Page 62 of Heart Check
Alex:real
Alex:but ok ok we’re being supportive
Alex:what’re you going to do??
Me:What do you mean what am I going to do? She ripped me a new one and told me to leave her alone!
Ryan:yeah, but she also ghosted you after my party
Ryan:and let you suffer after the small business fair
Ryan:…
Ryan:actually, never mind, maybe this isn’t meant to be
Alex:bro
Ryan:what??
Alex:you hurt her feelings. I kind of doubt she’ll be the first one to make amends on this one.
I stare at my phone for so long the screen goes dim, then turns off, and I’m left blinking away the afterimage burned onto my retinas. Part of me knows he’s right. That Harper craves the belonging of our team more than she’ll ever admit, and what I said hit her in a hidden place that she’d been really brave to show me. The texts from Ryan and Alex remindme—at least when I’m struggling, I have two of the best guys I know to talk me through it and prop me up. Not everyone can say that, and I don’t take it for granted.
I feel like a total dick for weaponizing her vulnerabilities against her, even out of my own hurt. But I’m not sure how to make it right. And if she’s that ashamed to tell her best friend about me when I had her back against thewhole school, maybe it’s not worth trying. I had that rule about dating for a reason. Dad and Red were right after all—girls only get in your head.
Me:Whatever. I don’t have time, anyway. I need to focus on the Northview game Friday. It was dumb to get distracted in the first place.
Ryan:love’s never dumb, dawson
Alex:okay, nora ephron
Ryan:who’s nora??
Alex:educate yourself man
Alex:I’m going to bed. See you on the ice
I thumbs-up his message and put my phone down again. But even when I close my eyes, sleep never comes.
At early morning Saturday practice, my eyes are scratchy and my limbs are weighed down by invisible anvils. I couldn’t even eat breakfast, I felt so queasy and weird, so I’m totally depleted on the ice. All I can think about is Harper. What’s she doing today? Does she hate me?
Was there some truth in what she said?HaveI been acting like a dick all this time?
A three-week situation shouldn’t mess me up so much. But if I’m honest with myself, I’ve been noticing Harper a lot longer than that, like Lindsey hinted. And we got a lotcloser than three weeks should account for. I can’t stop wondering how her jewelry business is doing, if she applied for that grant she’s been talking about, if she’s going to come to our game Friday.
It’s no wonder I bomb practice.
I botch every pass I send, don’t make a single shot, and accidentally ice the puck during scrimmage. I can’t blame anyone but myself—I haven’t been prepping the way I should for the Northview game. I’ve been slacking on my own drills, have barely watched half of the videos of Petrov that I saved to study. On top of that, now I’m in my head.
“Get it together, Dawson!” Noah shouts as he chases after one of my passes. “What’s your problem today?”
Alex and Ryan try to cover for me, but it’s no use. They can’t hide how distracted I am, what a menace I am on the ice. I’m worse than useless. If I play like this Friday…
When Dan finally blows the whistle to end practice, I can’t get off the ice fast enough. I’m not used to letting down my team. I’m wrung out, but all I can think to do is go for a run or lift some heavy weights. Anything to sweat out the self-doubt and blame and shame. I grab my water bottle, squirting it into my face for whatever brief refreshment it can give me.
But Alex drops onto the bench next to me before I can escape to wallow. I brace myself for what’s bound to be the kindest wake-up call ever. I’ve never seen Alex yell at anyone in his life.
Alex heaves a heavy sigh. “Maybe Coach should take me off your line.”
