Page 15 of Unpredictable
“Hey! Meaningless sex can be fun,” Lauren said. “Not now.” She rolled her eyes when we all turned to her. “Before Hunter.”
“I just—” I rolled my bottom lip between my teeth. “Is it wrong that I enjoyed it so much?”
“The sex?” Lauren asked. “Fuck no. I sure as hell hope you enjoyed it after a two-year hiatus.”
My cheeks heated as nearby diners turned to look at us. “Will you keep your voice down?” I hissed.
“Sweetie, it’s okay,” Alexis said, patting my hand. “No one’s judging you.”
“The problem is, I’m judging me.” I hung my head. “I feel like a spoiled brat for saying this, but I’m not happy with my life.”
There was a collective exhale, as if they’d been hoping I’d say those very words. Waiting, even. I glanced between them, wondering what I was missing. Suddenly wondering how much they’d been holding back the past two years.
“You know what Preston’s mom always tells me?” Alexis asked. “If something’s not working, change it.”
“I’m not sure I know how.” I stared at the table, feeling as if I were admitting the truth for the first time in two years. For two years, I’d buried myself in my grief and my work. I’d focused on building the wedding planning side of my business, while still offering birthday parties, engagement parties, and more. And while it had taken off, my personal life was a disaster. “I’ve been frozen.”
I dropped my head to my chest, taking a few deep breaths. I could feel the panic rising, trying to consume me. My heart squeezed in my chest, stopping and starting and trying to continue beating.
“And I can’t do this anymore,” I finally admitted.
“Can’t do what?” Harper asked.
“Live with one foot always in the past. It’s breaking me. And…it’s affecting every aspect of my life, even my work.”
Within the span of twenty-four hours, I’d yelled at an A-list client, collapsed in my office from exhaustion, and slept with a complete stranger. I was a hot mess.
“Hey,” Lauren cooed, rubbing circles on my back. “There’s no manual for navigating grief. You have to do what’s best for you.”
I stared at the napkin in my lap, toying with the edges as I wished for answers. “Sometimes, I just wonder—what’s the point? I’ve already met my soul mate. I’ve already had my one great love. I was lucky to experience it, even briefly.”
“Bullshit.” Lauren’s tone was sharp, and I jerked my head up.
“Yeah, you heard me.” Her gaze was intense, her eyes blazing. “That’s bullshit. You’re young, sexy, successful. You deserve to be happy. There’s someone out there for you—I know it.”
Harper and Alexis nodded their agreement. But I was thrown by Lauren’s words, her conviction. Of the four of us, she’d always been the most cavalier, especially when it came to men and love.
“Geez. When did you become such an optimist? Such a romantic?” I teased.
“Juliana.” She leaned forward, her expression serious. “Listen to me—I know it’s hard to believe now, but one day, you will be happy again. One day, you will smile without having to think about it. You will breathe without feeling as if your chest will crack. You will love again.”
“How can you be so sure?” I asked, wishing I shared her confidence.
Losing Ryan had rocked my world, shaken my beliefs, and made me question everything.
“Because I know you. And if someone like me—jaded, distrustful, sex-crazed—could find someone to love and trust, you certainly can. You plan weddings, for crying out loud. The universe owes you a fucking happily ever after.”
Alexis and Harper laughed, but I could tell they agreed. I wanted to believe Lauren; I did. But…I just didn’t see how it was possible.
“Do you want to know what I think?” Alexis asked.
I nodded. She was wise, and I trusted her advice. I knew she, like Lauren and Harper, only wanted the best for me.
“You’re not frozen. Last night proved that. You’re trying, but you’re scared. And that’s okay.”
I nodded and glanced toward the ceiling. My emotions, like the truth, were pouring out of me. All this time, I’d tried to put up a good façade, and it was crumbling like the beach town Ryan and I had been vacationing in that fateful January day.
“I can’t keep living in my house, surrounded by his things.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks. Now that I’d opened the floodgates, the words—like the tears—were pouring out of me.
