Page 93 of Heartstruck at Dawn
“Idon’twant you to stay,” I said, staring into his eyes. It stung to utter those words, but I was furious. I needed to be alone with my anger. “Just—go.”
“Murph, please don’t do this.”
“I’ll see you on Monday. Or do I need to ask Aaron and Caleb to walk you out? I’ve done it before. I can be the girl with the bodyguards if that’s the kind of thing that gets you off.”
Nathan’s expression switched from sad and worried to plain angry. He kept gnawing at his lower lip but wouldn’t stop staring directly at me. I wasn’t enjoying this one bit.
I didn’t want to have to say those things, but he hit me where it hurt the most—my sense of freedom. I knew I wasn’t free, but at least I hoped he could be the one to help me feel less trapped, not guide me inside the cage with the excuse of doing it for my own good.
Nathan launched at me, and his mouth met mine for a second, two seconds, three, four, five, ten … I stopped counting. I could stay there forever. He wanted to kiss and makeup, but I needed space. “No,” I said, pulling away from him, panting. He was sitting on the bed beside me, his chest heaving.
“I can’t leave if you’re upset.”
“Yes, you can.” I extended my arm and clicked on one of the four panic buttons installed in my apartment. I’d obviously never used them before. They seemed too much for my taste. I was sure I would never use them, but they gave my father peace of mind.
Aaron, Caleb, and David got the first notification on their phones if I pushed a button. If unattended, it would go directly to the DSS. But I knew they were standing outside my apartment, and they would shut down the beacon immediately.
A few beats later, Aaron and Caleb dashed into my bedroom. Nathan jumped up from the bed, and so did I. “Miss Murphy,” Caleb said, eyeing Nathan and me from head to toe, sizing up the situation, trying to figure out if I was hurt. I was. Not that he would be able to see it with his eyes. Or maybe he could. He saw everything.
“Could you please”—I cleared my throat—“escort Nathan out of my apartment?” My voice was calm, melodic even.
“Murph, don’t do this.” Nathan extended his hand out to me, but I didn’t take it. I knew we would be able to talk it through. I knew I would forgive him. But I needed time and space, and his approach to solving this was different than mine.
“This is what it feels like when people decide for you,” I replied.
Nathan saw himself out right after I said that, as I expected he would. I was not trying to make a scene. But I did want him to know what it’s like to have someone overpower you. And I’m sure he didn’t like it one bit.
The second Nathan walked away, I fell apart. Aaron followed Nathan out, and Caleb stood there looking at me, at how I cried my heart out.
“I want to be alone.” I laid on my bed and gave my back to Caleb, holding on to my pillow as if it were going to save me from my sorrows somehow.
“Red, you need to understand. Thomas is out of control. He’s been stalking Nathan, threatening him. We’ve spotted him a couple of times at Parsons, too. This is serious.”
They still couldn’t understand that the order of protection itself was not the issue. The real problem was how they all snuck around my back, plotted the whole thing, lied to me, and made me sign it without my consent. I would’ve obviously signed it if I knew all of that.
And these are supposed to be the three people I trust the most in the world? That was the most heartbreaking part of all. But they couldn’t see it.
I clicked on the panic button again, and Caleb immediately turned it off with his phone.
“That’s for you. Please see yourself out.”
Caleb snorted with disbelief and quickly left afterward.
I closed my eyes and held my breath for a few seconds. I wanted complete silence. And in that silence, I swear I heard William’s piano.
February 6, 2010
I TOSSED AND TURNEDall night, unable to sleep for more than a few hours. Before I knew it, dawn was breaking, and Nathan was leaving for Miami. He had an early flight and was meeting Joel and the others later that day.
I started crying again and refused to leave my bed, still wearing the same clothes from last night.
Isn’t one supposed to wake up feeling better after you’ve slept it off? I guess the problem was I didn’t get to the sleeping part.
I wanted to call Nathan and ask him to stay. To come back to me. But I’d dismissed him pretty badly. He must’ve been feeling hurt because of it too. It was best if we both gave each other some breathing space.
It was going to be a long weekend.
My cell phone buzzed. It had to be him.
