Page 1 of Certified Pressure 4
Heaven Ain’t What I Thought…
When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t make out where the fuck I was…
Everything around me was too quiet, like the world had turned the volume down low. The ground under me felt soft, but I couldn’t tell if it was grass or dirt. It didn’t feel like anything I had ever touched before. The air wasn’t cold or hot. It didn’t even move. It just sat there, heavy and still.
For a second, I thought maybe I was dreamin’, but I ain’t feel asleep. My body ain’t feel right, like I was inside it but not all the way there. I looked around, tryna figure out what the hell was goin’ on. The last thing I could remember was the flash of streetlights bouncin’ off Kashmere’s dress, then the gunshotshittin’ me one after another. I remembered the burn in my chest, the pain, and everything goin’ dark.
Now I was here. Wherever “here” was.
The sky above me looked strange, almost like the sun and the moon was mixed together, with gold light pourin’ through thin clouds that never stopped movin’. It was beautiful, but it ain’t feel real. I pressed my hand against my chest, expectin’ to feel blood or pain, but there was nothin’ there. I ain’t have no wounds or scars. It was just smooth skin and the weight of confusion sittin’ in my stomach.
Then I saw a lil’ boy. He was sittin’ a few feet away from me in the grass, his small hands twistin’ a bunch of white flowers together like he was makin’ a crown. He had a head full of soft curls, skin the same brown as mine, and when he turned his head toward me, I kinda gasped. He looked just like me. Same eyes, same nose, even the same expression I make when I’m deep in thought.
He stared for a second before his lips curled into a smile.
“Hey, Daddy.”
My heart dropped. I froze, my eyes locked on him as everything inside me twisted. My throat felt tight as I tried to speak. “Kamir?”
The lil’ boy nodded and smiled wider, like he been waitin’ for me all this time.
I couldn’t stand up. My knees gave out and I dropped to the ground, starin’ at him like I was lookin’ at a ghost. That name hadn’t left my mouth in a minute. Every time I tried to say it, it felt like I was pullin’ a knife out of my chest. I used to pray for a sign, just somethin’ to let me know he was okay.
And now, here he was; about four years old now, grown into a big boy with curls all over his head and a smile that looked like it could light up a whole sky. Somehow, he been growin’ uphere while I was still down there, tryin’ to figure out how to live without him.
He got up and walked toward me, his curls bouncin’ with each step. He had this peace about him, like the world couldn’t touch him. My eyes started burnin’ before I even realized I was cryin’.
He stopped in front of me and tilted his head. “Don’t cry, Daddy.”
That was all it took. I broke down.
I reached for him, pullin’ him into my arms, my hands shakin’ so bad I could barely hold on. He was warm, and to me, he was real. I buried my face against his shoulder and held him tight, sobbin’ like I hadn’t cried in years. “I’m sorry, lil’ man,” I whispered. “I’m so damn sorry I ain’t protect you. I was supposed to be there.”
He wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and patted my head, his voice calm and sweet. “It’s okay, Daddy. You didn’t do nothin’ bad. You don’t gotta be sad no more.”
I held him tighter, not wantin’ to let go. “I think about you every single day,” I said, my voice shakin’. “I never stopped. I thought God was punishin’ me for what happened. I thought losin’ you was payback for somethin’ I did wrong.”
Kamir leaned back just enough to look at me, his small face serious but peaceful. “But I’m okay up here, Daddy.”
My tears kept fallin’. He reached up and wiped one from my cheek with his thumb. His touch was light, but it felt like it healed somethin’ deep inside me.
“I love you, Daddy,” he said softly. “Tell my baby brother I said hi.”
The words hit me right in my chest. I swallowed hard. “You mean Prestyn?”
He nodded proudly. “Uh-huh. I don’t want him to be sad without you.”
The way he said it made my stomach twist. His voice was small, but the message was loud.
All of a sudden, I started hearin’ somethin’ faint in the distance, like echoes comin’ from another world. Voices callin’ out that was muffled but desperate.
“He’s got a pulse!”
The sound faded just as quick as it came. I looked around, confused, then back at Kamir. “You hear that?”
He nodded slowly. “They callin’ you, Daddy.”
“I can’t leave you,” I said, my throat tight. “I just got here. I can’t go through losin’ you again.”
