Page 49 of Love Beyond Repair
He appears in the living room, looking nothing like the man I kissed goodbye two days ago. His face is gaunt. All the fun and laughter of our time together gone. Haunted eyes meet mine. Suddenly, I don’t want to have this conversation.
“Amy isn’t home yet,” I stutter, not knowing what else to say. I want to ask where he has been, but the answer frightens me. Needing answers isn’t important right now; what I need is him. I need to go back to a few days ago, and see the man I love again.
“No, I asked her to stay away until I’d spoken to you.” He speaks calmly but distantly, as if he has rehearsed this in his head. “Bex, we need to talk.”
I feel as though someone has ripped my heart out and placed it on the table in front of me. I stare at Ben in complete shock. He’s leaving me. We haven’t even got started, and he’s already leaving. It’s strange how sometimes you have a premonition that something’s going to happen. It’s even more terrifying when it comes true.
Knowing where the conversation was going, I stopped listening. I didn’t want to hear another word. Ben’s talked for what feels like hours, but when I glance at the clock, it’sonly 8:30 p.m. He could only have been talking for thirty minutes at most. I watch in slow motion as he holds his arms out, then I realize he’s speaking to me, expecting an answer. His voice is calm and controlled.
“Do you understand what I am saying, Bex? I’m going to pack a bag and leave. Are you going to be alright? I asked Amy to come back. She’ll be here in ten minutes.”
I nod once and blink back the tears. He looks at me warily, as if bracing for an explosion. But everything he said made sense; the parts I listened to anyway. Our relationship is new, and she needs him.
Ben explained he’s moving in with Kelsey at her father’s house to help her sort through her financial affairs, support her in her grief, and ensure she looks after herself. Kelsey didn’t have anyone to look after her, and he felt it was his duty to step in.
Ben understood her. He was there when her mother died. He had been there while she anguished and struggled to cope. She’ll need that level of support again. He explained they weren’t getting back together. He would sleep in the spare room. But as our relationship was so new, it was too much to ask me to accept that.
So, he decided for both of us that we must end things for now. Until Kelsey was well and could move forward in her life. Maybe, once time had passed, we could try again. We both knew that was a lie. We both knew this was the end for us and he was choosing her.
I looked at this beautiful man through vacant eyes. I could see him hurting. This decision was based on a decade of loyalty to this woman. He’d seen her at her worst, and he couldn’t live with himself if he let her go through that again on her own.
Walking silently from the living room to my bedroom, he collected the few belongings left there. A book, some earbuds, and a razor. I followed him like a lost sheep as he wandered around the apartment, picking things up and putting them back down again, and deciding what to take now and what to collect later.
I watched, saying nothing. I wanted to scream at him, grab his arm, and beg him to put us first.
What about us?
What about me?
Do I mean nothing?
But he’d covered that earlier, telling me how beautiful and clever I was, a strong career woman whom he admired. How I didn’t need him. But I do. I’ve never felt stronger than when I was with him. I thought he was my right-hand man. Now, I’m back to navigating this world on my own.
Amy arrives home, and I can tell by her face she’s up to speed. Her eyes search for me, and I can sense her pity from here. It only makes me feel smaller.
Ben throws the black backpack over his shoulder, looking from one of us to the other. It crosses my mind that he hasn’t even touched me since he came back. Maybe hecouldn’t bear to. Then again, if he had loved me at all… he wouldn’t be doing this. A man in love doesn’t walk away from that woman for his ex-partner.
He’s never told me he loves me, I realize. It stings.
Amy’s struggling to hold her temper. She’s such a happy-go-lucky person by default. However, when she snaps, it’s like an atomic bomb exploding. Finally, she blows.
“Ben, just leave!” Her voice is harsh. “Let me know when you’re coming to get the rest of your stuff, and I’ll be here to let you in. Give me your key.”
He nods, then removes an envelope from his coat pocket. Without another word, he lays the envelope and his keys on the coffee table, then exits the apartment without so much as a backward glance. I stare at the now-closed door as my sister wraps her arms around me.
“Bex, honey, say something.” Her eyes find mine. “Bex, it’s going to be alright. I’m here. He’s an idiot. His priorities are out of whack.”
Walking over, I pick up the envelope. Simple black writing on it says4 months’ rent share - £2000. I open it up and pull the notes out. There’s nothing else. No message, no card, no punchline.
Picking up the bundle of keys, I thumb the keyring absent-mindedly. It’s a Spanish flag we bought last week. He really is walking away from us. It hurts more than I can say. I’ve been dismissed.
There is no moreus.
Chapter twenty-five
Bex
Last night, Ben left me. The blinding fall sunshine pours through the window. I feel as though I’m waking from a nightmare. Everything is fuzzy; nothing makes sense. The past twenty-four hours have been a mashup of tears and heartbreak I don’t want to remember.
