Page 100 of Falling Slowly
“No, she’s not! Shewantsan iPad. She also wants a swing and a jungle gym. She wants her own personal unicorn! She’s not saving up for anything. She doesn’t even have a piggy bank.” I couldn’t help the frustrated shudder.
“Chill. I’ll get her a piggy. She can start saving.”
“I don’t want her to have an iPad. She’s five.”
“Sweet. We’ll get the unicorn. How much do those go for?”
I rolled my eyes. “Why don’t you look it up on Kickstarter?”
Charlie lifted his hands in surrender. “Okay, I admit. I know nothing about kids. I’m hopeless. I need guidance. But I think she’s amazing.” His face softened and a genuine smile broke through as he gazed at Celia’s slight frame, combing the ground under the old pine tree.
“She is,” I confirmed. “She’s the reason I didn’t lose hope. That I keep trying. People say they work hard to give their kids anything, but it’s not just that. It’s the way she believes in better times. The way she keeps dreaming about everything, trusting that she’ll one day get it. I try to inhale that faith every day. I’m faking it, but even that helps sometimes. Because I never want to break her spirit, so I must believe a little bit more and try a little bit harder.”
I could feel Charlie’s eyes on me. Studying me. “You used to be like her, didn’t you? I can see your spirit in her. The original one that life hasn’t smacked around.”
His words hit me hard, and I had to turn away to compose myself. “I was a lot more naïve,” I said. “I had all these plans and goals. We were professional dreamers.”
“I sometimes wish I had that. I haven’t found that much to dream about. I guess that’s why I shop on Kickstarter. I want to feel like I’m part of someone else’s dream.”
“But you dream up new campaigns and visuals all the time at work.”
He huffed a sad laugh. “They’re not my dreams. I don’t have that much skin in the game. I mean, it’s fun to win, but it’s not my purpose.” He paused, drawing a deep breath, holding it for a moment. “I don’t think I have a purpose.”
Something flamed inside of me. “You want to make everyone happy. You want to discover amazing things and elevate them. You care so much! That’s a lot of purpose, Charlie.”
“You think?” He gave me a lopsided smile.
“Yeah. When I was planning our Kickstarter campaign, I was dreaming of a backer like you.”
“You planned a Kickstarter campaign?” He blinked.
“I didn’t get very far before the lawsuit and everything else happened.”
Charlie’s eyes flicked at Celia, still searching the ground under the pine tree. “Did you ever plan to have another one?” he asked softly, “you know, before…”
“Yeah, sort of. We planned a lot of things, but it was all conditional. Like, once we get the business off the ground. Once we had enough money and a bigger place. You know…” I shrugged.
“I have money, you know. My place is… not small.”
I looked down. “I couldn’t casually have a baby with someone. It feels wrong.”
“Casually? What’s casual about it? Labor?”
I laughed at my stupid word choice. “I meant relationship-wise.”
“Despite what you’ve told yourself, I’m not commitment-phobic. I’ve been… picky.”
“Meaning you’ve never dated anyone long enough to be considered commitment-phobic.”
He nodded. “Well, it’s not a topic that gets raised on the first or second date. But I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. Dating someone you don’t see a future with is a waste of time.”
“Why are you wasting your time with me?” The question came out too fast, unfiltered. “I mean, we don’t really have a future.”
“You don’t see it, but I do.”
“How do you know you won’t change your mind? You can’t even commit to a cell phone. You order a new one every two months.”
“Because then I can give the old one away,” he said quietly, cheeks coloring.
