Page 93 of Falling Slowly
Did I want Charlie’s baby? Or did I just want him to take care of me? If, by some miracle, I’d already gotten pregnant… would that be the worst thing in the world? Charlie would take care of me, of us, and I’d be far better off than I currently was, all because of one mistake.
But if I didn’t take the pill, I was willfully making that mistake. I’d be the conniving woman trying to trap a wealthy man by getting pregnant. I could never do that.
Yet, the pill remained in my hand.
Why was it so hard to swallow one tiny tablet?
This was my Matrix moment. This pill would detach me from the fantasy and face plant me back into my real life—back to uninspiring sceneries, tiny rental apartments and the daily struggle. It would sever the ties between myself and Charlie.
I’d take it. I just needed time to say goodbye.
I watched the sunrise make the sky glow, softening the shadows and revealing colors upon colors. I’d never forget Rubie Ridge. I’d judged this place as a pretentious upper-class resort, which it arguably was, but it had also slipped past my defenses, pulling me into its strange, invigorating, soothing orbit. Making me feel like I belonged. Like Charlie.
Without realizing it, I had my eyes trained on the parking lot, right when Charlie’s red Porsche Taycan rolled in. It was an ostentatious car, shining like a jewel in the faint morning light.But I couldn’t commit to my usual judgmental tone. Instead, my heart jumped to my throat. Charlie was here.
I didn’t even ask myself if I should go outside to meet him until I stood by the door in my bathrobe, my one healthy foot in a slipper, ready to limp towards him. Every part of me fizzed and bubbled like it was made of champagne. I opened the door quietly and slipped onto the porch, gasping at the chilly air.
Wait! The pill was still in my hand, but the glass of water sat on the table inside. Could I swallow it without water? Quickly now, I told myself. Just do it!
But with only one solid leg to stand on and my limbs stiff from sleep, my movements weren’t as swift and precise as I visualized. As I swung my hand, the pill rolled off my palm, hitting the porch with a faint clink.
Where had it gone?
Holding onto the baluster, I maneuvered down to my knees, scanning the wide wooden planks in the low light, but the pill had vanished. I stuck my finger into the crack between the planks. Was it wide enough for the pill to fit through? Surely not.
My heart pounding, I pulled myself up, feeling like the stupidest person on earth. I’d had one job.
I’d find that pill, I told myself. I’d take it a little later. Nobody would have to know.
I negotiated the stairs and advanced down the path, peering at the Porsche. But Charlie must have hopped out of the car while I’d been kneeling on the porch. When he appeared in front of me, seemingly out of nowhere, I jumped like a frightened bunny.
“Bess!” He grinned, wrapping me in the tightest hug of my life.
I felt his strong arms and the hard chest under his soft jersey. The scent of lemony soap and pine. So much pine, like Charlie had somehow become one with the evergreens.
I hugged him back a little awkwardly, a thousand doubts and worries rushing through my mind. But gradually, the warmth and conviction of his squeeze overwhelmed me, pushing those thoughts away. Charlie held me like I was his life raft and only hope of survival. My muscles relaxed and I settled against him, breathing in his scent. It felt so good I could only surrender.
“How was your night?” I asked when he finally released me. “Where did you stay?”
He looked at me for a moment, as if contemplating something. “One of the inns in town. It was fine.” He rolled his shoulders, stretching his neck.
“Terrible bed?” I guessed.
“No. It was fine.”
“Then why are you here so early?”
He cocked his head. “I couldn’t wait to see you. Why are you up so early?”
“I don’t know. I fell asleep quite early.” My hands flew to my face in embarrassment. “I slept in my hiking clothes.”
He laughed. “It’s okay. I’m glad you’re up. I was worried I’d wake you guys.”
“What time is it?” I reached for his left hand to look at his watch. 7:15 a.m. “The breakfast buffet opens in fifteen minutes, and I really need a shower.”
The cold air travelled up my sleeve, inducing a shiver.
He glanced at the cabin. “Are Celia and your mom still asleep?”
