeps his hands up in a placating gesture, which is smart, but Lucifer stays still, staring at Dominus.
“You don’t get to fuck me up like this again. Don’t you think I’ve hadenough?”Lucifer’s hands are curled into fists at his sides, but his voice sounds weak. Broken.
“I’m sorry for what happened to you.” Elijah says the words with a sincerity I’m not sure I’ve ever heard from him before, even though he speaks quickly, like he’s trying to calm him. “I’m sorry you weren’t protected. I’m sorry I never stepped in. I’m sorry Lazar never… learned how to parent.”
Lucifer backs up, like he’s been hit, dangerously close to falling into the corpse-water.
I can see his side profile now, and his mouth is pressed into a thin line. He’s shaking his head, like he’s lost for words. Like he can’t believe what Elijah just said.
He swipes his hand down his opposite arm, brushing off Dominus’s touch.
“Never learned how toparent?”he repeats, his words low. “He did a lot worse than that. Being an absentparentwould’ve been a fuckingblessing.”I see his chest heaving. Ifeelhis pain, even though it isn’t mine. But I know. My dad was the same way. I think we all know how he feels.
In fact, ironically, Elijah might be the best father any of us have ever had, and yet, Ezra is still fucked up.
Something happened there too, something we never told one another, growing up as kids. We hid our pain well. Even then, we knew the cost of not keeping secrets.
You forfeit your life for that shit.
“I’d never do it to Rain,” Lucifer is saying, and I hear his voice crack. I wonder if he’s imagining Sid on that video, her legs dangling off the ground from the back of the ambulance, the night she killed Reverend Wilson, her foster dad. “I can’t even… imagine. I willneverbe like him.”Lazar.He fucked Sidandhis life up. The rawness in his words fucking shatters me. “I willneverdo what he did to me. I will… never let Rain or Lilith feel what my mom felt. WhatIfelt.” He curls his fingers into a fist and knocks it against his chest, almost as if he’s pleading with Elijah. As if he’s saying,don’t let me. Don’t let me be him. Don’t let me. Don’t fucking let me.
We never even talked about what Mikhail said, when we left the ritual room Monday night. Thattheyhad a hand in killing Lucifer’s mom. We always assumed it was Lazar, and I think, in some ways, Lucifer just wants to go on believing it was, because he murdered his father, and maybe in a way, he felt he avenged not only Sid, but his mother too.
He takes a breath, and no one speaks as he does.
I think of Sid’s bruises. Of the tremor I swear I saw in Lucifer’s hand. The coke. The ways he’s trying to change. Trying, and maybe… failing. Both him and Sid are transforming, but growth fuckinghurts.They’re clawing away all the parts of themselves they needed tosurvive,and that can feel like death.
But I still don’t understand wholly what’s happening. I still don’t know who this woman is.
“Why did you do this to me?” He whispers the words, gesturing toward the body, but he doesn’t look back.
Elijah’s eyes soften, and it surprises me, seeing it. “I didn’t.” His words sound truthful, even though I don’t let myself believe him. He shakes his head once, glancing behind me, toward the door we entered from. “I didn’t do it, but I needed you both to see.” His gaze comes to mine. “Some things, you mustobey.”There is reluctant pleading in his words, like he’s trying to get us to understand just what it is heisn’tsaying as much as what he is. “Tonight, when you meet him…” I know he means the initiate, and he trails off, finally dropping his hands. “Follow protocol. Listen to Boaz. Keep your families safe. You both have women you shouldn’t, and I’m trying to keep themalive.”He snarls the last word, but his anger isn’t toward us.
In fact, he’s staring at the woman.
Does he think Mikhail did this?It must be him, or someone connected to RC.
Lucifer doesn’t look away from him as Elijah’s eyes come to his.
For long seconds, it seems like no one even breathes.
Then Lucifer turns, but I hear his boot slip as he does, and my mouth drops open even as I lunge toward him, trying to stop him from falling into the baptistry.
His boot is less than an inch from the water, from the blood and the fucking corpse and the warning about our own indiscretions, when Elijah grabs Luce’s arm and jerks him away from the ledge, pulling him so they’re head-to-head.
Luce is breathing hard, and Elijah’s grip is firm on his arm, his knuckles blanching.
“Let me go,” Lucifer says through gritted teeth.
They stare off for a moment, but after several seconds, the tension seems to deflate from Luce. Like he’s done. Like he’s fucking exhausted. Like he’s falling into Elijah’s touch, letting him hold him up. And he whispers, so quietly, I can barely hear him, “Where is Finn?”
