Page 84 of Certified Pressure 4
I hesitated, but I knew I needed to let some of this shit out before it ate me alive. “It’s this whole situation with Kay’Lo’s parents. That shit was embarrassin’ as hell, P. His daddy basically said I ain’t good enough for his son today. He said I’m gon’ ruin his life or some shit. Like, nigga, what?”
Pluto’s brows pulled together, her voice calm. “That’s messed up. You didn’t deserve that.”
I nodded slow. “I been the outcast my whole life. My own people used to treat me like I was the problem, and that man just opened that wound like it ain’t never healed. The shit was embarrassin’, P. Like, really embarrassin’. I wanted to disappear right there in front of them. He made me feel like I didn’t belong in Kay’Lo’s world, like I was just some ghetto bitch he picked up and got too comfortable with.”
Pluto frowned a little. “Did you tell him that?”
“Bitch, no,” I said, laughin’ through the frustration. “You know how crazy that sound? ‘Hey baby, I’m embarrassed.’ Nah. That shit sound weak as hell.”
Pluto smirked, shakin’ her head. “Ain’t nothing weak about that. You human, Toni. You got feelings. Ain’t nobody too hard to feel embarrassed, especially when they being disrespected for no reason.”
I shrugged, sighin’. “I just don’t want him lookin’ at me different. Like I’m weak or somethin’. He already got enough on his plate with that family of his. I can’t be addin’ my emotions on top of that.”
“Girl, that’s exactly what you supposed to do,” Pluto said, her voice calm but firm. “You his woman. You supposed to be real with him about what’s on your heart. I used to be like that with Pressure, acting like I didn’t care or like I was too strong to say how I really felt. Every time things got heavy between us, I used to pull back instead of speaking up. I’d walk away or shut down because I didn’t know how to be open without feeling weak. Yeah, I had a lot on my plate with my parents and Zurie, but that’s what made things worse between us. He’d think I didn’t care, and I’d be mad he couldn’t read my mind.”
She laughed softly, lookin’ off for a second like she was replayin’ her own memories. “Pressure is hard in a lot of areas. He’s a boss. He a protector. He done seen and done things that would break a lot of people. But underneath that, he’s sensitive in his own way. That man feel everything. But listen, one thing I learned from Pressure is that he’s the type you can’t run from. I had to really learn that about him. His love language is me lettin’ him in and not fightin’ him on every little thing. Now, we talk through our shit instead of letting it pile up.”
I looked at her, noddin’ slow. “That sound hard as hell.”
“It was,” Pluto said. “But it’s worth it. We still learning each other every day, but it’s easier now. I don’t hold back how I feel, and he don’t either. I used to think being soft made me weak, but it don’t. It actually made us stronger.”
Her words hit deep, and for the first time that night, I felt like maybe she understood me more than I thought. “I love that for you, and you right,” I said softly. “I be so used to fightin’ that I forget I ain’t gotta fight him.”
Pluto smiled. “Exactly. You just gotta love him. That’s all he need.”
I looked down, feelin’ my eyes burn again. “I know. Then, I ain’t used to somebody really ridin’ for me like that. Kay’Lo beactin’ like I’m his whole world, and sometimes I don’t even know what to do with that.”
She smiled. You and Kay’Lo just goin’ through a storm right now. Y’all gon’ be good.”
Lookin’ at her belly made me pause for a minute. I rubbed my arm and said, “I don’t even think I can get pregnant, P. We been tryin’. I mean, Kay’Lo be goin’ in, and I know he want a baby. Hell, I get it, his family big on legacy and all that, but it’s been a lil’ minute, and nothin’.”
Pluto’s smile faded, and her voice softened. “Don’t start thinking like that. You don’t know what God got planned. It might not happen on your time, but it’ll happen.”
I bit my lip, tryin’ not to get emotional. “It’s just… sometimes I think it’s ‘cause of what happened to me. You know, when I was little. I hate even talkin’ about it, but what if that shit messed me up forever? What if I can’t ever give him a baby?”
Pluto shook her head. “Don’t let that fear sit in your spirit. You been through a lot, Toni, but you still here. No matter what happened to you, don’t let the devil make you think you broken. You not. Pressure lost his first baby, you know. That pain almost destroyed him. It took therapy and time for him to heal, and now look. He got two sons back-to-back. God got a way of fixing things when you least expect it.”
Her words hit deep. It was like she was speakin’ straight to my soul.
I nodded slow. “You right. I know you right. I just be scared sometimes.”
“Don’t be,” she said. “Keep God first and keep showing love to your man. Everything else gon’ fall into place.”
I smiled and wiped my eyes. “Girl, it’s crazy we even sittin’ here talkin’ like this. We used to not even like each other.”
Pluto laughed. “You was hell. Don’t act like you wasn’t.”
I smirked. “You the one told me I look like I ate rocks when I was a kid.”
Her eyes got wide before she laughed for real. “Oh my God, stop bringing up old shit!”
We both laughed hard, and it felt good. For a minute, all that heavy shit on my mind started to lift.
I leaned back and said, “Nah, for real though. I fuck with you, P. You cool. We like sisters now.”
She turned to me, her eyes soft. “We are sisters. And you a good woman, Toni. Don’t let nobody, not even Kay’Lo’s parents, make you forget that. Time gon’ show everybody who you really are.”
I smiled, feelin’ a lil’ lighter. I reached over and grabbed my blunt from the ashtray, lightin’ it. Pluto looked at me and said, “Let me hit it.”
